Dying to me...: May 2004

see ya'll in a couple of weeks... maybe...

well, im going to grow up now. no objections please.

i knew from the moment that i stepped foot in the park, there was something wrong. an awful, dark feeling crept over me like a sickness. something was terribly wrong. my mind raced with all the possibilities of what could have happened to cause such a eerie feeling to surround the park this afternoon. i slowly walked closer to the middle of the park, towards the pond. nothing could have prepared me for what i saw there. i held back the urge to throw up as i oberved the horrible sight. bodies lay everywhere. duck bodies. it was a massacre. a duck massacre. who or what could have done such a thing, i wondered... it was horrible. i forced myself to walk among them, searching for any sign of life. but whoever did this, knew what they were doing and left none alive. as i looked closer, i noticed the lack of blood. actually, there was no blood. no stray feathers, no evidence of a struggle... it was strange. i fought back tears as i stumbled upon the body of the old looking duck with the tuft of feathers on his head. the duck that i had laughed at so many times before, the duck that i loved to watch and talk about, now lay lifeless on the ground before me. i called outloud, hoping there would be someone else around, someone who knew what happened, someone to provide some answers to my questions regarding this strange massacre, but there was no one. i made my way to the bridge that crossed over the pond and lay down in the middle of it. i looked up to the sky and watched it go from a clear, crisp blue to a dark, cold grey. starts began to shine as nightfall surrounded me. suddenly a strange feeling came over me... i had never felt this way before... as i thought about the feeling, trying to recognize it from somewhere, i realized that it was peace... a deep peace like i had never known before, the only kind of peace that someone might feel after they die. then i realized, i was dead. at some point during the night, while lying there on that bridge, i had died. then i got the answer to my question... it was no massacre, it was an epedimic. a duck epedimic. wich was why there was no sign of struggle, all the ducks had died peacefuly and quietly, just as i did...

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im feeling sort of sad and lonely.

im drinking black coffee this morning.

im jealous that travis got to shake andrews hand and i was stuck at work all day.

blah.

happy birthday laurel.

i wrote about five different small paragraphs on things. then i deleted them. i decited to keep them to myself. maybe i'll tell the ducks later.

this is the last tuesday that will be working at watsons... my last chance to sit out back and eat my lunch after work in the garden and listen to and enjoy the comotion inside of the kitchen as my boss gets slammed with a rush of costumers... watching the giants ants crawl across the tables and the blue jay who takes food right out of your hands. ive had a lot of good tuesday afternoons out there. this will be my last...

after that...

*screaming* (silently as always, keep it all inside)

so, yesterday after work i went over to the park to watch the ducks. it was a lovely day with clear blue skies and a slight breeze. i had a little walk around the pond and then took a seat on a bench placed facing the pond. i got out my red composition book to write a little bit when out of the corner of my eye, someone caught my attention. there was a boy, about my age taking photographs of the ducks. he had dark hair and eyes and i thought he was a bit handsome. i looked a second longer and disregarded him, as i usually will do with people. i began to write a few more things down in my book. as i was writing, the boy moved a bit closer taking more photographs. i found him rather distracting, since i was used to a quiet undesturbed park. i watched him taking photographs and i noticed him glancing up at me between shoots. i sighed. i really didnt like people paying much attention to me. as i contemplated my escape back to my car to get out of there before confrontation, he got close enough to take a seat on the bench just next to mine. paniced, i didnt know weither or not i should smile at him or say hello, or get up and leave or write something down in my book. he was really handsome though. something magnetic kept me glued to the seat. i had nothing to write, but i pretended to write anyway becuase i found myself not wanting to leave. then he looked over at me and said, "hello, its a nice day isnt it?". i smiled back and said, "yeah...". then he asked me if i was doing homework and i said no, just writing. then he asked me what i did and i explained to him that for the past two and a half years ive been working at a vegetarian deli, but now im going back to school to get my art degree, all of wich he seemed very interested in. thats when our conversation broke out. we talked about everything... art, photography, vegetarianism, college, where we lived, movies, music, driving around... it was lovely. at the end of the conversation he said that he came to the park quiet often to look at the ducks and today he was doing an assignment for his class at the college. my heart beat a little faster and i sort of wanted to sit there with him some more and talk some more, but the park was closing and we had to get going. as i got up to leave, he shyly said, "um, hey. can i stop by your work sometime to see you? maybe have lunch?". i thought about it for a second... "yeah. sure. maybe next week some time. i get off around 2:00". "o.k. i'll see you next week some time..." and then we smiled at eachother and walked our seperate ways.

that didnt really happen. that just would have been what happened in one of the silly romance movies i play in my head. but i did really go see the ducks. but i was alone. and i did write stuff down in my red composition book. but there were no boys.

happy friday. 2 more weeks...

i havnt been writing much becuase ive been writing a lot down into a red composition book with a black pen. i tried a blue pen, but the ink bled through too much making it impossible to write on the back side of the paper. travis had a green pen, but it turned out to be missing one day. he suspects someone from his work place swipped it.

i was going to go to the park yesterday after work and watch the ducks. but after the emotional stress and strain on my mind and heart that took place yesterday, i decited to just go home and sleep instead. maybe i should have gone to see the ducks though... it might have been peaceful... but sleeping is peacful too. and i slept.

the drama is stock piling up on top of me though...

i really do have a crush on this show... i like to pretend that my life is a tv reality sitcom show now... only it takes place in a localy owned vegetarian deli. but, the camera catches all the stupid things that my boss says and does and then it gets a shot of me, wondering what the hell is going on around here. my show is HILarious. and i think pretending that its a tv reality sitcom helps me get throughout the day much easier. but, for reals... im in LOVE with this show. you can usually get it at the blockbuster in case any of you are intertested in seeing what my life is like, except in office form rather than vegetarian deli form...

there is something gooey at the bottom of my coffee cup... and i just sneezed something gooey from my nose onto the sleeve of my shirt... i suspect that im still dealing with a pnuemonia relaps, but im not quite sure... it very well could be something more serious... im not kidding, guys.

peace...

hippie/grunge/punk/cowboy take me away...

moro rock at night... beautiful.

ducks at the park... i'll be there this afternoon...

two more weeks of work. im counting down the days.

rodeo parade... rodeo... over...

i still just really dont know whats going on around here.