donnie darko is one of the best little movies ever. it was one of the weirdest movies i have ever seen in my entire life, and ive seen some weird ones. what a truly great movie.
check out the trailor...

loving Jesus is contagious.

God bless today, becuase alone, i would screw it up.

"take my life" by third day
"How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus"

so, today was good. a bit harder than they have been, but still pretty much ok.

last night was an awesome time of hanging out with Jesus. God has been really sweet to me the past couple of weeks. just how he reviels things to me and then is faithful to help me take care of them. its cool. i have a lot of peace, even though i have to do things i dont really want to do. take care of things i would rather just forget about or be apathetic towards. but God wants me to take care of them, so i am. and i have peace about them. thats why i know its God. im good. Jesus is a sweetheart. its good to dance with him.

Mmm showers. its nice to be clean.
Mmm pez. i have 7 packages of pez right here. two of them are grape though. i used to give my grape pez to joel. speaking of joel, we talked on the phone last night for quite a while. it was pretty nice. he invited me to go with him to the mountains on saturday with everyone, but i thought it would be best to not go considering the circumstances. heh. its all good though.

for anyone who cares, please keep me in your prayers.

a tribute to the autistic boy

travis, you are cool.

happy saturday everyone. today im going to work on simply nothing. im going to sit at my desk and probably do a whole lot of nothing. actually, i lied. i'll probably write some letters that i need to write and do a couple of other things. today i will definitly drink a lot of coffee though. a lot. i dont know why. it just seems comfortable for some reason. like a big hug from someone you really love.

Mmm coffee. Mmm someone you really love. Mmm...

hey, good morning.

this week has been great. sure ive had my little problems. the same little problems i have always had. but before they plauged me. now they are just a little bit bothersome. i am trying to just simply love Jesus. i belive that if you love Jesus, then everything else will fall into place afterwards. just love Jesus.

ok... God is awesome. so, God told me to have some "talking-too's" with some people, so i have been doing so. first of all i had a little talk with kasey. then i had a little talk with chris . that night i had a talk with my mom . then, at work on monday, i called judy to have a talk but she wasnt home. so i called joel to tell him i wanted to have a talk with him. that evening i finished my little talk with chris (its all good) and then i called judy again that night but she still wasnt home. the next day (tuesday) i called johanna and had a little talk with her. im a crazy talking fool. im going to have my talking-too with joel tomorrow hopefully. Lord willing anyway. its up to him. i still have a couple more to have with some other people too.

an hour and a half of open prayer this morning at "see you at the pole". it was awesome.

the song i woke up singing this morning...

Mercy Is Falling Is Falling Is Falling
Mercy Is Falling Like The Sweet Spring Rain
Mercy Is Falling Is Falling All Over Me

Hey-Oh
I Receive Your Mercy
Hey-Oh
I Receive Your Grace
Hey-Oh
I Will Dance Forever More

Amen.

"Father of lights, you delight in your children
Father of lights, you delight in your children

Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Father of lights

Father of lights, you never change
You have no turning
Father of lights, you never change
You have no turning

And Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Every good and perfect gift comes from you
Father of lights ..."

this is the song i woke up with this morning. its awesome to be obsessed with Jesus again. woo hoo!

"Tears that angels cry
And they darken all the sky
When the one you love says good-bye
Tears that angels cry
Sing a lullaby
Sing it soft and only sigh
When the one you love says good-bye
Sing a lullaby
When your love still is strong
When the one you love is gone"
~emitt rhodes "lullaby"

just becuase i have more crappy days than other people might have, or i think of my days as crappy more than most people do, doesnt mean im not a happy person, and it doesnt mean i dont have joy in my life and it really doesnt mean that i dont love Jesus and it definatly doesnt mean that Jesus doesnt love me. if i didnt vent a little bit from time to time and let some stuff out then i would get an ulcer, im sure of it. please forgive me for the way i vent my feelings if they are a problem to you. you can simply igonore me, or you can let me know you are there for me and that you care, or you can tell me to get over it and get a life or you can quietly say a little prayer for me. whatever. just let me have my rant.

im dealing with this. i know whats going on and i have faith and trust in God that He has this whole thing under control. you have no idea.

7:50 a.m.

i woke up 15 minutes after isaiah did. i always wake up this early. i have to.

i still pretty much feel like crap. i really am physicly ill. i have a soar throat and a headache and last night i honestly almost threw up. now i have my coffee here and i want to just sit here all day and do nothing. but im going to go to work and surround myself with the disctracting noise of town life, so i wont think about my problems too much. then later, im going to come home and cry.

i know i complain alot, but i seriously havnt felt this bad in a long time. have you ever felt like someone hit you in the face with a 2x4? thats me.

it was probably God. hes probably trying to get my attention.

what a crappy day.
starting out with a head ache, leading to horrible cramps untill about 3:00 in the afternoon is a hellish way to spend your day.that among other things led to a really shitty day.

joel starsts school tomorrow. its hard to believe its been a year. a whole summer and guess how many times ive hung out with joel. just go ahead and take a guess. well your WRONG. ive only hung out with him ONCE all summer. you know why? becuase *I* asked *HIM* out. dammit. i really miss him. i miss him a lot. i know he's been really busy, but it just seems like if a person cares about a friendship with anothert person... never mind. been down that road. doesnt seem to get my point across.i feel ill. i think im hurting pretty bad. maybe its just my cramps.

so, travis says chris is going to come with us to calvin crest this weekend. that just about killed me. thank you Jesus, that chris is sticking around. i think it would be great to have a young guy leader around. its a blessing that chris want to stick around and be with the youth group. anyway, im really excited about this weekend. its going to be good to get away from here for the weekend and concentrate on Christ. you might think i really need it. well, i do.

God bless this weekend.

excuse me while i go puke...

arguing with someone that you love is exhausting. especially when they dont believe you when you say your sorry.

on another note, you may have noticed that im working on my page a little bit. ive been working on the blogger archives. they should be up and running by the end of the day. i also made a little link button for robbys web site. and i was reviewed by a blog review page the other day. it was sort of a suprise. it was nice. they gave me a little icon and added my site to a little directory thingy. they said some nice things...

"Darkly artistic layout, saturnine, yet creative. The author seems always to be in need of human interaction. The majority of posts are, for the most part, short. There isn’t too much, other than the author’s morbid art, a brief bio, and some lyric/quote choices that portray who she is. As quoted -- “i think that some people dont know me quite as well as they think they do.” -- maybe adding a little insight to the integral imaginings that are existent within her mind people will be more informed and more inclined to make more accurate assumptions of who she is. "
heres my little icon thingy...


so, brad christian emailed me back and said he would get back to me about that graphics job. maybe ill get it, maybe i wont. it would be cool. but im so un-motivated. isaiah has been really cool about motivating me. joel used to say he felt like he was bagering me when he kept telling me to do things, but i really need it. i need to be pushed and bagered. it motivates me. otherwise, i wouldnt do anything.

eating m&m's and drinking un-sweetened ice tea. this is today.

buck says the only way i can save mine and isaiahs friendship, is if we "hook up". umm... buck, i didnt even know our friendship was on the line. i actually think that buck is full of crap. and so is isaac and greg. and joel (just had to add that in there).

the other day, at farmers market, we met these two guys named charles and guy. i think God himself wanted us to meet those two guys becuase we werent even going to go to farmers that day but then that whole thing with isaiah and his dad and his mom being sick and all, we went down there anyway. when we walked up, guy and charles were there. those two guys really love jesus. and even though it was only for a few minutes, it was nice to listen to them talk. it would be nice to hang out with people like them more. people who love jesus and live like they love jesus. not like me. i mean, i love jesus, but im not really "on fire". im just kind of living here. day to day. i talk to jesus everyday and i think our relationship is pretty good, but im not on fire. i dont want to be on fire ALL the time ( is that wrong?), but its nice sometimes. and its nice to be around people who are on fire. ah well. im ok and your ok.

last night was another fun friday night full of randomness. except this time chris joined us. it was really quite fun. i dont know why we run around and do random things on friday nights. anyone else would probably get bored out of there minds. the funny thing is, its not even really random anymore. we ALWAYS go to wal*mart, we ALWAYS go to the dollar store, we ALWAYS talk about going to see a movie and then not really doing it, we ALWAYS drive up onto some roof and then drive back down, and we ALWAYS end the night by sitting out in the front lawn talking about stuff. thats my favrorite part though. i like sitting in the front lawn.

i would like to hang out with charles and guy some time. get coffee or something.

umm...

im feeling really good today. i think its the clouds that were in the sky when i woke up. mom said there is a hurricane down south. maybe it will come up this way... not likely, but at least there are a few clouds in the sky. i cant wait untill winter, when the weather is all cold and nice. and it rains a little. funny how the weather has so much to do with the way you feel. becuase i really do feel pretty good today.

before i go to work, i just wanted to say snaps and a big hug to isaiah, just becuase he is my best friend and stuff.

welp, im off to work i guess.

i think im sick.

blah.

once again, pink floyd...

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here..."