it was a terrible morning... waking up at 6:00 ish to the sound of the big stupid tractor outside of my window doing godonlyknowswhatbutitreallypissedmeoff was not my ideal way of waking up. honestly, i almost went to the window and yelled something awful into the fresh morning (freezing cold, there is probably going to be a blizzard today) air. but the though of dave davis' response to my foul language brought me to my senses, so i simply got up, stumbled to the window, closed it, stumbled back to bed and prayed with all of my might that i would be able to sleep for just a few more hours.

i did. but i woke up cranky. yeah, what else is new. "boy i feel sorry for whoever you marry someday..." shut up, mark. and im still extremely irratable. my stomach is turning. my head is pounding. my teeth even ache. everyones voice is pissing me off. im not even PMS'ing. im just simply annoyed.

anyway, it doesnt really matter that much.

ugh... well, i was intedning on writing something good here today. something good and right from my heart, something deep about the way that i feel right now concerning going home in a few days... but im way to annoyed by the loud voices filling this room, so im going to go away now.

haha!

focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus,focus...

i dont think i like all of the heartache that comes along with having a deep relationship with someone. so, im going to go find something superficial to drown my emotions in...

i dont like it when people tell me whats wrong with my body... what i should and shouldnt be doing with it to make it feel better or whatever... mostlly im talking about my sleeping habbits... what i know for sure is that my body needs a certain amount of sleep and if i dont get that sleep then i know it and it effects me terribly... what i know is that for the past week i have had to get up at 6:00ish a.m. to be at work at 6:30a.m. and i have been going to bed around 10:00 or even 11:00 the night before. i know thats effecting my body. i am cranky and my eyes feel all swollen. but mostly i am cranky. i feel awful and snippity and mean. my body is worn out. i can barely breathe through both of my nostrils. ive had this head ache for almost two weeks now. i'm emotional and irritable. i cant stand myself. and i know that i need more sleep. i dont care how your body reacts to sleep. i dont care how much sleep you need vrs. how much sleep i need. your body is different than mine. i need a certain amount of sleep and if i dont get it, i'm an awful person to be around. even for myself. so, please dont try to convince me that my sleeping habbits are wrong. i know my own body and i need more sleep than ive been getting...

who knew slow motion could be so much fun? i certainly didnt untill i watched steven and ben in slow motion today for almost an hour.

a conversation i had with my 8 day old headache this morning while i was doing the dishes... he started it...

"hey april, its been a while... "
"yeah, it has been..."
"i bet you thought you were rid of me, huh?"
"well, yah. actually i did think i was rid of you. i guess i was wrong though..."
"heh... yeah... you can't get rid of me. i'm in your genes you know. i'll be here forever... always lurking in the far recesses of your brain... no amount of advil, tylonol, exedrin or any ort of acetominaphin can get rid of me. you should know that by now..."
"well, damnit. i was under the impresion that you were caused by a slight milk allergy, you know. "
"yeah, i remember that whole vegan for three months thing. thought you could self diagnose yourself lactose intolerant, huh? i humored you for a while, but im sick of hiding out. so im back."
"that really sucks. its not anything im not used too though, old friend."

my most faithful friend, my headache.

i shouldnt have watched it again, but i did. i'm not sure why, but its done now and im sort of left feeling depressed and dark. i guess i have grown more sensitive over the past year and a half or so and i should be more careful about what things im watching and aware of how they will effect my mood. now that i know, i will watch out for it.

the movie left me wanting to cry, sleep, hug someone, sit and talk with someone about important things for a long time. eric and matt ditched me, so i ended up sleeping, but now that im awake again, i only wish i were still sleeping. sleep until tomorrow morning would have been ideal, but my bladder woke my up only to find that i had two calls from heather and a yellowjacket wasp in my water bottle.

i havnt drank enough water today. i probably have only had an equivilant of two cups and its 7:30 p.m. so, i dumped the wasp into the toilet and flushed it (fucker) and now im attempting to drink my daily supply of water before i go to bed for the night so i wont be woken up from dehydration.

these things are semi-shallow. they are nowhere near the full extent of thoughts i have been mulling over for the past week or so. im used to keeping things in, but sometimes i get overwhelmed. some things i need to share but it seem like those are the things i cant bring myself to share.

"hey, can we talk for a while?" those words dont come easily to me. do they come easily to anyone? i wish they did. sensitivity and vulnerability is not my forte (sp?). and i feel as though i might be putting people out if i were to aproach them in that way. most "how are you?"'s are out of simple politness. i hardly feel as though people really mean it when they ask me that question. its an expected question to ask. its not becuase they REALLY want to know. sometimes though, on rare occasion, i get asked that question in a pure senscere way. i'll answer your questions, i'll answer anyones questions, if they really care and want to spend time with me. ask me out of sincerety. i would love to spend time with you.

ive been more vulnerable in the past two weeks than i have ever been in my life. well, for the past four years anyway. and im not sure what to do with this. what do i do with these feelings? how do i handle myself? what do i say? the sick feeling remains in my stomach. lurking and deep, it shows up right on target every time.

12 ounces to go before i reach 32. i supose i should probably drink another 32 before nightly sleep in a little while. and chocolate. i crave it right now. i should probably go ahead and eat some chocolate before sleep tonight as well...

God gave me a gift. i have the ability to sit in one place for somtimes hours. today i sat on the back portch and watched buble bees fly around and listened to the house break and felt the new leaves on the trees and saw a little lizard run around on the fence. sitting in one place for a long time is my favorite.

damnit. i wish people would speak their minds. instead of keeping it all inside. talk. talk. talk. tell me. lets talk. am i the only one ballsy enough to tell people what i think? i want people to know. im not ashamed of what i belive in and what i feel. why is it such a big deal? what are you afraid of? ive learned that one of my favorite things are conversation... not simple, shallow, pretty conversations, but the deep, dark, sometimes ugly ones. the truthful ones. i love the truth. i love the truth about how people feel, even if i dont share the feelings or the beliefs of the person i am spending time with. if there is honesty there, it is beautiful. the truth is beautiful, share it with me. i love beautiful things... what are you afraid of? acceptance? rejection? i'll accept you. its easy.

avoidance might be easy. possibly the right way to go. anyway, thats what my brain is telling me. my heart tells me something different, but i dont think i want to listen to my heart right now. im too tired of it. im tired.

pouring out my heart through the keyboard to a computer screen...

i cancelled my credit card account. so i guess i'll be moving to blogger sometime extremely soon...

holy shit!