so, i guess i live in the snow now... i can tell by the way that it is snowing outside of my bedroom window...

umm... ok...

its funny how the events and thoughts of yesterday are today like blur, strange and almost foriegn...

merry christmas... peace & be well...

i had disturbing dreams last night causing me to wake up in instant deep thoughts this morning...

one of the first things that crossed my mind is that sometimes i wear a mask... a phasod of april... seemily passive about certain things when really, inside my heart i have tons to say about it... but where are the words? spoken words frustrate me and dont come easily. they seem to stay stuck in a silent world somewhere, bumping around softly, sometimes violently, inside my head (or stomach) and every so often being released through writing or a drawing of some sort, my art.

but i also woke up thinking of friends... who are my friends? who are the people who ask me how i am doing, and really honestly want to know... do i know anyone, besides my family, who if i should happen to reply to their question of "how are you?" with "im not doing too good..." would persue that statement and care why i am not doing too good... there arent too many people out there who are honestly caring enought to listen through another persons problem, even a friends problem.

what are people so wrapped up in, that they forget about other people? am i caught up in that too? i like to think that im not... i like to think that i am genuine and that i really do care about peoples, especially my friends, heart conditions... if someone is not doing well one day, tell me and i would love to find out why and see if i can help in any way. sometimes all someone needs is someone to listen to them talk.

one guy i know old me yesterday that he has to work on christmas... but thats ok with him becuase he is always trying to look for ways to dodge family events anyway. he told me that he would tell me about it sometime and i really want to know. what is going on in his heart?

i care about other peoples hearts...

and then there is synergy... there are a handful of people who i know that i have synergy with... those people are the people (besides my family) that i am the most comnfortable around. i dont even know that much about them personally, and im sure they know even less about me personally, but just to sit with them is good. they are the people who i dont feel forced to be friends with. its natural and free. and there are only a couple of them. somtimes i wonder why we are friends and it all comes down to the synergy between us. we will always be able to have good conversations about art, music, the mountains and life in our small town.

i wouldnt even know where to begin telling these things outloud, although i would like to be able to. but i dont know how. how? how do you say things to people unless they ask? if they dont ask, then they probably dont care and i wouldnt want to waste their time by telling them anyway.

i think thats all i have to say. the words are not presented quite as poetic as they are in my head, but they will do, because at least they are there where you can read them if you care enough too.

so, now im off to be cozy for a while... sipping my green tea and waiting for my clothes to dry so they will be warm when i put them on... i have to work later. my last day... i will be back though...

peace & be well... and merry christmas.

new links added when i up-dated the look of this page...

operation uplink
easel heads
amnesty international
ad busters
happy hippie

i love it when i wake up at 2:30 a.m. and cant get back to sleep untill somewhere around 4:00.

i love this book...

" zygote isnt a bad word, but its far from perfect. on the one hand, i love the words origin - the greek word for 'joining together.' that feels right o me becuase thats about what has occured. an egg and a sperm have joined together, and they're on this cool little pilgrimage to the uterus.

on the other hand, i dont like the way the word sounds when you say it outloud: zygote! it always sounds like it needs an exlamation point. it always sounds like a curse from some mad scientist. zygote! the breaker is cracked! zygote! theres radium all over the lab!" ~ from the notebooks of sibyl danforth, midwife

cool little pilgrimage... hah... it is pretty cool...

i cleaned out my car today extremely well and now im going to go have a beer with patrick...

im reading the book midwives...

"the books say conception occures when a sperm pentrates a female egg, and they all use that word - penetration. every single one of them! its as if life begins as a battle: "lets storm the egg!" or, maybe as an infiltration of spies or saboteurs: "we'll sneak up on the egg, and then we'll crawl in through the kitchen window when seh's asleep!" i just dont get it, i dont see why they always have to say penetrate. whats wrong with meet, or merge, or just groove together?" ~from the notebooks of Sibyl Danforth, midwife.

i like "groove together"... what an awesome way to begin life... groovin...

so of course i set off the alarm at the church. and of course certain numbers on the phone in the office wouldnt work, so i couldnt call anyone and of course i didnt know how to shut off the alarm after the alarm company called and i told them it was all good. heh...

but the fact that i saw that guy who i met one day at the cross walk today in the mall makes up for the whole alarm setting off incident... whoo... that guy is cute...

last night i dreamed that i got 100% on a test... thats an A... it doesnt matter what test... it was an A...

my usual freedom is winding down, making way for a different kind of freedom... a sort of captive freedom far from here... and the aprehension comes and goes... butterflys in my stomach to a sweet, familiar apathy where nothing matters...

today i drew an uncoventional picture of Jesus, ate pizza, watched full house and drank some water. the sun burned off the fog for a while, but the greyness is back again, blocking out the sun and preventing the coldness from being realeased from the earth. brrr... its cold.

whoo. what a day.

i had an encouraging conversation with my friend mike who lived up around oakhurst for about 8 months working at a camp... i guess similar to what im going to be doing, except he spent his off times smoking a lot of weed and taking walks around the woods... i'll probably take a lot of walks, but unfortunatly wont be smoking any weed... just reading and working on my art... still though, he was very encouraging to me. he informed me though, that there is a pretty cool hippie community up there and a few cool places in oakhurst to loiter...

im encouraged... i have a headache... i should go to bed...

peace.

today was beautiful... after spending hours loitering, patrick and i gave blood ... our next date to build up our good karma is some time in february...

after giving blood, i came home and made an awesome miso soup with angel hair pasta and fresh spinach...

no school tomorrow... i think i'll watch the royal tennenbaums tonight.

give blood. only 5% of the central california population give blood. its a good thing... and like i said before... karma...

peace...

last night i dreamed that one of the guys who i hang out with sometimes downtown, an awesome artist and an encouragment to me in my art, really *really* liked me... but i didnt find out how much untill i read about it on his blog. only, his blog wasnt a computer blog... it was written on a bag of loose leafe spinach that i just happened to buy at the grocery store one evening...

so, i have this annoyance towards people who constantly have to have other people holding their hands... not literally, but metaphoricly... like, they always have to have other people doing things for them becuase they cant do it themselves... but the thing is... its not really the fact that they cant do anything for themselves, its the ones that deny it who really bug me... its ok if you just admitt that you need help, but when you get all defensive and deny it (lie about it) that really bugs.

Jesus, help me to be more tolerant...

sunday was a day filled with heart warming experiences... first of all, i had an awesome conversation with a girl who i pre-judged wrongly, just becuase i knew her years ago and she tried to trip up a christian friend of mine... she has changed and her heart for God is huge now... she is getting married in just a couple of weeks (she is only 19, bless her heart...) and she was telling me about her engagment and what she belives about marriage and pre-marriage... and her maturaty was astounding. the part that blew me away was how she met her fiance because he was her brothers best friend... but before he began to date her or marry her, he went and asked for her fathers permission and her brothers permission... how awesome is that? God wants to build up families and relationships by marriage, and this girl and her finace are being obediant to Gods will and word... he will really bless them in a big way... im excited for her...

the second heart warmer on sunday was going to youth group for the first time in months... having to work super early sunday mornings, im usually pretty exauhsted on sunday nights, so i just stay home and watch extreme makeover home edition and go to bed... but i really wanted to see the kids before i left... and im so glad i did... i love those kids so much and they are such a blessing to me... they have been my life up untill august when i started going to school and working so much... i think i had forgotten that. i dont know how i could have though... how could i have forgotten that? i miss them... i cant wait untill snow-go when they will be up at camp... i cant wait to see them again...

i have some more shopping to do... not christmas presents, things that i need like deoderant. i also have three bags to drop off at the goodwill donation center... we will probably go give blood tomorrow... i keep coming across money that i didnt know i had... this is an awesome week...

peace...

we're just a pair of tumbling dice, and the outcome of this crap shoot is hard to see...

yikes.

i hooked my scanner back up today and scanned a few pieces ive been working on...


"blackbird" inspired by the beatles song of the same name...


the lotus flower blooms most beautifly from the thickest mud...


mahatma gandhi... "An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind."

i completly ditched school today...

i finished traffic school today and actually learned stuff about driving...

i drew for a few hours...

watched "the big chill"...

last night was my staff christmas party... we ate a local italian resteraunt... the water glasses smelled like cigerettes and sulfer, the meal wasnt that good... but i got a $20.00 gift certificate to the head shop...

so i guess i have to be at work at 6:30 tomorrow morning to make 40 sandwiches...

and now, trading spouses...

i do believe in negative and possitive energy.

there are things that i really *should* be doing right now... things that any other person probably would have already had done by now...

im failing my history class with a D... i have an extra credit asignment due tomorrow that would make it possible for me to pass with a C (probably a low C), but i havnt done it yet, and in all honesty, probably wont do it. i havnt filled out my study guide for the quiz tomorrow, meaning i will probably fail the quiz, becuase i really probably wont end up filling it out before the quiz tomorrow morning...

i did, however, complete my health and wellness extra credit and its not even due untill friday...

i should really finish off my traffic school... im 49% complete and its easy enought to do, since im taking it on-line. i need to get it done before i move so it will all be processed on time, before february when the certificate is due to the courthouse... ah well...

so many things to do...

i honestly dont care though.

what does it matter if i fail my history class? who cares, really? who does it matter to except for myself and if i dont care, then whats the point? i havnt even checked my grades in my other class all sememeter, but really, who cares if i fail it again? whos expectations am i trying to live up to? do you care? why would you? school works for some people... i feel like its just another institution designed to cage us and tell us what we have to do to be somebody someday... if we ever want to succeed (sp?) in life, we have to complete just the right courses in tjust the right amount of time in order to move on to the next school to dedicate the next four years of your life to completing just the right courses so that your life can amount to something. its a cage. its a trap... but its tricky becuase its a phycological trap...

im not buying it.

life can amount to something, degree or no degree...

i just want to be free...

i love sitting here, in my room... green tea and ginger candle buring, bob dylan playing softly from the speakers... the sun shinning through the slider, saturating my lucky bamboo and bonsai umbrella plant... ocassionaly i can smell patchouli... my art works are spread around me and in front of me, begging to be worked on and more thoughts and ideas are swimming in my head... my text books are collecting dust and the post card i have tacked up on the bulliten board says i can sell them back as soon as thrusday, december 13...

i love juanitas newest revelations that she told me about on the phone the other day... i miss juanita...

i love the velvet underground... and jefferson airplane and crasby stills and nash...

i love the heart mobil that sammy made me out of solored contstruction paper and sent me for valentines last year... its been hanging in my room since...

there is more to life than getting a degree and being trapped in school. who is making the rules that you follow?

i love life... i love being free... i love driving with my hand out the window through the country by myself...

i hope you all are well...

peace...

28 more days...