so, it'll be two years as of tomorrow. on this special ocassion, i would like to take a little bit of time to say thank you to a very special friend of mine. thank you for being there for me over the past two years. thanks for calling me to see how things were going. i know you had a busy schedule, but i really apreciate the fact that you took out some time on your days off to get together with me for a few hours just to talk and hang out. it really ment a lot to me the way that you were so honest with me about things anf they way that when you felt like i was pushing at our friendship, you let me know. if it werent for you, then im sure we wouldnt still be friends today.

oh, wait. we arent still friends today and you didnt do any of that stuff. huh... and i had been doing just fine untill you so consideratly sent me that damn letter. it was so good of you to send it. and so soon too! i mean, its not like ive been sitting around for the past two years wondering what the hell happened. noooo, not at all! i apreciate your promptness. wait again, not really, beacuse you werent promtp. or considerate. but im so happy for you that you were able to "free yourself".

they are called guts. get some.

wich brings me to one of the reasons that other christians piss me off. its becuase they lie to eachother. i would expect that kind of thing from a non-christian, but not a christian. not someone who i trusted and considered one of my best friends. not someone who i tried so hard to be good too. im sure ive done it too, but at least i realize it and im working on it. being honest. if im doing something to bother you or push you away or if im pissing you off or whatever, just f'ing tell me so i can work on it or at least know the truth...

the truth may hurt at times, but it hurts even more if you candy coat it and put it off for two f'ing years becuase you have no balls to say whats on your heart.

also, im not going to be calling you or writing you or anything like that. i have almost no trust in you and i really dont want to be around you. maybe not ever again. its really up to you though.

lord, i'm pissed. i want to stab someone and push them down on the ground and walk away.

im going to go watch fright night now alone with the lights off and the curtains open becuase i really dont give a damn.

once again, have a nice life. yes, really.

guess im just too artistic for you.

have a nice life.

im so sick of other christians.

im at a loss of typable words. if you would like an explanation, you are welcome to ask me in person. or you could go on ignoring me as usual. whatever.

im not trying to get you to feel sorry for me. im just speaking what i feel. i don't need you to preach to me. im absolutly secure in my relationship with Christ. im just being honest and i dont belive thats a sin.

im so sick of other christians.

"im going to write you a letter real soon..."
yeah, you go ahead and do that. i'll believe it when i see it... and i should have seen it months ago.

"life 'aint so shitty..."
umm... yes it is.

boyfriends who don't call their girlfriends even when their girlfriends are at home throwing up all frickin day. that pisses me off. especially when that girlfriend is my sister and it happens two days in a row. i would expect more out of a boyfriend than that.

"so now you don't only look deathly ill, you are deathly ill..."
yes. i was. and in some ways i think i still am.

"have fun puking."
i did. i puked 7 times. thats a personal record.

"yeah, but i'll totally call you when i get back..."
o.k.... still havnt gotten that phone call....

so, theres just some random fun stuff excerted from my every day life.

whatever. im leaving.

update on the food poisening situation... its not really food poisening. its just the flu. my brother called and said he and my nephew had been throwing up all day also, and they didnt eat spagetti that night. so, its just a horrible flu bug.

im feeling better though. in total so far, i have thrown up 6 times. im now drinking 7up and am about to try to eat some crackers... havnt had food since late last night when i ate a few cheeze-its. havnt had a nutritious meal since yesterday morning at 11:30ish.

i moved outisde oin the patio. the fresh air is much better than this stale, sickly, air conditioned air. the outside is better, although hot. but its nice and quiet out there, and i have my feet stuck in the little water fountain that mom got for mothers day. feels good. so, back outside i go.

update on the whole food poisening thing... i have thrown up five times. the last time i threw up, i threw up becuase about 20 minutes before i had a couple of sips of apple juice. so, that goes to prove that i cant hold anything down. i cant even hold water down.

ive never gotten food poisening before... mom thinks we all got it becuase of the mushrooms in the spagetti the other night. she cant figure out any other reason why we would all have it. but thats what we had for dinner, and she read hat mushroom food poisening takes a couple of days to set in. we had that for dinner on monday night, and i get sick on wednesday morning... weird...

earlier i was sitting on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet getting ready to throw up and i was looking at the toilet and i decited to clean it to make my throwing up experience all the more the better. so i poured some clorox in the bowl and found some lysol cleaner and cleaned that toilet out. its just so much nicer puking in a newly cleaned toilet. since your face has to be so close to it and all, its just real nice that way.

has anyone else ever gotten food poisening?

so, food poisening... everyone here has it. i have thrown up four times in the past three hours. i havnt thrown up in years and years... the thing that i didnt remember about throwing up is that, you not only throw up from your mouth but you throw up from your nose and eyes as well. tears from your eyes, snot from your nose and throw up from your mouth. your whole face is involved with the process of throwing up. sickening? you dont have to tell me that... im the one who is about to go throw up again... no joke...

as if my life werent complicated enough ( and dont think i didnt throw up just now, becuase i did) , i now get the joy of adding food poisening to the list of lifes little pleasures.

and i think to myself... what a wonderful world...

	this is corys ATF signa drawn on the back window of my van... today travis and i followed some kid driving from the four way stop to lindsey... if you should happen to see some kid driving a dark blue honda civic with a lisence plate cover that says "i would rather be at drum line practice", give him my regards. he is a cool person. and if you *ARE* that kid... hahahahahahaha!

	this is my new self portraite... im wearing my most current favorite outfit... and i have no nose or mouth. im thinking of making a new web page layout including this drawing... im never completly satisfied with my current web page layouts... i kind of like this little drawing... its nice... static... so, yesterday i stayed home from work becaus'n im sick. the day before i had pink eye for a couple of hours. today i blew my nose... i didnt realize i had that much snot up there. one time i sneezed and got snot all over my shirt and pants... i have never done that before. needless to say i was pretty grossed out by myself. also, i finally filed my taxes....

so, i guess the matrix 2 is coming out this friday. i cant wait to not go see it. its so annoying how people are all like, "ooohhhh! im totally going to go see that movie on opening day!" or how they just *have* to see it as soon as it comes out, just becuase its a "good movie". now, im a movie buff, but im also a non-comformist (at least thats what im working towards), so people who act all giddy about movies when they come out piss me off. like i said, i cant wait to not go see that movie. i have teven seen x2 yet and xmen is one of my all time favorite movies. i didnt see the two towers untill about a week before it left theaters. so, all you crazy people who are going to see the matrix 2 this friday, have fun sitting in a crowded theater with all the dumb kids and talking people surrounding you saying how awesome the movie is when you havnt even seen it yet. you are whaked out of your skulls. i'll be enjoying the movie in a nice peacful theatre in about a month or so.

and i just realized that its not so much the heat that i mind, its the sun. you see, its hot today, but its also all grey and cloudy. no sun, and i love it.

pretty much. if you have anything to say to me comment-wise, feel free to use my commenting system. wiether its good or bad wiether you are just saying hello or commenting on how my spelling sucks or even if you are telling me that you hate my guts and list all the reasons why, use it at will. doesnt bother me any. and if it does bother me, i'll just get over it. *shrugs*

juanita & charlie, thanks for visiting me the other day at where i work. it was nice to see both of you. you are awesome peoples.

woody, im glad you are viewing this web page again and leaving comments. you can leave comments on my web site any time. you can also e-mail me any time. and hey, did you download all of lambert?

peace...

	last night my mom and i watched ravenous... thanks to greg who recomended the movie to me, saying it had some tense scenes and scary music and that i would probably like it. i did like it. in fact, i liked it a lot. the plot, the music, the acting, the directing... the whole thing was awesome. i would definatly recomend this movie... not just to anyone though... you have to be a true movie buff to enjoy this film... i mean, a true movie buff. it is pretty nasty... enjoy...

	yeP, i went to the rodeo today... it was pretty fun considering... it was a blessed day becuase usually this time of year its about 203 degrees outside, and you have to sit in the sun at the rodeo... so today it was probably in the 80's at the highest, and there was a lovely breeze blowing around. it was a beautiful day for my first rodeo. i went with corey and nick and it was funny becuase we were all dressed in our "punk rock" clothes and everyone, EVERYONE, EVERYONE else was all decked out in their cowboy get-up. it was awesome... i mean, even the rodeo clown was funny. and he was some famous hollywood stunt rider who suposidly hase done stunts for tom cruis and other actors... whatever. the rodeo was pretty fun though. i would definatly go again next year...

i finally filed my taxes today... im getting a nice little bit back... im going to put it all on my credit card so's that im not a slave to VISA for the rest of my life...

im going to the rodeo this weekend. even if'n i have to go alone, im going... you cant stop me...


STOP
Straight, and to the point. You say what you mean,even if you come off as bitchy. When people don't listen to you, bad things tend to happen.
What's Your Sign? brought to you by Quizilla

... speaking of saying whats on my mind... alls i did was simply state the fact that my dear little sisters dumbass boyfriend treats her like total shit and *I* get bagged on... hmm... hey, im not the one treating my so called "better half" like shit...

also, if he needs defending, let him defend himself. he claims to be a man, let him act like one.

also, i dont need someone to talk to me, i need someone to listen...

me... "is that one girl your girlfriend?"
him... *oddly looks at me, seeming confused* "i don't know..." *pause* "... sort of."
me... "sort of?"
him... "yeah..." *looks at me again confusidly, almost guiltily* whats going through his head?
me... "thats weird..." *sort of looks at hime like hes stupid or something*
him... "yeah... it is weird..." *looks at me as if to say i dont really know whats going on, can you offer some insight?*
*enters two girls wanting to make a purhcase*
me... "i'll talk to you later..."
him..."alright april... bye..." *smile*
me... *walks away*

insight to offer... just stop it. whatever you are doing, stop it and surrender it to God. accept Jesus Christs love for you and bask in it. no number of girlfriends is going to fill the void in your heart, no number of girlfriends is going to make you happy and complete. only Jesus can.

how do you say that to someone you hardly know, but for some reason... i don't know. only God... it has to be a God thing...

on another note, whats up with me??? am i horribly disfigured, or discustingly ugly? do i have a lifeless personality and nothing to offer anyone? when i look in the mirror, am i really seeing myself, or some made up version of myself inside of my head? do i really have hazel eyes, blond hair and pale skin? i know that i could stand to loose a few pounds, but am i really grossly overweight and just not seeing it? am i boring to be around? i mean, what the hell???

damn. that was a rant if ive ever had one. there was a point behind it, but i cant think of the correct words to type it out. yeah.

so, as long as im on a rant, im going to say the following... for a couple of reasons, one of them being im sick of holding it in, another reason being, why the hell not?

today, i saw possibly one of the most stupidest things i have ever seen in my life... this morning my lovely little sisters car broke down. so she gave her dumbass boyfriend a call to come pick her up from work to give her a ride to school. he said yes ( now i know you are thinking... awwwww. what a sweet guy! hes so loving and caring! you can really tell how much he loves your sister! shes so lucky to have him! stop jumping to conclusions. you havnt heard the story yet...) so, we were in a slight lunch rush when her dumbass boyfriend pulls up outside. he didnt just simply pull up, either... he pulled up in his parents huge van, sitting in the passenger seat becuase his mommy was driving. preciouse, huh? just darling, im sure. so, they pull up on the opposite side of the street becuase there were no parking spaces up front to accomodate the ridiculusly (sp?) overside van that his mommy was driving. as i said before, we were in the middle of a lunch rush, so my sisters dumbass boyfriend had a little bit of time before my sister could go out to leave... now is part one of the stupidness... while me and my little sister were hurridly running around inside, going about our business, her dumbass boyfriend, instead of coming inside to say hello and to pick her up and walk her out to the car like any decent boyfriend would do, continues to sit in the car on his skinny rear with his mommy, doing Lord knows what, only proving himself more of an ass than i already knew he was. now for part two of the stupidness... after the lunch rush my lovely little sister gets to leave. so in a hurry she goes outside alone, crosses the street alone (becuase he wouldnt come inside to get her, remember? ) and approaches the van. as she approaches the van, her dumbass boyfriend CONTINUES to sit on his butt in the front passenger seat (remember, his mommy is driving becuase its her van...) as my poor little baby sister climbs up into the back... again i will point out what any decent boyfriend would have done... perhaps my sisters dumbass boyfriend can take notes for future reference... any decent boyfriend would have gotten out of the car and greeted his girlfriend, offereing her the front seat while he climbes into the back. but, as we have just established, my sister just so happens to have a dumbass boyfriend who probably never even thought of the decent, gentlemanly thing to do. thats when they pulled away leaving me inside to think up these thoughts...

now if my sister (my dear, sweet, dillusional, brainwashed sister) was ever to be asked about the following, being the good girlfriend that she is, will probably deny it all, Saying she never thinks of it, or it never really bothered her, or she would simply acusse you of not knowing what you were talking about and she would probably get quite pissed, defending her dumbass boyfriend to the end. And of course, so would he (defend himself, I mean…). Funny how it all looks on the outside looking in… and how those of us who are often times (it happens to everyone from time to time) on the inside, get blinded and wont listen to reason. Funny how that happens…

im going outside now.

	this is the manaquin on my desk doing the safety dance... well anyway, i got the art page working. it looks pretty nice. also, ive been working on the blogger archives. so now, you can have the pleasure of not only reading my current thoughts, but also, if you so choose, you may browse through my past bloggings. what a treat. horray for you. last night we watched Ghost Ship. it was pretty intertaining... i would definatly recommend it... horray for life. ohhh yeah...

hmm... im working on the page today... getting the art all up and running again, fixing some stuff and editing some stuff.

i think i need to apologize for ranting about gays and lesbians the other day. there are a few people downtown that i have been watching and thinking about and honestly, been praying for. they are the kind of people who i really dont like. a couple of the girls im pretty sure are lesbians, and another girl is just weird, lost i think and has very little self-confidence or self-worth... at first i couldnt stand her. i just looked at her like she was gross and had no personality and wasnt very pretty, ect... all the horrible judgment that would go through my head did. so i was sitting in the church parking lot last sunday afterchurch and God put her on my heart, telling me that her sin, and the sin of the others i have had on my heart, isnt any worse than the sin in my own life. i am no more deserving of Jesus's love than they are, and he desires for them to know him just as much as he desires for me to know him. the only difference is that i *do* know Jesus's love and he can use me to reach them, if he so desires. anyway, the point is, it became more real to me, this past week that i am no more deserving of the kingdom of heaven than the "gross" people downtown are.

thank you Lord, for your forgivness...

needless to say, i have been praying pretty fervently for those people downtown... they have really been on my heart all week. thats what i get for hanging out down there. heh...

yeah. the art *should* be running again by the end of the afternoon...

have a blessed day.

its funny the things that happen in your life that lead up to nightmares...

yesterday afternoon we went to see the new movie, Identity... great movie... but of course last night i had a horrible nightmare about being at some dead-end motel and someone killing us all off... only the people who were at this dead end motel were myself and some ofmy high schoolers... namely corey, travis m. and roseanne... being so becuase yesterday before church we went out into the graveyard next to church where there was a new grave dug... cory, travis and i (being the punks that we are) all had to take a turn getting down into the grave. just because. so, in my dream last night, i died. there were other similiarities to the movie in my dream last night also, but if'n i told i would ruin the movie.

weird, eh?

ive always been prone to nightmares & sleepwalking... it wouldnt suprise me if'n i found out i was walking last night too.

ah well. its only a dream, and it makes for a good story when i wake up.

speaking of Identity, i dont know if i ever told ya'll, but The Bourne Identity SUCKED. what a horrible movie, a complete waste of film and time. hmm... what else did i watch... Donnie Brasco, Love Stinks, Red Dragon, Darkness Falls.... Donnie Brasco and Red Dragon were pretty alright movies. Love Stinks was fairly entertaining and Darkness Falls was another waste of film. so, yeah. Greg, as soon as i get some money, i'll go rent Ravenouse. thanks for the suggestion.

have a blessed day...