the girl could feel her breath shortening as she ran through the orachards. it was becoming harder and harder to breath... she could feel the asthma as it slowly drifted down her throat and clouded up her lungs making it hard to continue breathing. she slowed down to a stop and began coughing and she noticed her breath sounded weezy and tight. she stopped and placed her hands on her knees and bend down to catch her breath. the 3 miles she had planned on for today would have to wait untill another time, minimizing todays workout to a mere 2 miles. it was ok, she thought as she slowly began walking back down to rows of orange trees towards her home... its alright...

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dammit. damn, damn, damn.

now that ive got that all out of my system... its more than the asthma...

something was wrong... the girl could feel her car reducing in speed... second by second, the speedometer dropped. "new years day" blaired from the cd player and the girl quickly turned it down to listen to the engine. all she could hear was reving noises... Mmmm... Mmmm... MMMMmmm... 50 MPH, 40 MPH, 30 MPH... she pulled off to the side of the road and let it drop the rest of the way down untill the car did not move at all.

she turned off the engine and sat there. for a minute or two, absolutly nothing ran through her head. then, thoughts slowly began arising... im in the car, she thought... the car just stopped, i have no idea whats going on... i have no way of getting ahold of anyone... she looked around her, observing the situation... cars speed by her quickly as she estimated how far it would be to walk somewhere to give someone a call. she imagined herself walking along the busy freeway by herself... it would be at least a mile before she could get to a phone and a mile on a busy freeway might as well have been 10 miles. the odds are pretty much against me, she thought. in her head she asked for Jesus' protection.

the girl got out of her car and pulled the little nob to pop the hood. she opened tyhe hood of her car and checked the engine oil and trasmission fluid. all seemed well. she signed and got back in her car. for a while she watched traffic zooming by. oddly enough, thoughts about her day at school, all the home work that she needed to get done and past written e-mails ran through her head rather than thoughts about getting out of the precarious situation she was currently in. she felt her stomach churn and could hear it rumbling and she remembered that she haddnt eaten at all today and it was not afternoon time. she drank down about 16 ounces of hot water that had probably been sitting in her car for days now. great, she thought... now im stuck out here by myself, im hungry and im going to have to go pee.

she reached into her backpack and pulled out the book that she had been reading, The Joy Luck Club, and began to read. looking up everyonce and while, the girl read for about an hour. sounds of cars were all around her and the sun was hot, but she managed to read her book quite peacefully.

suddenly, she heard a car pulling up from behind. she looked up as a truck passed alongside of her and came to a stop just a few feet ahead. she watched as a young man climbed out of the truck. he had dark hair and eyes, wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt. the girls heart skipped a beat. he was very handsom. is this for real? the girl thought to herself, this only happens in movies! but sure enough, it was real. the young man slowly walked up to her car. the girl got out and stood at the door of her broke down car. "hello" the guy said. "hi." the girl smiled at him politely. "are you having some car trouble?" the guy asked her. "yeah..." the girl glanced down at her car and noticed how covered with dust it was... she noticed all the little parts where the paint was chipped off of the body, "i dont know what happened... i was driving and then the speed began to drop suddenly. i pulled off and have been here for about an hour." the young man raised his eye brows and widened his eyes a bit "an hour? wow..." he reached up and sratched the back of his neck and looked around at the traffic driving by. "well..." he looked back at the girl, "mind if i take a look under the hood?" , "no, i already did, but you are welcomed to also..." the girl popped the hood and the guy lifted it and looked under at the mess of wires and computer parts and engine parts entagled together. he siged as he pulled the dipsticks out for the engine oil and tranny fluid and saw that they were fine. he wiped his hands on a rag and looked up at the girl, his eyes squinting from the brightness of the sun. "well, would you like a lift somewhere?" then he smiled at her. the girl didnt know weither to accept or not... she hesitated... the young man slammed the hood down and his face lit up, "hey! actually dont worry about it! i have a cell phone! you can call someone..." he laughed a little bit, "sorry, i didnt even remember i had that phone... my mom asked me to get it in case something happened. i never use it... " he jogged back to his truck and reached in and pulled out an old looking cell phone. he took a minute looking at it and finally found the on button. the phone beeped on and he handed it to the girl. "here ya go..." he smiled at her again. she took the phone and called someone to come and get her. clicking the phone off, she handed it back to him and smiled, "thank you." she said. "no problem... is someone coming to pick you up?", "yeah, my mom will be here in a while... we live about 15 minutes from here... she should be here soon." "well, hey... why dont i wait here with you untill she gets here? " he seemed a little nervouse, sort of twiddling with his cell phone and looking down at the ground. "alright. thats awesome." said the girl. the young mans face perked up and he grinned.

the guy popped the tailgate to his truck open and they sat there and talked untill the girls mother arived to rescue. "well um... thank you so much..." the girl said. the boy reached up to rub the back of his neck again and looked down to the ground "yeah, no problem..." he looked up quickly at the girl. "umm... well... see ya around sometime?" the girl said. "yeah, sure... hey, drive safe..." the boy waved a bit at the girls mom and turned around and began walking back to his truck. the girl slowly sat down in the passenger seat of her moms car and looked up at the young man climbing up into his truck. suddenly she jumped up from her seat and quickly walked over to the truck. "hey, wait..." the boy looked at her, his face lit up, "maybe you could follow us home and join us for dinner? if your not doing anything else..." the young man smiled brightly at her and said, "yeah... yeah... that would be awesome..."
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thats a true stroy. i thought i might as well have an adventure as long as everyone else seems to be having adventures. it was all true. all right up untill the good looking young man drove up to the rescue in his pick-up truck. that part i only wished happened. i even prayed to God that something like that would happen... i mean, shoot... as long as im stuck out on the side of the free-way i might as well pray for something... i really did also pray for safety though. really, i did. God answered one of my prayers at least, becuase i was kept safe.

dad says (after he drove it home for me at about 10-5 miles per hour ) that something is wrong with the computer and its messing with the transmission. idiot car.

oh well... God is still good... i have a job interview on wednesday or thursday, so whatever happens, happens. i still havnt eaten today and i have loads of homework...

peace...

this morning i wanted to cry. i studied my brains out for a damn quiz (sorry, im upset) and when i got to school, i found out that the quiz was for another chapter. one that i handt even read yet. i thought i was so prepaired, sitting there with my stupid blue scantron and #2 pencil, study guide on my desk... all ready to take the quiz...

i was so frustrated, i really wanted to cry. i felt really lonely when i got out of class. i just wondered around aimlessly for the next 30 minutes untill math class.

however, i did happen to wonder into the art gallery where i saw a handsome guy... he smiled at me, but there was no conversation. he really was handsome though...

so, i came right home after math class. worked in my garden, played with my nephews, excersized (two and a half miles) and now im working on a job resume. its all good...

she had made up her mind... she was going home. the girl could not help but smile the whole 20 minute drive home. she always loved driving out of town into the country and to her home. she felt free as she had her hand out the window, flying it through the wind that whipped around her arm. it was a beautiful day and she was going home...

i really decited to drop my late class. it was added stress that i didnt need. i will not become a slave to school and the stress that it causes.

im so blessed to be able to live in the country. i worked in my garden again yesterday, hauling more dirt and manure. clearing out beds so i could plant more flowers and whatever. i had to beat the chicken again. i threw dirt on him and threatend to beat the hell out of him.

when i was walking through the orange orchards i saw a bike that someone dumped out there, a jack rabbit, a giant 7-11 cup someone left out there and a morning glory plant growing by a newly planted tree. dragonflies were buzzin above me and there was a nice breeze. it was lovely.

i hope you all have a good weekend. peace...

so, wednesday huh? today is my LONG day at school... class from 9 - 12 , 4 hours brake and then class again from 4 - 7ish. i kind of want to drop my later class, but i sort of dont think i should becuase then i would have no reason to stay at school and utilize those 4 hours to get my massive amounts if homework done or excersize at the track in the evenings... i would go home and watch tv. so, i guess i'll keep the late class... at least untill october, when i can drop it.

yesterday after talking to a friend of mine, i spent the afternoon shoveling manure, and i liked it... i pulled weeds and then hauled four wheel barrle fulls of manure and dirt into my bare flower beds. i love getting my flower beds ready to plant in, i love having my hands in the earth, and making something out of nothing... a chicken decited to try to show me whos boss while i was out there working my brains out... he attacked me so i had no choice but to hit him with the shovel. several times, in fact. later, he decited to give it another shot ( he must have forgotten how badly i clobbered him before ) so once again, i had no other choice than to beat him silly.

yesterday i sighed when i saw the guy who looked like mark thomas after class got out... he was talking on a cell phone walking down the hall... cell phones are a major turn off to me. MAJOR. but, like my sister said, maybe he was talking to his mom? heh...

laurel & lacey are cool.

peace...

the only athlete i have ever had a crush on...

tomorrow morning is the last morning i will be joining the presbyterian church for sunday morning worship (at least for a while). judy asked me if i would be willing to stand up in front of the congregation and share some of the things i have learned over my summer of serving in ministry there, at the church. this past week as ive been slowly stroling around the c.o.s. campus between classes and on the long drives into and home from town, i have been reflecting a lot on the past summer and the things ive learned... ive come up with quite a list, a few of them will be shared tomorrow morning... these are in no particular order...

this summer i have learned...

i learned how to play g chord, c chord and d chord...
i learned how to spend a week and half on the road with a limited budget
i learned that no matter where you go, it is possible to find beauty around you somewhere
i learned that california *really* is a extremely beautiful state
i learned that california *really* is a much higher class of living than some (maybe most) of the other states
i learned about the fragility of friendship
i learned that things change, even if it seems as though they may not ever change, they do and thats not always a bad thing
i learned more about the value of friendship
i learned that shasta daisy, hollycock, canterbury bells and snapdragons will grow here in the winter
i learned that where i live is a gardening zone "z"
i learned that people only hear what they want to hear, and even if you speak the truth in love, it can be inturpreted as hatefulness and arrogance
i learned that others peoples advice or words or constructive critisism can only be applied if you are ready and willing to change, if your heart is opened up enough, or else defenses go up and worlds collide

mostly though, i learned about freedom...
i learned that freedom is learning to give up the broken heart that you have been dragging around for the past few years...
i learned that freedom is being able to shut your eyes and step out of your comfort zone, trusting that Jesus is holding your hand and ready to catch you if you should start to fall...
i learned that freedom is learning to love others as Jesus loves them... aboloshing the "stereo-types" and labels that we tend to brand other people with and simply seeing them as Jesus children, who he knows and loves and has a special plan for...
i learned that freedom is not worrying about tomorrow, its being in love with the un-known becuase you know that Jesus is taking care of it all...

God is good, faithful and beautiful... this summer has been awesome... peace.

i think that there is something more than this...

so, school is going well... ive done more math in the past two days than i have done in the past four years, im sure. my history instructor looks like mr. bean. there is a guy in one of my classes who looks like mark thomas and my art instructor is east indian and talks with a heavy accent. yesterday we spent three hours learning the basiscs of a mac computer. "fancy", he says... yeah right. more like hella boring.

i had a comfortable dream last night... the kind that makes you curl up in a ball under your quilt and feel all cozy... the kind that you just know is real, but at the same time, you dont ever want it to end becuase you also know it is not real...

oh well.

she had finally found a place to park. of course it was three blocks away from school, but the girl wouldnt let that ruin her first day of school. after 2 1/2 years of working, she had taken the big step of going back to school. mixed feelings of nervousness and excitment of the unknown spun around in her head as she proceded to walk down to the school. God has taken care of her so far, surly he was walking with her at that moment too...

the first day of school was alright. mostly just sylable stuff to get out of the way. i bought a 76.00 math book and was sort of wondering how in the world i was going to be able to afford all of this... and then i found out that i got my tuition waved, saving me a few hundred bucks. God is good & faithful.

im glad to be home now... drinking water... watching the olympics... looking forward to tomorrow and the new things i have to learn...

and i said hello to a lady sitting at the bus stop waiting for her bus to come...

and im off... to the mountains again...

suprises in life can be exhilarating but suprises in planned schemes can terrify.

live for today, trust God with the un-known... peace.

i opened the curtains, switched on the lava lamp, ive got the soothing sounds of crosby stills & nash going in the background... i feel good... i feel creative...

its already 107 degrees outside.

i bought some paper today at the wal*mart... i need to find my old binder and get ready for school on monday... meaning i have to find out my schedule also... i have no idea whats going on.

tomorrow afternoon we are headed up to mineral king for the end of summer high school retreat. it should be awesome. im really looking forward to being up in the mountains again, anyway.

i began cleaning up my flower beds last night... i ordered seeds for some flowers that *should* grow here in the winter.

the ankle brace is back... the tips of my fingers burn... i ache.

feelings impatient is wasted energy. learn to understand the reason for the delay and relax - anger wont speed things along.

peace.

so frustrating...

where are you? its been too long... i hope you are well. i miss you.

just thought i would check again.

this morning, i took a deep breath and put my application into the mail box... i put the red flag up, turned around and walked back inside the house... Lord, do your will...

we sat outside on the patio on the dark last night gazing across the street at the neighbors house... it was late, probably about 11:30, and the party was still in full swing. mom had called the sheriffs department and suposidly several other people in the neighborhood had called them as well. the sheriff showed up, but from what i understand they couldnt really do anything about the drinking, loud music and yelling becuase when they left the party went on for another 45 minutes or so. at the end, after most everyone had finally left, one of the guys over there began to anounce on his microphone system how much he hates his mother f'ing neighbors and yelling obsenities about cops and the neighbors. it was quite a show.

youth group was good last night... i love my kids.

today i was sheduled to have high school bible study at the church at 2:00. earlier i called all my high schoolers to remind them, at about 1:30 or so, i drove on over to the church. i went in, upstairs to the high school room and set my stuff down on one of the couches. upstairs smelled really bad... like something was dead somewhere... it reminded me of my grandmas house when she never cleaned out the bird cages and she had cats living inside who always messed on the floor... i strolled down to the kitchen and filled my water bottle and then i checked the youth mail box in the office just out of curiosity. locking the office back up, i went back upstairs and turned on the air conditioning so it would be nice and cool when people arived for bible study. i grabbed my little black journal and a pen from my bag and went and sat down on the edge of the stairs, upstairs. as i was writing in my book i noticed that the air conditioning was humming through the vents and i could hear the clicking of the timer on the wall slightly above me. i went on writing in my book. i had left the downstairs door open and outside i could hear the wind rustling through the leaves of a tree, but i also thought i heard other sounds... shuffling sounds, like someone was down there. i went down and looked around but saw no one, so i took my place again upstairs on the edge of the stair. i could still hear the deep hum of the air conditioner above me, but i also heard a distint rustling sound and my heart skipped a beat... this time i knew it wasnt my imagingation... i looked above me and wondered if there were rats or mice running around up there, but then in the window, i saw a fly bumping and buzzing against the window. i sighed and began writing again when i thought i heard a noice outside again, so getting up i walked back down the stairs towards the door, but as i got to the door something caught my attention in the doorway of the basement and i looked down there. there was a light on that i dont remember being on when i first got there earlier. i stepped outside and collected myself and went back in and ventured downstairs. all was still and quiet... there was no one. quickly i turned off the light and went outside. the air was sweet and cool outside, and after gathering my thoughts i decited that i did not want to be in the church alone anymore, so quicly i rushed upstairs again to the high school room, collected my things, turned off the air conditioning and went back downstairs. i locked the door and colapsted on the grass by the tree in the courtyard where i stayed, wiriting in my book, untill one of my high schoolers arived. sitting outside on the grass was way more apealing to me then, than going back inside so we ended up sitting out there for the next hour and half just talking since he was the only one who showed up for bible study anyway.

so, i scared myself to death. ive been alone in that church millions of times, during the day and at night in the dark, but never as frightened as i was today. silly imagination.

it was really nice to sit outside on the grass with michael though. just chillin... i didnt even end up doing the bible study i had planned, we just talked about stuff. that was awesome.

i made dinner tonight... i sauted some of our home grown bell peppers with a red onion, olive oil and garlic pepper then i put them on bread with tomatos and a little bit of cheddar cheese and put them in the oven for a little while to melt the cheese... served with sun chips and milk... delicious.

also, i fixed all the art up on my art page and i added some new art... check it...


today was beautiful... peace...

my car passed smog. its all good...

i drove home through the country today, rather than on the freeway... i drove about 45 mph... taking your time is a lovely thing... wave at people working in their front yards and farmers you pass driving tractors. its nice.

i dont understand it when people say, "i would love to take it easy, but im just too busy..."

peace... its a beautiful day.

this morning i was randomly looking around for something in a pile of papers on a kitchen counter, and i found my dmv registration renewal notice that i have been expecting for the past few weeks. of course the post mark was marked for a few weeks ago, and of course registration fee's are due on the 10th and of course no one bothered to put this very important envelope adressed to me right on my desk when they brought the mail in. wonderful. $58.00 to register my car plus whatever its going to take to smog it as well. and i have to have it done before the 10th or there will be late fee's as usual. i guess i shouldnt really feel too miffed about this seeing as though ive been gone for the past two weeks, so even if the envelope was placed on my desk as it should have been, i would not be here to do anything about the contents of importance that were inside... wait... never mind. the post mark was actually marked for june 2nd, meaning that its been on that counter for two months... juuust wonderful... now im in a un-necisary race against time involving money matters... great...

frustrating...

oh well. i wont let that take me away from focusing on the beauty of the day. its lovely today...

the imortal words of bob marley just popped into my head...

"Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birdsPitch by my doorstepSingin' sweet songsOf melodies pure and true,Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

see? its all good... peace.

Hebrews 12:11... No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. amen.

yesterday i went into town with my mom and brother and sisters just to do some errands. today im going to be home. i would like to spend some time in my room... picking up and sitting at my desk for a while. i have bills to get ready to mail and ive been reading a neat book called Jesus the son of Man written by kalhil gibran. its a compelation written by him of encounters different people had with Jesus when he walked the earth. some biblical, some he made up. its sort of neat though... it makes the old bible stories that we have heard since we were 3 come alive... anyway, i would like to do some reading. im also inspired to work on another art piece and get the art page here up and running. also, im going to write juanita a letter. there is a lot of clean up work that needs to be done out back in my flower beds, hopefully i can start that right quick... yesterday i bought two amazing movies at blockbuster. the last samuri and master and commander, for 20.00 on dvd. beautiful movies. my sisters want to watch those with me. lots to do, but its stuff that i love to do. just chillin at home with my family where its nice and peacful...

and so im back. from camp. it was a really amazing week, with God breaking down and then healing hearts back up again. now im chillin here with my coffee, thinking back to camp... listening to a rooster crow outside and the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard as i type & the black cat is over there on the bed giving herself a bath. its good to be home.

the crest view staff was awesome this year. ive been volunteering up there since '96 and they were the best staff ive ever seen, i think... open, honest and real... thank you.

i had weird dreams at camp. i think they came as a result of the tylonol PM. one night i dreamed that kurt cobain was my brother. he wasnt dead, he lived in the same house as me. he had this awesome bedroom that was like a garage converted into a room, so it was awesome. kurt was sort of a partier and he hadnt been home for about a week, so we were all wondering where the heck he was. one day i hear a knock on the door. it was open, but the screen door was shut. i hear a knock and then i hear a guy saying in a drunken voice, "where the hell is kurt? where is that guy? hellooooo? " i look over and dave grohl in standing out there. i said, "oh hey dave. come on in." becuase he was a family friend. you know, him and kurt were buddys. dave stumbled in and sat on the couch and i sat next to him and he was going on about kurt. and then he looked at me and he told me that kurt wasnt really my brother and that he had joined the navy. i was devestated becuase i always thought kurt was my brother and how could he just run off and join the navy like that? dave sat back on the couch and sighed. the last thing i remember was turning my head and looking at him and saying, "how are you dave?".

i also dreamed that i was spider man. i was running around in the orchards where i used to live and i had to save matt fabrizio (he was the lead counselar for the week, cool guy) from something or the other. as i was saving him we were speeding around the orchard together in a little cardboard go cart. after i saved him (i pushed him over a fence to safety) he changed back to how he used to look way back in the day (you see, right now he has this whole "stoner" look going on... dread lock, bob marley shirts, the whole get-up... after i saved him he went back to wearing bright blue hurley shirts and matching blue baseball caps...). after i saved him we hung out for a while in the orchard on the other side of the fence, the safe side of the fence. then i had to go back to save my family. i swept back to the giant house, but just as i was aproaching it, in the distance i heard yelling anf shouting. i stopped and looked at the house and saw men wearing black shouting at my family. then i saw them shoot my family and all the servants. i dropped down to the ground and my head and world were spinning all around me. then i woke up.

cRaZy.

sammy, the photo that you have on your xanga site right now is just awful. it made me cry. i miss you, i wanted to see you guys, but oh well. i hope you are having a lovely time here in california.

peace...