i added a guestbook yesterday afternoon. sign it if you care.

here are a couple of new sketches i just scanned. they are taken from different pieces i am working on as of now. i have not been drawing too much lately becuase i am uninspired. blah.

i got a job at watsons, the local health food store, thanks to my sister, heather. i guess i start next week some time.

stupid msn messenger. keeps messing up.

by the way, im still apathetic. its fun though. im having a absolute blast. blast i tell you. wooo fun.

the daffodil lament by the cranberries
dedicated to bartholomew

Holding on that's what I do
since I met you
And it won't be long, would you notice
If I left you
And it's fine for some 'cause you're not the one

All night long, I laid on my pillow
These things are wrong I can't sleep here
So lonely, so lonely

I have decided to leave you forever
I have decided to start things from here
Thunder and lightning won't change what I'm feeling
And the daffodils look lovely today

Oh in your eyes I can see the disguise
Oh in your eyes I can see the dismay
Has anyone seen lightning
Has anyone looked lovely

And the daffodils looked lovely today
Looked lovely...

apathetic is a really cool word. yesterday sucked for several reasons. apathetic is what i feel. most of the time, i try to avoid stupid girlish tendancies but everyonce and a while i get sort of emotional for no particular reason. from now on, i am simply going to be apathetic.

life really sucks when you have a aching hole in your mouth and a headache among other things. but you know what? i dont care. im apathetic.

Apathetic \Ap`a*thet"ic\, Apathetical \Ap`a*thet"ic*al\a. [See
{Apathy}.]
Void of feeling; not susceptible of deep emotion; passionless; indifferent.


apathetic
adj 1: showing little or no emotion or animation; "a woman who became active rather than apathetic as she grew older"
2: marked by a lack of interest; "an apathetic audience"; "the universe is neither hostile nor friendly; it is simply
indifferent" [syn: {indifferent}]

today is going to be *such* a beautiful day.

cool. i took this test from gir. check out the page if you love invader zim.

you will sign this if you are cool. even if you dont watch invader zim. sign it anyway. for me. make my day.

headache in my gums...

i watched four movies yesterday. swimming with sharks (keven spacey), analyze this (robert deniro and billy crystal), rose red (the new stephen king tv movie) and night at the roxbury(chris kattan and will ferrel). all of them were pretty good. the stephen king movie was pretty cheesy so far, but thats to be expected from him for the first night of the series. night at the roxbury was pickin funny though.

hrm... i really miss hanging out with joel. stupid hole in my mouth. not that that has to do with anything. hellofabadday and its only 9:30. dangit. im ok.... im ok... im ok...

Jane is cynical, intelligent, and talented (she is a budding artist). Like any good artist, Jane constantly explores the passionate and emotional side of the world. She believes paint-by-number kits are inherently evil.

paint by number kits *are* inherently evil.

"how i wish you were here" by pink floyd.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from Pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail ?
A smile from a veil ?
Do you think you can tell
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts ?
Hot ashes for trees ?
Hot air for a cool breeze ?
Cold comfort for chains ?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found ?
The same old fears
Wish you were here

my mouth hurts. among other things.

isaiah rocks. just because.

if i were a daria character, i would look like this...

hannah kicks becuase she brought me a milkshake.
Mmmm....

heather is the coolest person in the whole wide world becuase she brought be juice appeal.
Mmm...

hrm... two more huge teeth pulled... isaiah had a really good idea for my teeth yesterday. he said i should carve little skulls into them. i thought that was awesome. my good friend, mr. maddox said that he had the tools to do something like that, and he would bring them to school some time so i could carve little skulls into my teeth. i cant wait.

untill then though, i have *two* holes O' blood in my mouth. i was spitting blood all day yesterday and when i woke up this morning there were several drool spots O' blood on my sheets where i drooled last night in my sleep. gross. anyway, its back to the 'ole headache in my gums for the next few weeks.

yesterday was awesome though. i went right from having my teeth pulled to going with zay to paint his cousins house. all day we were painting. it was good times. today is *happy stay at home and watch moves and try to figure out whats wrong with the tv in my room* day. have a good one. i know i will.

"becuase maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me... and after all... your my wonderwall..." ~oasis

by the way, heres my teeth...

well folks, tomorrow is the big day. yes, you all know what im talking about... the BIG one... thats right... im getting two more teeth pulled. im semi-scared, but mostly sort of looking forward to it for some demented reason. hrm...

today was one hellofabadday. i dont know why. its just was. stupid brain. if it werent for my brain then i wouldnt think so much about different stuff.

i finished heatheryys web page layout... it kicks to say the least... check it. accounts of a one girl army. also i put up a new pic 'O me on this site... to the left...

blah today. this is my new favorite song. its dedicated to bartholomew...

"fade" by staind

...I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt

I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do

I never meant to fade away...
I never meant to fade away...

Results of the Death test
Well, according to the sparks death quiz/test, I should live to be 84...living until September 24, 2068. Not bad for a guy huh? Well, so be it. I wouldn't mind going at that age...I guess. Take the test at Sparks...-Zay out

hrm... this is how emotionally mature i am, according to emode.com...

Overall, your emotional age is quite mature. You probably keep your feelings very guarded. While this guardedness means that you show a composed face to the world, it can also mean you're viewed as a bit distant.

its another pajama day, folks. but i think i'll take a shower. my hair is pretty gross right now. yesterday rocked becuase i watched tv a lot. today is going to rock too, dangit. so is tomorrow. it just is.

happy gumby movie day. kasey rented the gumby movie yesterday and shes coming over today to watch it. i love gumby. its going to be the best. the absolute best.

woo hoo! finished the new page layout. i added some art to my art page, check it. thanks isaiah, for changing the color of the navigation bar... the colors are perfect. isaiah rocks.

anyway, nothing else to say. too much on my mind.

working on my page layout...

well... still working on my new layout...

last night i watched thelma and louise for the first time. i never watched it before becuase i had always heard it was dumb. it was dumb too. i got a nightmare from it. it was a horrible nightmare. i dreamed i was living in a trailor park and i was married to tom hanks (i just watched the green mile), and we had some greasy construction worker neighbor who was horrible. my husband and him always fought and one night the neighbor got tired of it and he came over to our trailor and shot tom hanks to death and then he shot me in the knees and once in the shoulder. tom hanks died and i went into mourning becuase he was my husband in the dream and i was walking around in an orchard and joels mom came up to me out of nowhere and tells me she is very proud of me. heh... weird.

now im all freaked out.

im very excited. my new web page layout is very nice... i'll upload it later if i get it all fixed up... its very nice...

i had to drive into woodlake for a few minutes today to go to the church. i was doing a lot of thinking about this past year and whats happened and stuff. life really is funny sometimes. i just remember mr. maddox telling me that "lifes a bitch" and then he told me he was very proud of me. heh...

anyway, heres a summery of this past year in a few words from beggining to end...
i went to school
i didnt mind school
God used me in school
grandpa died
went to mexico
found out something weird
pierced my ear
went back to school
hated school
got better at my art
realized something horrible
heard God calling me
acted on God calling me
took a bold step
school ended
began the best summer of my life
fell in love
felt God using me
had a couple of tough weeks
walked right in Gods plan
bought a car
summer ended
hell began
school started
made a mistake
became more cynical
realized something else horrible
took care of the problem
went to magic mountain
paid dearly for my mistake
took another bold step
had a much needed talk
got better
got worse
school ended
had a much needed vacation
made an awesome friend
made a very important, very hard desision
doing better now
kind of.

now i am here. thinking...

pathetic looser... i spent almost an hour trying to find the starter on my car yesterday. i even found the book that dad bought that tells you how to fix the car. i found the place that said how to take the starter off, but it didnt say where the stupid starter is. needless to say, i am pretty put out and a little depressed over the whole thing. owning a car is great, but not when its broken and you dont have the money to take it pep biys to be fixed. today i plan on working on my web page layout, drinking coffee and soaking in my own self pity.

ohhhhh ok. not really. im over it. i can wait untill i have some help with my car. i'll be fine untill then. i made a desicion yesterday though. as soon as my car is fixed, i will get the motivation to go out and get a job. theres no point in finding a job when i have to transportation anyway. my mind is made up. im going to find a job.

*sigh*

"reach out and touch me
make effort to speak to me
call out and you'll hear me
be happy for me....."

Mmm.... coffee and pajama's make everything better. for the time being anyway. untill i have to go out there in the cold and work on my car. untill then, i have coffee and pajamas. Mmm....

im done.

ok folks, take the what empire records character are you?quiz riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhht.......... NOW!

has·sle (hsl) Informal, n.
1.Trouble; bother.

its funny how to some people some things can be a hassle and to other people that same thing is not a problem. i guess it just depends on who you are, what your priorities are and how much you really care. i dont know.

i am sorry. i never ment to be a hassle.

thats it!

i am so sick and tired of people thinking they have to grow up so fast. whats the big deal people? the thing that annoys the hell out of me is when people are like 18 years old, but they just *HAVE* to take thirteen million units next semester becuase they just *HAVE* to get their B.A. before the time they are 19 or 20 so that they can get on with there stupid lives. didnt anyone pay any attention to the imortal words of simon and garfunkle when they sang "slow down, you move to fast. youve got to make the moment last, just kicking around the cobblestones... looking for fun and feeling groovy...". why cant people just hold on to their youth and have some fun for Gods sakes! are you really in such a big rush that you cant hang out with friends everyonce and a while? whats really important here? pursuing friendship, or pursuing career? why the rush?

*sigh*

the other thing i hate is when stupid people accuse you of being gay just becuase you are over 16 years old and you havnt had a boyfriend/girlfriend. get over it and mind your own freakin business.

*laughing*

ohhhhhh boy.

i watched the tom green show untill 1:00 last night. travis sort of reminds me of tom green. tom green is one of the most funniest people ever.

What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?



haha. breaking stuff is cool.

"the loudest sound" by the cure

Side by side in silcence they pass way the day
So comfortable, so habitual...and so nothing left to say
Nothing left to say
Nothing left to say
Side by side in silence his thoughts echo round
He looks upa t the sky...she looks down at the ground
Stares down at the ground
Stares down at the ground
Side by side in silence they wish for different worlds
She dreams him as a boy...he loves her as a girl
Loves her as a girl...


And side by side in silence without a single word...
It's the loudest sound
It's the loudest sound...
It's loudest sound I ever heard

stupid annoying things that prevent me from doing morning yoga, stupid sleepless nights and stupid wordless thoughts in my mind and other stuff... grrrrrr... sometimes lifes a bi-ANYWAY...

this morning i did what i do best. i worked in the yard and i cleaned the house. i even did some dishes. thats truly my calling in life. as of right now i am happy in a strange sort of lonely way... hrm... i think though, that i am taking slow steps in the right direction.

unfortunatly, all of my galavanting needs were not met yesterday with our trip to fresno. i need to go away. farther away. to a farther away land. anyway napa valley sounds good. just as soon as i figure out where the heck that is and get my car running again im there. i am so there. i dont even know why. just to be there i guess. to not be here. sounds good to me.

i am still feeling fine as of now. juuuuuuust fine.

God bless morning yoga

thats it!

i removed the list of movies that joel needs to see for several reasons one of them being im tired of putting so much into things and not getting anything in return. call me selfish, but i couldnt take it anymore. i give up. it had to go. maybe i'll put it back someday. it needed updating anyway. sorry for those of you who really liked it for some reason.

check out isaiah's new layout design. its pretty kickin. the next level

i am just really pissed off today. the day started horrible, waking up at 7:30 when i had planned on sleeping in really late and the events of the day are just not helping. this is a horrible, awful day where nothing can go right. nothing. i hate everyone except for heather, isaiah, mom and travis.

well, now that thats over. i dont feel any better.

"how can you love someone and not even like them?" ~john cusak from americas sweethearts

i dont know.

jewel pretty much sums it all up...

"i go about my business, im doing fine, besides what would i say if i had you on the line? same old story, not much to say... hearts are broken everyday..."