sammy bought a hermit crab. we drew on its shell with a sharpie marker. i flicked it across the floor and poked at it with the sharpie, hoping it would come out of its shell and pinch at me. sammy lit a match on fire and the hermit crab grabbed it with its claws and held it. the hermit crab jumped out of its little plastic tupperwear tub home and attacked juanita while she was painting her nails. john called the crab 'fishy' and sammy let it run around on the floor all night.

today the hermit crab passed away. perhaps it was due to the crack in its shell (that sammy cleverly tried to patch up with scotch tape) or perhaps it was due to the climate shock. maybe it was home sick for the ocean or the *ventura* mall. or maybe it was just its time to go.

without a sound, the little hermit crab left this life and moved on to wherever dead hermit crabs go. rest in peace crab. we will forever remember you with the warmest of thoughts...

straight from my worldess heart, written by Mrs. Mary Shelly in her book "Frankenstien", my newest friend and company...

" But i have one want wich i have never yet been able to satisfy; and the absence of the object of wich i now feel as a most severe evil. i have no friend, margaret; when i am glowing with the enthusiasm of success, there will be none to participate my joy; if i am assailed by disappointment, no one will endevour to sustain me in dejection. i shall commet my thoughts to paper, it is true; but that is a poor medium for the communication of feeling. i desire the company of a man who could sympathise with me; whose eyes would reply to mine. you may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but i bitterly feel the want of a friend. i have no one near me, gentle yet courageous, possessed of a cultivated as well as of a capacious mind, whose tastes are like my own, to aprove or ammend my plans. how would such a friend repair the faults of your poor brother! i am too ardent in execution, and too impatient of difficulties....

... it is true that i have thought more, and that my day dreams are more extended and magnificant; but they want (as thew painters call it) keeping; and i greatly need a friend who would have sense enough not to despise me as romantic, and affection enough for me to endevour to regulate my mind. "

amazingly accurate to the current condition of my own heart.

yesterday was christmas and the boy from across the street just left to go back to school. i took my little (younger) brother to go see the return of the king this morning and the theatre was already packed out at 9:45 a.m.. last night it rained and today was clear and beautiful with big fluffy clouds lazily floating across the crystal clear blue sky. i ran into an old friend at the theatre this morning, and suprisingly, for the time in running into a "friend" from the past, it was good for my heart to see him. i had the headache of my life most of the day, the movie did not help, but a shower and excedrin did. im feeling better now, except for this little twain of saddness i feel inside at the thought of the coziness of the holidays taking its leave.

and now, i leave you with more pieces of useless information about myself. peace be in your hearts on this beautiful afternoon...

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
I drove to far off places without my family… sometimes (most of the time) without anyone at all.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t have any new years resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no… not this year…

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no. not close. But a few deaths did strike a chord. And there was a spiritual death of sorts that broke my heart.

5. What countries did you visit?
mexico

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
maybe a good friend to drive on trips with me. More of a peaceful heart, more of a compassionate heart…


7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don’t remember dates, but highlights of my year were having my car fixed, going to the beach with chris, almost killing a guy on a motercycle, reconciliation with joel, chris coming back from Alaska, family camp, Disney land and lots of long drives by myself.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
a little more independence, a little more compassion, a little less apathy (only towards certain things)

9. What was your biggest failure?
failure to communicate how much certain people mean to me

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no. not physicly anyway.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
umm… Im not a reckless spender, so I pretty much really like anything that I bought this past year… maybe the best thing I bought? Anything to keep my car drivable.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my two littlest sisters.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my sister and her boyfriend, chris

14. Where did most of your money go?
my car, gasoline, 14 eye doc marten boots and now christmas

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don’t ever get really, really, really excited about anything. But any long distant drives make me happy.

16. What song(s*) will always remind you of 2003?
overdue by the get up kids, a minor incident by badly drawn boy and cut here by the cure. There are others of course, too many to count.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, but more jaded.
ii. thinner or fatter? THINNER!
iii. richer or poorer? The same. More of a grasp on my money though.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
read, work on my art, take walks.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
nothing really.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
at home with my family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
no. im sort of anti-relationship right now to a certain degree.

23. How many one-night stands?
zero.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
re-runs of boy meets world, x-files and good eats.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?
wicked by Gregory mcguire. The only book I read. And im not finished yet.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery
badly drawn boy, nick drake, the red west

8. What did you want and get?
I wanted my car engine to be fixed, and due to my saving my money all throughout last year, this year I got it done.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
made this year? I have no clue… I probably like them all to a certain degree… probably my favorite film of this year was about a boy and down with love.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I stayed at home and did nothing. I turned 22.


32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if I had a friend to talk with. Whatever “friend” means…

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
anti-fashion… take them off.

34. What kept you sane?
the fact that no matter how shitty everyone else is and how shitty my situations are, my heavely father loves me and cares for me more than I can understand.
My highschoolers keep me sane (and insane at the same time)
Driving around.
Watching movies.
Taking walks
Sitting by myself downtown
Music
Rain.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
ewan mcgregor

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
too many to count.

37. Who did you miss?
joel

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
I learned by watching others close to me, to never settle for less than Gods best.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
There's nothing i could say to make you try to feel ok
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way i do
And if the chance should happen that i never see you again
Just remember that i'll always love you

I'd be a better person on the other side i'm sure
You'd find a way to help yourself
And find another door
To shrug off minor incidents
And Make us both feel proud
I'd just wish i could be there to see you through

You always were the one to make us stand out in a crowd
Though every once apon a while your head was in a cloud
There's nothing you could never do to ever let me down
And remember that ill always love you ~badly drawn boy

"the only time i feel the pain is in the sunshine and rain. i dont feel no hurt at all, unless you count when teardrops fall... i tell the truth 'cept when i lie, it only hurts me when i cry..." dwight yoakam

you will probably never know how much good it does my heart to spend time with you.

my new years resolution is to become more introverted... i want to be beautiful in a quiet, natural way.

i LONG to work in the garden again... for hours upon hours... to plant plants and see them grow... to have flowers...

drive to the snow tomorrow!!! i bought chains for my tires so i can speed around in the snow!!! im SO EXCITED!

wOw. im exsausted now.

im going to get the fuel injectors cleaned in my car today. good times.

tomorrow my brother and i are going to the mountains to look at the snow.

mom trimmed my hair last night. it looks so much healthier.

i was watching st elmo's fire and i realized that the character Billy is reminds me a whole lot of chris. please pray for chris.

i bought juanita the bomb christmas present.

i have a week and a half off of work for christmas vacation. im excited.

last night i rented six movies.

its good to be released of the past... to be able to just dance freely to the music that the universe hands you...

but sometimes you look back...

i remember one of the pieces i gave you at christmas about a hundred years ago and how you never even bothered to ask what it ment. maybe you thought you knew what it ment, but if you figured it out for yourself then you are a smarter man than i EVER gave you credit for.

sometimes i wish i had that back. i wish you would collect all the things ive ever given you and put them in a cardboard box. then show up at my doorstep some time unexpecdily and shove the cardboard box at me and say "heres all your stuff back" in a huff. i would give you all your stuff back in a cardboard box, but the only things you ever gave me were a dead bouquet of flowers and a sympathetic ear and the flowers crumbled apart and i lost your sympathetic ear a long time ago. i never wanted your sympathetic ear. all i wanted was your friendship.

there are small pieces of my heart imprinted throughout those pieces. you will never know because you never bothered to ask.

don't bother now. leave me to dance without you, becuase thats the way you wanted it.
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christmas time this year is lovely. i finished my shopping back in november so this paycheck i am buying some chains for my car tires. this saturday we are taking a drive up to one of the villiages in the park and going to eat at the lodge resteraunt, all fancy like.

we delivered vegan christmas cookies to people whom i care for today. it was fun to drive around and stop at houses where they werent expecting company. most people live out in the country and never get unexpected guests. juanitas house was the bomb. reminded me of the house i mostly grew up in. the only difference is my house was a famr house and her house is an old fire house. weird.

i feel the need to simplify my life... although im not sure how i could go about doing that seeing as though my life is already pretty simple. but still, i have this longing to make my life more simple... quiter, calmer, more private...

so im going to create a space. im going to build it and keep it simple. i will decorate with natural beauty and things that i create. plants and art... calming things... its going to be a place where i can sit and read, think, pray, meditate, drink coffee and if i should happen to miracuously (sp?) make a friend, we can sit out there together and do nothing in silence. or have quiet conversation.

the place is going to be outside. a sort of arbor or gondola or a sort of pavilion of sorts. with a wooden floor and a roof... i am going to grow plants all around and vines up onto the roof. somehow i will be able to cover it in the winter time... maybe i can have a fire pit or a heater of some sort so it will be available to me in the winter. i would prefer my space to have no electricity, but i think i will add it so that i can have lighting out there for the evening or the night time. perhaps i'll make it my summer home and string up a hammic to sleep in at night.

sounds lovely. just the thought of it calms my mind...

please pray that i would be able to somehow simplify my life a little more. whatever that means. it truly is my current hearts desire.

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this afternoon after work i sat at tazzaria for about an hour reading my book. i couldnt get into it though with the thoughts rushing through my head about people who were once close to me but now are not. im saddened by the choices that they make and they way that they treat themselves, thinking its the best thing for them. thinking they are making the right choices when they are crushing all the people around them that love them so much. its funny how people continue doing certain things even when its obviously killing off the relationships that matter the most. i guess maybe those relationships didnt matter so much after all?

i know, inside your heart hurts. if it doesnt, then you are more gone than i thought you were...

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tomorrow is beautiful saturday. just about the lonliest day of the week (besides friday night). im going for a drive up to see the snow. i dont really know how im going to manage this yet though considering i have a little over a half a tank of gasoline and only five dollars in my wallet... maybe i'll dig around in the back of my car for the suprise money that randomly throw back there... maybe... maybe i have more in my wallet than i think i do... somehow i'll come up with whatever money i need and then im pulling out of here. im going to blast blind mellon or something of the sort and forget all the stuff that goes on down here in my normal day to day life. im going to concentrate (as much as i can considering im going to be driving) on the (mostly) undesturbed nature and beauty that God created. my getaway, my time to rejuvinate (sp?) and regather myself.

i wont be at the open mic tomorrow night becuase i am agoraphobic and a lost cause. i will never truly like crowds. i will never be comfortable with a crowd. i can only find comfort sitting across from one person with a heart filled conversation.

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sarahcheiko, i think you write beautifly...

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peace...

every morning of the week... 30 minutes to wake my body up, 30 minutes to drink my coffee, 30 mintues to get ready to go and 30 minutes for the long drive into town. and every morning as im sitting in bed waking my body up, i give myself a little pep talk that goes something like this (according to what day of the week it is...) " its tuesday... that means tomorrow is wendesay wich means the next day is thrusday, wich means the NEXT day is friday, meaning the weekend and i get to sleep as late as i want on saturday... " then i get out of bed for my coffee.

and now im sitting here with my coffee, looking forward to this day with great anticipation.

what do i have to anticipate? nothing really. and im actually not looking forward to the day with great anticipation. but, maybe God will suprise me today. i remember a while back, before all the shit, i would ask God everymorning to suprise me with something during the day. i asked him to help me to keep my eyes open and my heart open and i asked him to suprise me. and he never failed. for about two weeks He suprised me everyday. not big suprises, mostly little observational suprises. and if i remember right, one horrible suprise. but it was a suprise non the less. maybe i should try that again. its fun... maybe you should try it too...

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a ( P )
n.
An abnormal fear of open or public place.

abnormal... heh...

Find Out If You Are John Stamos!

damn.

i went to the christmas parade on monday downtown. we ended up sitting at tazz from 4:30ish 'till 8:00. i LOVE sitting in one spot for that long. just sitting there watching people pass by... a few interesting things happened while we were there... the parade was not one of them.
		im now a nutritional consultant. im requiring that travis keeps a food consumption journal, so he wont end up looking like death... at the end of this month, he is to turn it in to me to look at. then i will tell him what he doing wrong and how he can fix it. " this is why i hate shopping for clothes. see? i have no butt! " that sucks.
so, i went to the tree63 concert last night. i sat inside the *foyer* for a while. said hullo to a few people i knew from saviors and continued to sit there on that chair. i watched as mike walked by me several times, everytime i looked into his eyes to make eye contact, to say hello, to smile a bit... he never aknowledged me. i retreated outside. the air was cold and dry. i walked around a bit and ended up sitting in the pavilion. i was alone out there, but it was awesome. its a nice pavilion, the heater was on, so it was warm and the speakers are set up so i could hear what was going on inside perfectly. so i sat out there alone, under the soft light and the heater. surrounded by empty, white tableclothed tables with little bouquets of fake poinsettia flowers in the centers. juanita come a little later and joined me there. then we went back to my house and watched about a boy (the BOMB movie). speaking of movies, im excited becuase i rented six of them tonight... The Serpants Kiss, Levity, Wendigo, Seven Years in Tibet, Bridget Jones Diary and the Italian Job. im excited. so, yeah.
	today i got a runny nose. ive sneezed about a bazillion times. and my eyes feel all puffy. anyone want to hang out sometime?