and $55.00 later my parents agreed to go out on a date... they are finally seeing the return of the king. horray for them.

im quite frustrated right now... ive been trying to call charlie ALL day long and its been busy everytime.

today i started to file my taxes. i decited to get them done earlier this year than last year when they weret done untill may or so...

my computer is running the thourough check on scandisk and is currently (and for the last couple of hours) going through the clusters. what are clusters?

yesterday afternoon i executed my plan and he responded. all i can really say is that he has beautiful eyes.

horray for juanita. horray for coffee, chinese food and Big Fish.

also, i just wanted to say, horray for Jesus. :)

this evening i went to a few stores and got some awesome deals... as pictured in the amusing little illustration below...



we are still shorthanded in the deli, making things sort of difficult in the mornings. too bad heather, for some reason unknown to me, HAS to have such a full schedule in school. some people make no sense to me... i guess im just a completly different sort of person... a lady comes rushing into the deli this morning all frantic and she acts all crazy while ordering and after she orders she asks how long it will take then she coments "im sorry, im just in such a big hurry. arent we all these days? " and then she chuckled a bit. i wanted to reply to her, "actually, im in no hurry at all." becuase im not.

i dont belive in most goals anymore. i dont like to plan ahead too much. i like to take life as it comes and leave my schedule open and i love to be flexible. to me thats how i can get the best out of life. when im quiet, i see Gods daily blessings.

stop rushing around. calm down. take life a little slower. look at small red berry bushe growing out from between the stones of a wall surrounded by snow. i bet everyone else passes that little bush by. but i studied it and marveled at its beauty.

slow down.

goodmorning.

goodnight...

yesterday i got a niece. my sister-in-law had a beautiful baby girl. my first niece.

i just remembered that i never got that picture of the cherub that sammy drew me. gr.

yesterday i recieved a letter from charlie that made my day.

and again i wonder... is it wrong for a girl to ask a guy out, or is it just not ideal? proper? what IS proper?

" all i can say is that my life is pretty plain, and i like watching the puddles gather rain..."

despite the long shower i took, i can still smell the stench of dirty bodies, clothes, hair and arm pits. the smell is discusting. i guess it just needs some time to wear off...

this past weekend at calvin crest has been bitter-sweet. unfortunatly, in my mind being in the emotional state that it is, the majority of it has been bitter.

this weekend with my high schoolers, i witnessed many things. i supose they have been there all along, but in my current highly sensitive state i noticed them sticking out like a sore thumb. i witnessed a lot of violence, rudeness, disprespect towards eachother and other people and a lot of hatefulness. i saw a lot of acceptance of sin and i witnessed a lot of low self esteem, a lot of looking for acceptance in others and the thing that was most disheartening, i noticed a lack of interest in Jesus.

the speakers name was sam scribbles. i have never seen him before, but my little brother informed me that he has been up at calvin crest several times before. he was quite good looking, very good looking in fact. but more importantly, he was a blessed speaker. God is using him to reach out to people in a latino neighborhood in hollywood with a crime rate almost as high as south centrals.

the focus attention this weekend was the difference between temoprary things (things of the world, momentary pleasures) and eternal things (your relationship with Christ and others, the way you live your life). personally i was blessed by the message, but i was distracted my the above mentioned lack of interest displayed by a good number of my highschoolers.

maybe its just the stage of life that they are in, maybe its just a stage. something they will grow out of. maybe some day they will grow up and come to realise the importance of some of the things that they seem to pass off so quickly as silly or unimportant.

im tired of them. im tired of the violence, the lack of peace. the lack of peace physicly and especially spiritualy. im tired of them struggling for acceptance im tired of them making friends who will not lift them up spiritually. im tired of seeing them make the wrong choices. im tired of the lack of male influence in their lives and im sickened to think of the male influences they choose to have. im frustrated that i can only do so much.

im frustrated because i love them so much. im blessed by this because i get to feel just a small piece of what God feels for them. if im so frustrated and concerned, how much more is God concerend about them? how much more does God love them?

i guess i will just keep on keeping on. sometimes all i can do is pray for them and love them. and silently watch them making the choices they make, even if they are wrong.

i know that i have been guilty of at least some of the above, and i know that it doesnt really matter wich ones becuase God views all of our sins the same, but i feel blessed that God has snown me a better way. im blessed to think that God is changing me and making me into a better person. i just feel blessed.

so, there was some sweet along with the bitter. the weather was beautiful, my car ran good, i was blessed by the speaker, we had awesome worship, and i saw God through some of students at camp. there is hope, i'll try ti grasp it and hold on to it remembereing that God in in control and he can change any situation and he can change anyones heart.
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i took some notes on the messages. they go a little something like this...
Everyone has a hole inside. We try to fill it with temporal things, material things, things that will not last.
God wants to fill our hole with himself. With eternal peace. He fills us up wholy & eternaly. Eternal joy, satisfaction and peace.

John 16:33 I have told you, so that in me you will find peace...
John 14:27 Peace i leave with you, my peace i give you...

Don't settle for temporal fillings when Christ can eternally fill your heart.
Have passion for waht you belive in.
Never be embaressed of your faith.
Share your testimony.
Take someone aside to pray with them and/or for them.
Work hard to be a christian.
Be passionate about something.
Be passionate to serve Christ.

now the amusing part...

this is me driving to calvin crest. it was dark and foggy in the begining, then when we hit 99 it clearned up making way for dark stary skies and cold winter air.

this is me sleeping through the counselar meeting.

this is me at breakfast.

the speaker, sam scribbles, was a breakdancer. he entertained us during free time with some of his breaking skills. he was really funny to watch.

this is me sleeping through the rest of free time.

owen wilson...

this is me just sort of standing around.

this is travis during one of the stupid games that we played. yay.

and this me sleeping through breakfast this morning.

peace...

"i think your going to miss us."
"i am. i already miss you guys."
"aww. now im feeling all emo..."

what an emotionally exhausting week.now im the one feeling all emo and i just want to curl up in my bed and sleep through all of tomorrow and then on untill God knows when. im so tired. its also been physicly exhausting. what with us being 2 people short handed at work making for double the work for abby and i, i am wore out. going to bed before 10:00 everynight so far has helped a bit, but still. blah.

yes, im dropping my class. why? becuase of whatever asshole decited to raise tuition fee's at c.o.s. not to metion the asshole who decited to make the required text book $80.00. thanks alot guys. thanks for making it difficult for a young, inspired, willing girl to become educated and better skilled at ways to improve her life and the lives of others around her. way to go. im sorry, i just cant afford $135 dollars on a class right now at this point in time when i dont even really like school to begin with. whatever. im slightly upset about it, but remaining semi-apathetic, thinking of saving money to take the class next sememster. planning ahead is good sometimes...

speaking of apathetic, im loosing my apathy more and more. i supose thats a good thing. but it just seems like lately im taking things more personal and letting things get to me and taking offense at a lot of things and a lot of things said by people towards me or towards other people make me really sad. im just sad about things said and done. maybe i really am emo. dammit. :(

or maybe im just becoming more compassionate, growing closer to Christ... maybe...

tomorrow im driving to calvin crest. yippie. part of me doesnt want to go. but the part of me that doesnt want to go is the part of me that knows that there will be no sleeping in this weekend sin ce i'll be up there. and i know that thats a pretty lame part of me, so im sucking it up and heading up there tomorrow with my highschoolers for a weekend of... fun?

*sigh*

last night everyone left to go to church and i was left at home by myself. so me and my emo-self got all comfy-cozy in my pajamas, took my nightly dose of calcium, made myself some bija sleep-well tea, turned off all the lights except for two small ones in the living room, and turned on the fellowship of the rings. i shed a few tears at the more beautiful scenes and my heart was warmed by the friend relationship between frodo and sam. speaking of frodo and sam, im tired of all the jokes and comments being made against there friendship, acusing them of being so "gay" and whatever. i think people should use frodo and sams friendship as an example of how friendships should be. commited, loving, pure, genuine, honest and adventurous.

speaking of friends, juanita still kicks ass and vanessa, sorry i couldnt hang out on monday and thanks for leaving comments on my web site. i really want to hang out with you and julia soon.

so, in an attempt to make my life a little more amusing (mostly to myself becuase i know that all of you already find my life extremely amusing) i have decited to more often add illustrations. such as the one below taking place in the fabric/pattern department of the wal*mart.

and will my little plan be executed tomorrow afternoon? will i have the time, between getting off of work and heading up to calvin crest? will i have the opourtunity or even the guts for that matter? we shall see...


and she thought to herself, that wasnt nearly enough time...

yesterday afternoon i had a plan. it was a genious plan and i was going to carry it out at the tazzeria when i went in to get the chamomile tea. the set up was prefection... i walked in, he came out. he asked how i was doing, i replied and mentioned what a beautiful day it was outside. he said something or the other and that was about it. what happened to my plan? flusteration set in. my plan was forgotten. i got my tea, walked out the door and drove home, only to remember the plan in great disapointment half way home. ahh well. i suppose there is always today...

speaking of today, its my first day of school. its my first day. for the first time in two years i am taking a class. im nervous and aprehensive. i hate school, i hate it. but i needed to do something with my life other than work and all that other stuff i do. i need to stimulate my mind and learn something new, so signed up. i figured, what the hell? maybe you could say a little prayer for me, as i really dont like school at all. even if the class is just a cooking class (introduction to professional cooking), it is still a CLASS and its at c.o.s., the place where all your dreams break apart in a million tiny pieces and depression sets in while walking amung the campus while you should be in a class, wondering what the hell you are doing there... but anyway... prayer is good...

last night was the best. i brushed my teeth and braided my hair. i also got some heart felt advice that stuck to me and maybe you should know that your concern/thought has effected me and that i can still hear your voice in my head and the love behind the simple things said to me. even if it was just little things mentioned throughout our time milling about the wal*mart and taco bell, i am thourouly (sp?) convinced that you guys are truly two of the most dear boys that will ever walk the face of this earth and i am blessed because of you. i will miss you while you are in texas. but i still have juanita, my girlfriend. :)

all i have to say is...

BLAH

some people are just too damn funny. like my sister. funny!

heres a true story i wrote to a friend a few weeks ago...
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too bad you missed the mountains today, because it kicked ass.

we drove up the balch park road through yokal valley. the yokal valley road is beautiful. right now its all green and the hills are covered with small oak trees and grazing cows, minding their own business on the side of the hills... grazing, grazing, grazing...

it took about an hour or so to get up close to balch park. i say close becuase we never actually made it in... there was a tiny bit of snow on the ground, but as we saw the sign on the side of the road that said "balch park 5 miles" we looked ahead and also saw the road was blocked off with a "ROAD CLOSED" sign, meaning we had to turn around and go back down the road.

the trip down was miserable. i was driving and i had to go to the bathroom SO bad, the music was all off and travis and woody were annoying the hell out of me as only little brothers could do. i stoped at this place on the side of the road with a memorial rock set up with the engraving of "battle mountain" upon it. we read about how the settlers and the indians had some battle for land at that place. i wrote a couple of short sentances in my journal and woody threw rocks at travis (who hid behind a boulder) becuase there was no snow.

we set off again, bitter at the snow trip being ruined by closed roads and our big expectations. we got to the yokal valley turn off again and i noticed the sign that said springville was 6 miles away. thinking of my full bladder (hahaha... bladder is a funny word) i decited it would be better to go to springville on a smooth streight road rather than go home through the windy rought road through yokal.

when we arived at the springville turnoff, i saw the sign that said "quaking aspens 25 miles ahead" and i got totally excitied... remember how i always wanted to go there? we stopped and had lunch at a small mexican restaraunt and then we headed back up towards the quaking aspens.

the drive was once again nice. due to the weather and the recent rains, everything was bright green and the sky was clear blue with hints of clouds. we pulled over at one point at a rest spot where we found stairs leading down to the rocks and the river below. we climbed down and looked into a deep green clear pool of water at the bottom of a small waterfall. after a while of looking around and watching travis look all artistic with his disposible camera (we was photo journaling the trip) we climbed back up the little hill, crossed a small bridge, walked upon some orange and yellow mapel leaves and went up the stairs to where my car was parked.

we drove on, this time heading into the cloud that we had been watching just above us almost the whole drive. the visability was maybe 10 feet and it seemed dark. driving on the narrow road we looked off the sides of the cliffs and all we saw was whitish grey fog covering the valleys and ravines below us. we couldnt even see the cliffs off to the side. i chose to listen to iggy pops "passenger" covered by inxs. the song has a creepy sounds to it, wich made the unfamiliar drive through the fod even more ominous than perhaps it truly was... i was getting fed up and tired of the fog and i decited the next safe place i could find, i was going to turn around and go back down. i pulled over and began to turn around when for some reason we decited to keep on pushing forward, to drive ahead through the fog.

suddenly we broke free from the fog. joel, it was one of the most amazing things i have ever seen in my entire life... what used to be a thick blanket of white cold fog suddenly turned into clear blue skies and sunny mountain sides. the sky was an amazing clear blue and the afternoon sun was shining from behind us onto the mountainsides in front of us. we looked back and saw the fog cloud behind us, sitting there covering the earth with whiteness. we all laughed and cheered. the feeling inside of me was awesome... there is no way i could explain the beauty of the experience... i dont have the words to do it any justice, but the picture of it is imprinted in my head and heart. it was beautiful.

we popped in blind mellon and sang along to "no rain" as we continued to drive up the road, enjoying the scenery around us. enjoying the clarity and the fresh air. i had my window rolled down (of course) and the wind felt good. we stoped at a small coffee shop in a town called pineflats (i think thats what it was called) and walked up to a little ampatheatre they had built there. it was their church. we admired it and drove on.

by this time we were getting bored. im sick of driving (i wish you would have come with us so i could have let you drive for a while. i never get to not drive anymore, sitting in the passenger seat for a change would have been heaven for me) and woody and travis are tired also. the sky is growing darker and it seems as if we will never get there.

once again, i pull over. im turning around this time to go home. travis and woody get out and woody throws snowballs at travis on the side of the road. travis runs and screams like a girl. i put in a new cd and start the engine of the car. it gets dark extremly fast it seems like, and we drive right back into the fog cloud. but this time it was awful becuase it was dark and unfamiliar. the fog was only a few feet visability now, with winding roads and cold rain coming down. it was like we were inside of a rain cloud. my eyes never leave the yellow dividing line and the white limit line on the road. its nearly impossible to see becuase of the darkness and the thickness of the fog. i just pray for safety in my head and woody and travis dont say much of anything.

finally, after about 30 minutes of the dark horrors of fog, we emerge into the clear darkness of night. ahead of us we can see where the sun is setting, dark shades of blue now with streaks of lighter blue where the clouds are set high in the sky. stars are coming out and i feel relieved from the heavy burden of drving through that thick white hell.

down the mountain we drive. through springville down past lake sucsess (sp?) and into porterville, we hit the 65 and head home.

the trip started at 12:30 and we didnt get home untill about 7:00. im exauhsted (sp?) but it was an awesome adventureous trip. im ready to go again soon on another unknown adventure, off into the mountains or wherever we may go.

just thought i would tell you about it, let you know what you missed. ;) i hope you had an awesome day doing whatever. rock on.

smile. today is beautiful.

agest is like racist, except your not discriminating against race, you are discriminating against age. everyone who thinks i should not marry sammy is agest. so what im 8 years older than him? dont be so agest. :)

also, hell yes im going to have a donut cake.

damn vegas style solitaire.

i love being a creative person.

i have a friend crush on a guy named Michael. *sigh*

anything by sid barrets years in pink floyd.

anyday now... im ready...

so, this weekend was rock.

* drove to the snow with woody and travis
* parked in a ranger parking spot.
* walked around
* messed about in the snow
* found a carrot
* travis jumped headfirst into the snow.
* laughed while travis was headfirst in the snow
* slight panick with the realization that travis couldnt get himself out of the snow and there was a chance of suffocation...
* woody helped travis out.
* laughed harder than ive ever laughed before.
* laughed as travis jumped headfirst into the snow *again*
* yelled at woody to help him out *again*
* had a vision for the awesomest snowman
* travis and i built the awesomest snowman (woody REFUSED to help. i dont know why... photos later... )
* watched woody and travis have a silly snowball fight.
* woody and travis put my snow chains on my car
* played with toys in the snow
* drove about a bit
* made woody and travis take the snow chains off because we really didnt need them.
* drive back down out of the mountains.
* passed a blue mini van that was driving about 5 miles per hour
* stopped by juanitas house
* went to taco bell
* came home.

then on sunday we hung out with juanitas family all afternoon, and then youth group at night. also, the engagment is back on.

sometimes its good to look back at the past to recognize how much God is blessing you.

now, on with today...

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blahblahblah? blah. blah, blah.

im happy to anounce the new addidion of James and the Giant Peace to my funny little dvd collection. if anyone has not seen this movie, they deserve to be gobbled up by a giant rinocerous, causing all their problems (if they have any) to be over in 35 seconds flat.

i registered for a class next sememster at c.o.s. my stomach is churning already... blah.

today i stumbled across something unexpected.

i bought a 1000 piece puzzle.

im throuroughly convinced of the power behind the scrubbing bubbles.

hi. yesterday i got home from a little trip to mexico, where i saw many amazing things. one of them being a fat naked lady walking up the street in tiajuana. weird.

happy 14th birthday lacey!