i feel really sick....... like, God really gave me a kick in the butt........ i wonder what i did. i wonder if its something i didnt do. i wonder if i can change anything to make it different. i wonder what He's doing with me..... and how long will it take for something good to happen......

im really, very tired i think. three head aches today.

this is what i feel like: i feel like going somewhere far, far away. like, a ugly little island somewhere where there is no one else. when i get there, i would go out in the how sun in the middle of some big ugly field and then i would just melt away into almost nothing. that way i wouldnt have any problems and no one would bother me anymore. there would be nothing there to upset me or make me stress or worry. there would be nothing there to care about, so nothing would be bothering me.

this is another way to describe how i feel: i feel like there is this big, huge black room. and it has no windows or doors. there is no light in there. and somehow i got placed right in the middle of the room. i know how to get out, but i need help. and that help is not coming. its like, i *KNOW* what to do, and i *KNOW* what to expect, but i need help from someone and im not getting it.......

i feel like crap.

Well April, I don't know if you administrated me or not. But whatever the case, it's working now. Hey everyone, have a random site you really should check out. If you wanna check out some of the absolute coolest sites on the web. Go to Silver Spheres.com and check out their gold award winners sites. They're absolutely some of the hands down best sites in the industry of web design. I gotta go to bed now. Talk to you guys later...-Zay out

Hey, this is Zay...April, you need to administrate me I think. That way I can upload my own blogs...thanks...-Zay out

i just got the stupidest phone call ever. here it is......

me: "hello?"
*music and stuff in the background*
the guy: "hello?"
me: "HELLO??"
the guy: "hi, is mr. henderson there?"
me" "can i ask who's calling?"
the guy: "this is jeremy."
me: "he;s not available right now. can i take a message?"
the guy: "is this mrs. henderson?"
me: "no, this is their daughter, april."
the guy: "their daughter? how old are you?"
me: "well listen, this is jeremy from *where*?"
the guy: "jeremy from a far away town........"
me: "well you know what jeremy?"
the guy: "what?"
me: "i dont really want to talk to you any more."
the guy: "well you know what?"

then i hung up. i mean, give me a break! who does that guy think he is asking me how old i am and not telling me who he is. what a jerk. if i ever talk to him again he is really going to get it....... big time..........

im going to go watch a movie or soemthing to calm my nerves.........

i just had a little talk with God. God is really funny to me. He just says funny things and sets things up in funny ways sometimes.... sometimes i wonder what he is thinking.....sometimes i wonder why he chose me to do what im doing and to be where im at in life right now..... its all good i think though.

so far my job as youth intern is pretty good..... i have been a little stressed out, but between God, joel and judi, its all good.

im starting a yoga program in the morning. heres my *new* morning shedule.....

(1) wake up @ 7:30
(2) have some coffee or watch tv or just sit there or read my bible
(3) do yoga and other workouts for 30 minutes
(4) get dressed
(5) eat breakfast if i have time and if i feel like it
(6) go to work and be there @ 9:00

that means i only have an hour and a half to do all that..... i tried an hour this morning and it just didnt work out all that great. so im giving myself another half an hour. between my dad and joel, i should do pretty good..... they are keeping me in check. good thing i have so many people to keep me in check. i dont know what i would do if i didnt have anyone to keep me in check. i would probably just sit there all day watching tv or sleeping or something stupid. beats me.

thats all.

"I don't need nobody
I don't need the weight of words
To crash on thru
I don't need nobody
I just need to learn the depth or doubt
Of faith to fall into

your all i need
when the water runs deep
yeah, your all i need
now i cry myself to sleep......"
~collective soul "needs"

wOw..... sometimes i wonder about stuff.....

geeze...... painting houses is hard work..... the last two days i have been over there paingting this large house for my cousin. its been fun though..... especially the day that i threw paint all over my littler brother. he got all mad at me. hahaha

the song for the day is "wonderwall" by oasis......

".....there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how........ i said maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me and after all, your my wonderwall...."

sometimes you just feel sort of lonely..... i dont think its wrong to feel lonely.... sometimes you just feel lonely.....

the sunset was *awesome* tonight. it was all purple and yellow and there were clouds over there and stuff..... im in this really passive mood right now..... anything could happen.....

isaiah said im loosing track of my blogger. yesterday i didnt update because joel was here all day after church and we were hanging out and stuff. joel taught me how to drive his stick shift car. well, he started anyway..... im sure there is still a whole heck of a lot to learn. but we have time. i think i did pretty good..... it was fun anyway.....we drove aound to where i grew up and went back to the river where i used to swim and stuff. its pretty weird being around there since i havnt been for so long. it was cool though. we are all going to go down there sometime soon and go swimming.

next week my sister heather and my brother woody and isaiah and some other friends of ours are going to Calvin Crest to CCA family camp. im actually just a tiny bit jealous becuase im going to miss being up there with them. its good times. joel and i are going to go up there and visit them though and stay for camp fire if joels mom will let us use the car.............

blogger is a funny word. i wonder who came up with that word anyway. weird.

the song for the day is called "im not the one" by collective soul

NOT THE ONE:
"I waltzed around you
Seven times
Only to become
A melody you never sang
I'm not the one
Oh I'm not the one

Clouds of thought you
Filter through
Never to reason
While patiently your world
Still bleeds
Who shall be the one?
Oh I'm not the one"

hrm........ sometimes some things just really need to be said outloud and when they are said you think of more things to say, but the person you were talking to left and when you see that person again, you have lost your nerve.

heavy.

wOw...... tomorrow is the first official day of work for joel and i as summer youth interns. april and joel "YOUTH INTERNS" . greg is a lab aid and he has a name tag that says "LAB AID" on it.... i wonder if joel and i could get name tags that say "INTERN". i guess that would be asking for it though..... i always think of asok, the intern from dilbert.... poor guy..... hehehe.....

we *do* have an office though..... its upsatirs and has some windows that over look the court yard of the church..... its pretty sweet..... thats where we get to do all of our office-type work.... like making phone calls and planning stuff and making calendars. hrm..... should be a lot of fun..... i think God is really going to use us big time this summer. yeP.

today was a pretty good day. God is cool.

i really like posted by april at 2:29 PM 0 Comments

give me a break........ three nights in a row........ last night i watched "wonder boys". whats up with all the stupid movies all of a sudden? i guess they were always around, but i havnt been watching them untill now.... sheesh.........

yesterday i was running and i got a *really* bad cramp in my stomach. thats what i get for running so soon after i ate i guess.... i think though, that God gave me a cramp so i would slow down enough to talk to him becuase after i got the cramp, i walked for a long time and had a long talk with God about some stuff that i sort of needed to talk to Him about. God cracks me up. sometimes, when i havnt talked to him seriously for a few days, he reminds me that i need to talk to him in the funniest ways........ like getting a stomach cramp for instance. geeze. sometimes i wonder what exactly He is thinking....... i was thinking about that the other day and i just started laughing.....

i complain a lot about stupid stuff. i really have no right.

wow...... that was random......

Thursday, June 07, 2001

last night i watched another dumb movie called "silver bullet". suposibly it was really good back in the 80's when it first came out. for a stephen king movie, i thought it was pretty lame though. im getting sort of tired of watching lame movies..... maybe its time to take a break from movies........here is the list of movies i currently want to see..... after i watch them i am going to not watch movies for a month (joel, hold me to that).....

1) wonder boys
2) fight club
3) the contender

only three of them and i already have them all. after i watch them, im not going to watch movies again for a month........ im going to focus on my job and stuff like that......... maybe it will be good for me......... maybe God will use it............ maybe....... sabin will probably think thats a dumb idea........ i just wont tell sabin.

my song for the day is called "elderly woman standing behind a counter in a small town" by pearl jam. i really like the lyrics..... i think i am going to draw a piece after it...... this is probably going to be years from now.....

"I seem to recognize your face.
Haunting familiar, yet I can't seem to place it.
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name.
Lifetimes are catching up with me.
All these changes taking place.
I wish I'd seen the place but no one's ever taken me.

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.

I swear I recognize your breath.
Memories, like fingerprints, are slowly raising.
Me you wouldn't recall for I'm not my former.
It's hard when your stuck upon the shelf.
I changed by not changing at all.
Small town predicts my fate.
Perhaps that's what no one wants to see.
I just want to scream, "Hello."
My god its been so long. Never dreamed you'd return.
But now here you are and here I am.
Hearts and thoughts they fade away.

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.
Hearts and thoughts they fade away. Yeah.
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.
Hearts and thoughts they fade..." ~pearl jam

Wednesday, June 06, 2001

i just got back from a run. 3 quarters of a mile today........ becuase it was just too hot out there and my legs were getting all itchy. ick. i think tomorrow i will watch the sun set..... its been a few weeks......

i still feel sort of sick.

last night i wacthed a stupid movie called "dream a little dream". i guess it was sort of entertaining, but it was dumb. dont ever watch it. ever.

i am sitting here listening to this song by caedmons call called "me" over and over again. its a good song. its just about normal stuff and things a normal person might think about. sort of sappy..... but its good stuff..... sometimes its ok to be sappy i think..... sometimes......

i think i feel sick. blah.

"lately i've been thinking about pretty strange things
more than i'll admit
like the exact moment that milk goes bad
and even then isn't it good for something
but not as much about why bad things happen to good folks
and age old questions
but more about why good things happen at all
and why i don't notice them" ~from the song "me" by caedmons call

Tuesday, June 05, 2001

isaiahhhhh!!!!! it *WORKS* woooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo!
after endless, long hours of thought and wonder, i *finally* got the blogger to work how i wanted it to. thanks so much to stefan jaeger, who sent me an e-mail to help me out. that guy rocks. check out his web site...... http://www.mindwork.net/selection.htm .(thats thanks for his help with my silly blogger........) its also just a cool web site. nice layout and design.........

wooooo hoooo!

i hope this doesnt screw up now.....