Sunday, November 30, 2003

i tried to find an excuse, but i couldnt. so i just got in my car and drove home...

" he must think its white boy day... is it white boy day? "
i think that i watch True Romance just to see the scene with gary oldman as Drexl, becuase he so damn entertaining...


Saturday, November 29, 2003

would someone like to go for a drive with me?

we would grab our sweaters and climb into my little mini van. buckle up, its the law. i would let you pick out the cd and put it in the cd player. it might take you a while to find something to listen too, i have a lot of choices. if you couldnt find anything, i would probably want you to put in something fun to listen to, like socail distortion or sex pistols or the misfits.

i would turn the key and start the engine. i would put the car in gear and head out.

its cold outside right now, so i would turn on the heater. after it gets heated up, i open the window a crack. i love the fresh air... the wind blowing, mixing with the dry hot air inside of the car. eventully, we put our hoods on and roll down the windows all the way. the heater is turned on full blast, so we have cold air and hot air blowing in our faces, and its heaven. we stick our hands out the windows and fly them through the air as we speed down the road.

eventully we would stop at a convience store of some sort. go inside, get something to drink, a bag of chips, use the restroom, fill up the car with gasoline...

i would ask you if you wanted a turn to drive. and you would say yes, so i get in the passenger seat. its been a long time since ive been in the passenger seat of my car, since its been a long time since ive had another responsible driver with me on a trip. about a year, in fact. i would sit back in my seat and enjoy the drive. i would probably pick out something different to listen to.

its calmer now, the windows are up and the heater is on low. we could talk. talk about anything and nothing. our schedules are completly free, so we would drive for hours. destination? anywhere far from here. as long as it took us a couple of hours to get there. i would look out the window and watch things as we drove... i might see things like three tires sitting on the side of the road... i might see a green balloon in the foliage on the side of the freeway... i might notice a rabbit in someones front yard or a giant bronze horse in the front of a building. maybe i would see a little girl walking by herself slowly with her head down, behind a group of other, more popular looking children... children who probably go to school with her, but would never aknowlege her presence in or out of school... or maybe i would just see other cars and fields of crops or orchards of trees.

when we got somewhere, we would stop and have lunch or dinner. we could walk around and see things... maybe talk to new people, learn new things. we would find somewhere to sit and just sit there. sitting still for hours in one place is one of my favorite things to do. we could sit there, looking around. seeing things, noticing things, small things, little things...

and when we felt like it was time, we would get back into my car and drive home.

i would drop you off at your house and you would go inside. then i would drive home myself and go inside and go to bed. and i would have dreams of our car trip. of our drive...


Friday, November 28, 2003

i started the day at 11:30 this morning, with a headache that would hurt the devil himself.

last night i watched a horrible movie called "ed gein" about non other than, ed gein! what made the movie horrible was not so much the story behind the film, but everything else. and i mean, absolutly everything else. the script, the actors, the directing, the lighting, everything. ugh.

so, what with watching the movie, and sticking close to the trend of my latest sleeping ailments, i also had nightmares last night. but i cured that by waking up at some un-godly hour to use to bathroom. when i went back to sleep, the nightmares ceased but only to give way to a disturbed sleep. my kingdom for a peaceful night of sleep.

despite all of the above, things were going fine. i had my rutine two cups of coffee, a little bowl of honey bunches of oats and then another two cups of coffee and i was nicely settled into the couch watching TLC's What Not To Wear marathon (my favorite show... i dont know why seeing as though i pretty much despise fashion... i guess its becuase i have a crush on clinton kelly). my headache was fading and the sky outside had started to cloud over, making for a beautifly dark grey day.

well, its now about 4:00 p.m. and my day is on a extremely fast downward spiral. i was reminded of the fact that i have no friends, my family is in a horrible rut becuase of the f'd up desisions of my younger sister, i share a room with that sister and i have no where to go but my room in wich i share with my sister.

my supressed feelings have come out through a few tears while sitting here mulling my situation over. writing about it. planning a web page makeover, reading through other peoples xanga sites about their problems, delemas, dramas, relationships. a certain story in particular really made my heart brake, reminding me of the past. the past when i had a good friend. that part of my life is over.

i was thinking of you today and if you ever wonder... wonder whats going on inside of me... i just want you to know that i never regret telling you what i did. i dont regret it and i never will becuase it was the truth. and i will never and should never be ashamed of the truth.

i think the truth makes people very unpopular. anyway, it has made me unpopular. after the shit ive been through with people candy coating the truth, i swore to myself i would never do such a thing. its not right, and the blow later hurts like hell.

later, a few years from now, you will think back about me and be glad that i told the truth. you may never tell me that you are glad, but somehow i will know it in my heart. i already know it. someday... if not already...

at this particular moment in time, i am miserable.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

happy thanksgiving?


things that i have to be thankful for... my salvation, my family, my house, the relationship i have with my parents, my ministry, my job, my car, and my health... just to name a few... in a nutshell. the results of the above blessings are too numurous to list. i could go on for days.

peace be in your hearts...

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

alton brown...

im in love with alton brown. becuase he can cook, he cares about his health, he is smart, funny, creative, talented and witty. perfection. now, its too bad that he is old, married, has a daughter and lives far away. hrm... oh well. i supose there is someone else out there for me. *sigh*

my little sisters say i am "boy crazy". boy crazy? maybe... but at least i like boys. ;) besides, they know they have a crush on him too...


horray. my web page works again.

jacob, thanks for the el-helpo. rock on.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

eww. there are little black ants running all around my desk right now. they keep crawling up on my hands and up my arm. i guess they are looking for food...

its weird becuase i dont usually get nightmares... but almost every night this past week i have gotten some sort of bad dream. i think its because ive been watching the x-files right before bed. wich is weird too though, because i ALWAYS watch the x-files right before bed and ive NEVER gotten nightmares becuase if it. and also, x-files is not at all scary compaired to some of the other things i watch...

so, this thursday will be my 22nd vegetarian thanksgiving. i think you should all know, thanks to my loving hippie mother, i have NEVER eaten even a single bite of turkey. and i continue to choose the vegetarian lifestyle for myself for several reasons. none of them being im an animal rights activist. i dont care if you eat meat. go for it.

Friday, November 21, 2003


Thursday, November 20, 2003

ugh. i long to have a conversation with a guy. just to sit down and talk about anything and nothing with a guy. its been so long since ive had a good guy friend to talk with. someone to discuss God with... life... music, movies, art... i would even talk about school with him. its just been too damn long since ive had a good guy friend to talk with.

< melancholiness > blah < /melancholiness >

Monday, November 17, 2003

well, it looks as though the ants have found the empty can of vanilla coke sitting here on my desk. its been there for about two weeks. its about time they found it.

last night laurel made some butterscotch fudge. it looked good, so i ate a couple of pieces. this morning i woke up with a horrible headache and terrible congestion. blah. next time im about to eat something with dairy in it, someone just shove me into a vat of congestion and hit me heard over the head so that i'll remember why i dont eat it. blah.

... " April, I will pray for you, and I will tell you who I am in person. But not yet. I would like you to forgive me, but I know that is not possible until I tell you who I am, so if you will give me a few days I will talk to you personally... " so yeah. i still dont know who you are. sometimes it bothers me. especially since you told me you would talk to me personally. whatever. if it makes you happy.

it hurt the other day when someone told me he thought i was mean. it hurt again today when i told someone he had said that and she agreed without question. i guess maybe he wasnt seriouse when he said it. he probably wasnt actually. and if it was a month ago, it probably wouldnt have bothered me.

this damn shoe fettish it getting pricey.

God bless simon and garfunkel. such soothing sounds... good for my heart...

i just logged into msn messenger. but you werent on-line, nor did you send me an e-mail, so i logged off.

*sigh*

Thursday, November 13, 2003

so, i got the brakes of my car fixed as well as two new tires. now my car is ready to go. ready to go on a road trip. now, to find someone *RESPONSIBLE*and *MY AGE* (at least somewhat my age... prefeably someone born before 1984 at the very, very least...) to go on a road trip with, is a different story.

last night i took a bath for the first time in several years. it was sort of a stupid bath though becuase all i could think about was the possibility of running out of hot water. also, the plug in the bathtub doesnt work, so eventually all the water slipped through the makeshift plug and drained out of the tub while i was sitting in it. i have a fever of somesort, so the bath felt good while it lasted. someday i hope to have one of those huge luxurious bathtubs that take an hour to fill up. maybe it will be a spa bathtub. and i can sit in it and soak like in the movies. something scary will probably be taking place around me in my bathroom as i soak, and i would never realize because i would be so deep in relaxation in my spa bubble bath listening to headphones.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

the following is a semimostofthewaykindofsortof true story...
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“I’ll be back in just a little while!” the boy called as he stepped out the front door of his sister’s house.
“Where are you going?” yelled his sister.
“Im just going for a walk. I’m be back in a little while!” he called out again. And he quickly closed the door behind him, cutting off his sister’s voice, yelling at him again.

The air outside smelt fresh. Not like the humid stuffy air inside the house, like incense burning for hours upon hours filling the air with a thin invisible musty smoke. It was night already, so the air had a slight chill. He looked up to see the stars, but forgot he was in the city where the stars could hardly be seen. He looked ahead and behind him he could hear the muffled sound of music coming out of the house. He heard the voices of his sister and her friends as they talked and laughed. He was glad to get out of the house. To be alone, to take a walk.

He began his walk along the slightly lit street. The street lamps hardly did any good on this road. The passing cars speeding by lit the way a little bit, but not much as they were scarce. He looked around at the different houses as he passed by. Sometimes the curtains would be open and he could spot a television set, or families sitting down to dinner or someone washing the dishes. Dogs barked at him as he slowly walked past the houses. The air was cold, he was glad he had his jacket. The boy tugged at the collar to cover up his cold neck and he breathed into the cup of his hands to warm his face.

Then he heard voices and he was startled by two men standing in front of him on the sidewalk. Where did they come from? They were both dressed in darkly colored clothing and had knit ski caps on. They blocked the sidewalk so there was no way the boy could go around them. The boy felt a slight panic as he got closer to the men. They were not moving, they stood fast where they were. They were talking about something in quiet voices, the boy could not tell what they were saying.

In his mind, the boy considered turning around and going the other way. Then he thought that maybe he shouldn’t show fear and just keep walking, say excuse me, go around them and continue on his way. They would leave him alone wouldn’t they? What were the odds that they wouldn’t leave him alone? After all, people only got robbed, mugged and raped on the television. It wouldn’t happen to him. It couldn’t happen to him. Not here, so close to home, on these streets that he walked everyday. He decided to keep going, giving the strange men the benefit of the doubt, they wouldn’t not harm him.

Suddenly he looked up and they were right in front of him. He stopped short in his tracks, almost running into the men and hitting them in the chest. They were so close. The boy didn’t quite know what to do about all of this. And then all at once, it happened. He felt a gunpoint shove into his ribs and one of the men said, “ give me your wallet asshole…”

Images of the movies flashed through his head. All the dumb movies he had seen where people got held up, shot at, all the people with guns in their faces or shooting at their bodies. All the scenes where the bad guys triumphed and good people were injured. He thought of all the movies he had watched and wondered, is this just another movie? Which one could it be? I don’t remember renting this movie…He felt the gun jab into his ribs again and it brought him back to reality.

“I said give me your wallet you motherfu*ker!” the man with the gun screamed in the boys face. The other man was looking around nervously, keeping an eye out for anyone who may intervene. The boy felt sweat drip down from his forehead as he fumbled around in his pocket for his wallet. He felt it, grabbed it and pulled it out. Clumsily, nervously, he dropped it on the ground. The second man quickly picked it up and shoved it into his jacket pocket.

“Lets get the hell out of here.” He said to the man with the gun. The man with the gun began to withdraw the gun from the boy’s rib cage and he got up in the boys face and said in a dark, cold whisper, “ now, I want you to run away. Just run…” the boy stepped slowly away, watching the men, too scared to turn his back to them.

“I said run you stupid asshole!” the gunman said, this time more loudly.

The boy turned around and ran. He ran and ran, never turning around, never looking back. He ran until he reached a gasoline station. He felt safer as the station was well lit. He found a payphone and called the sheriffs office. They would send a patrol car to pick him up and take him to the station where he would attempt to identify the men who held him at gunpoint.

The boy found a place to sit and wait. Finally his walk was over. He prayed silently to his heavenly father, thanking him for protecting him. Thanking him for being there with him as the man with the gun threatened his life. The boy sang praises to his Lord in his heart. Then he thought to himself, “I bet those guys are going to feel really stupid when they open up my wallet and all they find are a couple of receipts and my stupid murders inc. card… “

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thank you Jesus, for loving and protecting your Children.

travis, i hope you learned your lesson. :) i was glad to see that you ate three meals today, by the way.

Monday, November 10, 2003

i watched finding nemo with my nephew this evening. that movie is the bomb dot com.

im currently downloading nick drake music.

charlie, im going to come and visit you when you guys go down to work in l.a.

travis, im glad you didnt get shot the other night. im glad you are o.k.

kevin?

Friday, November 07, 2003

She scanned the room as she walked through. As usual the foyer was filled with smiling people talking, laughing, apparently enjoying themselves. No one seemed to notice her though, as she slipped through the crowd, headed towards the door. The thought rain through her head about how it might be nice to be acknowledged… to have someone in the room look her in the eyes, to have someone smile at her personally and maybe ask her how she was. For a minute she thought it might be nice.

As she approached the door she suddenly spotted someone she knew. She had talked to him on the phone a few times just a couple of months ago. He knew her brother, her family, he knew who she was. She had sat in his class several times, answering questions about the subject on hand. The girl zoomed in on him, looking at his eyes hoping to catch a glance, to get a smile. She smiled and watched as she walked closer to the door, where he was and where she was headed, she continued to smile, hoping, hoping, hoping… maybe this time her presence would be known…

Finally she reached the door. The place she was headed. He was still there, talking to someone, yet having plenty opportunity to see her and smile at her. To say hello, how are you? Good… she was right next to him, she could have reached out and touched him if she had the notion, but she kept walking. Into the door, into the sanctuary of the church. Her smile faded, her heart fell a little. She had no recognition from him as she passed in front of him. She had no smile from him, not even a little friendly look in the eye. Nothing.

The girl found her place in the crowd. She sat down silently, she looked ahead. It didn’t really matter all that much. After all, it wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t the first time that she had been ignored by her youth pastor.

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Thursday, November 06, 2003

fif concert kicked ass. thanks heather for buying me a ticket. especially the guy who blew up that stupid hostpital glove on his head in the front crowd.

juanita kicks ass. juanita, dont let certain boys get you down. trust me, he isnt worth it. God has someone better for you. and untill you have him to cry on his shoulder, you can cry on my shoulder anytime.

hey waldo, what are the "april chronicles"? also, please eat something. im concerned for you and i think you should eat food more often than you do. please.

i kidnapped joel. ive never kidnapped anyone before. somehow i thought it would be different. it was fun though.

spending time with you is good for me heart and soul and mind. i love you.

please pray for my friends t.s. & a.t. & j.t.

i cant wait to NOT go to the show on friday night.

i had a bizarro dream about someone whom i hardly know the other night. it was a bizarro dream.

also, just to let you know, you cant make jello pudding with soy milk. it wont set. it doesnt work.

peace be in your hearts....

Sunday, November 02, 2003

maybe i should have stopped...



... but what would you have said?