happy holloween.

stupid blockbuster/directv weekend/holiday conspiracy.

she struggled to pay attention to movie she had picked out to watch on the television. despite the fact that she was the only one still awake in her house, she was distracted. it was only 10:00 when she turned off the t.v. and decited to go to bed. for the first time in months she plugged the earphones into her ears and pressed play on the walkman, hoping to drown out the thoughts spinning in her head by the soothing sounds of a worship band. something to lull her to sleep so she could forget about the shit. something to distract her from the distractions. she lay flat on her stomach, head covered by the pillow, trying to rest. trying to sleep but the words of earlier that evening continued to ring through her head... pounding in her brain and skull... stabbing her heart and soul. she wondered, "will i ever be able to change? will i ever shed this image that ive made for myself? can i ever be good enough to cut it?"

suddenly the words of her father, wispering through the noise, could be heard... "i love you... you are beautiful... i know you are trying to change... i am helping you... you dont have to worry about what other people may say... i know your heart and despite what other people think, i know you are trying, you are beautiful... i love you..."

she smiled to herself. she forgot the cutting words. it didnt matter. it was over with, it was done with. she curled up in her fathers hands, singing praise in her heart. and she fell asleep.
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im not going to anahiem mostly becuase of the fires. it just wouldnt be right.

i got friday off of work anyway. want to hang out? right.

i clipped my fingernails.

i saw chris. he upsets me.

i invites t.s. to church next wednesday. pray for open hearts, minds and souls...

umm... who are YOU?

what had been a relativly good day, suddenly took a turn for the worst. now i have a sick feeling in my stomach. like i want to take things back, like i want to change but i cant. its like im stuck here in this body with this attitude... and no matter how hard ive tried to change, you have already branded me with a certain attitude and i probably wouldnt be able to convince you that thats not who i am, that i was and had been depressed but now im trying with all my heart to change, but it wouldnt matter because you wouldnt even let me know your name, so now there is nothing i can do about it. im sorry i upset you. if you had the guts to leave your name or talk to me in a more personal way (as i belive it probably should have been done) then i could take care of this. then maybe i wouldnt have this dark feeling in the pit of my stomach becuase i would have hope of patching things up. but as of now, i have no hope of that. i dont care who you are, even if you may think i hate your guts i would have liked to talk to you. i would have liked to know i was hurting you. your not helping me change any by leaving me comments like that and not letting me know who you are. your not helping me.

anyway, for what its worth, and if you even give a damn anymore, im sorry. ive done a lot of things that i wish i could take back, said a lot of things that i wish i could take back but mostly i wish i could talk to your face.

today was *optimist* day. what a wonderful day.

i kind of have a crush on you... like, the kind of crush were i would like to go have a cup of coffee with you and talk about nothing. meh.

sorry i burned down your house. i built it back up again. isnt it just so wonderful? horray.


peace...

my prayer for you is that you would realize how much more than him you are worth. i pray that you would see just how badly he treats you and you would not settle to accept it any longer. i pray that you would come to know that God has someone so much better out there for you. i ask God that he would show you that i you do not need him, you are only holding him down and he is only holding you down. i hope you see how much your desisions break apart your family, and i hope you see how he is not taking any steps towards making things better. i pray that you would discover that if he truly did "love" you, then it would be important to him to fix things with your family.

most of all though, i pray that you would realize that you are worth much more than what you are settling for.

its amazing how many people i know have xanga sites. people who arent really my friends, but i know them from around here and we are all somehow connected, so i just happen to stumble across their sites while going over other peoples sites. its really very weird...

yesterday i had coffee with a good girlfriend of mine. it was awesome... just sitting there at starbucks for hours ( 4:30 - 7:15ish ) just talking. not worrying about the time, or how she had to go do something somewhere else or how she had all kinds of school work to do or how she had some sort of prior church commitment... just sitting there chillin...

so, the new target *greatland* pisses me off so bad. its not all that bigger then the old target but consumers demanded it so they had to build it over beautiful farm land and now that its all built, the old target it standing empty & wasted just a few blocks down the road. whatever. im over it now. i'll still shop there sometime.

peace...

* i need some friends my own age because i dont have any.
* im going to throw my 7 year old converse in the washing machine... pray they dont fall apart...
* ... you never talk to me anymore anyway, so what does it matter?
* im addicted to reading your xanga site. i think i know who you are...
* today i felt like burning down someones house...

"Jaded" by green day, eh?

Somebody keep my balance
I think I'm falling off
Into a state of regression
The expiration date
Rapidly coming up
It's leaving me behind to rank

Always move forward
Going "straight" will get you nowhere
There is no progress
Evolution killed it all
I found my place in nowhere

I'm taking one step sideways
Leading with my crutch
Got a "freaked" up equilibrium
Count down from 9 to 5
Hooray! We're gonna die!
Blessed into our extinction

Always move forward
Going "straight" will get you nowhere
There is no progress
Evolution killed it all
I found my place in nowhere

* sooo sleeepy...
* i'm going to the house of blues! im going to the house of bluuuueeeessss!!! w00t!
* wOw... energetic ...
* i have a crush on t.s. again ... :/
* finally eatched moulon rouge... it would be my new favorite movies besides the fact that hate musicals so frickin much...
* but i do *heart* ewan mcgregor
* yawn *

hahahahahahahaha!



the only semi redeming quality of this movie...



whatever. it was a fun movie.

happy saturday everyone. its a beautiful day full of hope and possibilities!

i think i'll shimmy on into town to catch a show or buy some girly clothes.

have a lovely rest of the day, my friends!

hrm...

the good thing about today is that i filled my 4 & 1/2 mile walking quota...

nothing else good happened.

damn this experiment... damn it.

i have nothing good to say about today. nothing.
well, actually i did go and visit corey for a little while. that was cool.

last night i had a very amusing dream... i dreamed that my sisters boyfriend actually began to care about her enough to grow some balls and come over and patch things up with the family. i dreamed that we all got along again, but my nickname for him was still "dumbass". he just laughed and shrugged it off. yeah right.

i got an e-mail from my friend... he said something that was very inspiring to me in a weird way... a way that maybe shouldnt be inspiring, but it was... he said... "little do they know, its nearly impossible to break an apathetic person." thats the truth, too.

peace...

o.k... good things about today... lets see...

things went very well at work today despite the fact that heather wasnt there to start the day off and kim wasnt there either due to a family emergency... (pray for kims daughter, baily... her apendix burst she is in the hospital)

umm... i got a smile today... :)

i think i *finally* broke in my new doc martens. the blisters on my heels dont hurt anymore when i wear them...

also, in case you are wondering, today WASNT the day.

good morning...

maybe today will be the day... yeah...

last night i ended up going to visit my brother. we watched Down with Love (the bomb movie) and aliens (another the bomb movie). then i watched part of predator.. right up untill the part where they showed the skinned guys hanging from the trees in the jungle. then i turned it off and went to bed...

today i...
* woke up around 9:00
* drove to church... on my way to church i saw a dead baby cow and three tires on the side of the road...
* got to church... this morning at least three people, to my suprise, actually aknowledged my exsistance and smiled and greeted me as i walked in. one of them was a handsom young man. who was probably married with three kids and another on the way.
* went to starbucks and bought a vanilla late with soy milk
* came home
* worked on the art on my web page
* ate 1/2 vegetable sandwich
* took a shower
* now i'm here trying to finish up the art page and getting some stuff ready to stick in the mail tomorrow morning.

i hope your sunday is as wonderful as mine is! yay!

ugh...

ive decited to conduct an experiment... all this next week im going to try my very hardest to concentrate on good things around me and every day i'll write down a good thing here on this blogger... please keep in mind though, that bad things will still happen, i just wont write them down...

so, i went to the parade this morning... that was cool... i parked far away so i could walk... that was cool... umm... yeah. thats about it for the day.

im taking myself on another date to see a movie i think... i sort of want to see cabin fever (sowhatshutupyousuck) or house of the dead. lovely... if your not doing anything, give me a call and maybe we can go together. yeah right.

its a nice day outside. beautiful.

im tired of the weekends. they are sad and lonely and full of shit becuase i dont have work to do to distract my wandering mind. the only good thing about the weekends is the sleep. i can't wait untill monday. meh.

im sorry i don't know how to explain myself using fancier, prettier words and explanations. i just don't know how. please forgive me.

im sure you dont give a damn anyway though... thus the silence.

if you dont want to be my friend anymore you could at least tell me.

so, i uped my milage from 3 miles per day to 4 miles a day, three times a week. that means im *power* walking 12 miles a week now... i supose i should really start doing some crunches to get those much desired washboard abs...

i rock though.

i am more determined than ever to shed my damn extra pounds. im sticking close to my diet and exersizing constently.

its been rough though... sometimes a get attacked my satan, telling me that i am ugly, i could never loose the weight that i want to loose, that things arent going to change... but i try to ignore him, knowing full well that he has no power over me.

God has my little situation under control. i trust him.

meh.

tonight was weird...

i got into festival con dios for free. i checked it out for about an hour, then bailed.

i hung out with chris. i liked him better before he went to alaska...

is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy out? is it unapropriate or just not really ideal? is it the wrong thing to do? are there succesful christians relationships where the girl was the first to ask the guy out, becuase the guy was too shy? maybe the guy didnt realize that he wanted to spend time with the girl untill the girl brought it up? maybe the guy just didnt know what was best for him? is it wrong? or just not idea, or old fashioned...

why are people attracted to other people? what is it about him that attracts me to him? and how come, if so, he isnt attracted to me? maybe he is attracted to me... why? i dont know him. why would i be so damn interested in him?

im baffled about a lot of things. baffled...

i bought scarface at wal*mart yesterday. im excited becuase ive never seen it and now i own it... im going to go watch it...