today i needed a good friend to sit down and talk with, so i drew one.

today started out with me hearing a conversation that i never should have heard. this particular conversation should have never even been had, but it was. and i, by some sick chance, happened to hear it. it made me want to throw up and cry. i wanted to go and change back into my pajamas, crawl back into bed and stay there all day long and cry and... i dont know. i heard the conversation that should have never been, thus setting the pace for the rest of my day...

i cant even explain why it wasnt a good day. it just wasnt. i think it was the damn conversation that did it to me... it made me so sick inside, that the sickness leaked through my skin and caused the outside of me to be sick too.

i get all nervouse when he walks up... im serious, as stupid and silly as it sounds its true. i get nervouse. i dont think ive ever gotten so nervouse around a boy before as i am when he walks up. i dont know why. its stupid really.

my head hurts. i feel like death (overstatement). i just want a nice cup of coffee and a friend to sit and talk to about the shit thats happening.

guys should NOT wear flip flops.

its discusting.

anyone who thinks otherwise should be shot in the knee caps.

im not kidding.

so, today i invited *someone* to the punk rock show on friday night... i dont know... i think i messed it up though, becuase... i dont know why. i just do. i think i messed it up.

dammit.

* i dont belive i should have to change just to get people to like me
* i refuse to believe i am the only one out there who feels like this
* i refuse to believe i am the only one out there who really needs a good, honest friend to spend quality time with
* i do not believe in candy coating the truth
* i do believe in long drives with someone in the passenger seat
* i do believe in speaking your heart and mind
* i believe in taking time out to be with people who want to take time out to be with you
* i believe that i am a product of your rejection
* but i also believe that im being newley re-shaped and re-molded by the hands of my heavenly father and creator, Jesus Christ...

so, i did a drawing of my little pocket punk. he's not a fat amercian punker, he is a skinny, gangly british punk who wears tight highwaterted pants, white t-shirts and black leather jackets. and he listens to and sings like the sex pistols or the clash... or even souxsie... and he is hard core streight edge. whatever that means.
meet my punk... also, i am currently wearing the shoes seen below... 14 eye black leather doc martens, purchased off of zappos.com. they are awesome shoes. classic doc marten lines... not all faggy like a lot of doc marten styles.
i am currently debating weither or not to go to festival con dios this year... i really dont like ANY of the acts that are going to be there, but i really want to go and see farewell seasons on the talent stage... i wouldnt mind hanging out either... and zeb said that he might come up and play drums... hrm... speaking of farewell seasons, if you live in this area they are having a show this friday evening at redwood high school at 9:00 p.m.. i'll be there looking around for british type punk rock boys born between the years of 1979 and 1982.

ugh...

tonight i went to taco bell with my family. i ate a bean & cheese burrito and a seven layer burrito. i was really hungry... then i came home...

i went for a walk. i did two miles, despite the fact that i told myself i would only do one since i was so frickin full from dinner. ugh... i feel like total and complete crappola now.

so, a little white back i realized that i have a crush on british punks. not the fat american punks, the old school british ones... i want to go to britan and get myself a nice skinny british punker and bring him back here to be my best friend... preferebly someone with a smile and the looks of gary oldman as sid vicious...



*sigh*



i dont even so much want a british punk rocker for my boyfriend... i more so want one to just have. like, maybe pocket size... so i can take him out sometimes and just look at him and think he's cute... yeah. a pocket size british punk rock boy...

Mmm...

by the way, if you havnt seen that movie, stop whatever it is that you are doing right now, go to blockbuster and get it.

and also, if you are a british punk rocker and you are reading this, get ahold me via e-mail or whatever so we can hang out.

anyways, all that stuff about british punk rock boys leads me to the super bizaro dream that i had last night... i dreamed that i went down to anahiem to the flogging molly show and my sort of boyfriend was with me ( i dont really have a sort of boyfriend, only in my dream... ) and he was a sort of cross between two boys that i know in real life, one of the guys from flogging molly and sid vicious... he was really cute though... he had a perfect mohawk, he was all nice and quite and he seemed like a really sweet person... anyway, he was a drummer, so the lead singer for flogging molly asked him if he would like to play drums for a set and he said yeah, so i sat out in the audience and watched him playing drumms for flogging molly. its was pretty weird... mainly becuase most of the dream was compiled somehow by things that happened within a few hours of the time i went to bed.

so, yeah. sitting here listening to the sex pistols now...

i just almost a whole half of a watermellon by myself... and i would eat more if i had it...

i have only cursed about twize outloud in the past two days because my little brother informed me that it really bothered him when i curse. im trying to be good.

no one has bid on my shoes yet. im going top have to start breaking some legs if they dont get any bids...

i heart beck.

he smiled at me today... :)

ahhhhh... so de-congested... feels so good...

if you have a u.s. womens size 7 foot, then go to ebay right now and bid on this... do this one thing for me and i will call you my friend for forever...

i don't know what i did, but im sorry...

does that count?

weird...


YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla

i don't understand why i think cannibalism is so frikin funny...

Skinned ... a little song by Blind Mellon

I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables

And when I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in, oh yeah
And though you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in

A Time to Kill ... all i can say is ... wOw.

also ...

65 minutes ... all i can say again is ... wOw.

*sigh*

thank you.

- friday morning, 7:47 a.m.
- just found out that johnny cash died
- dark feeling in the pit of my stomach has returned
- i don't want to deal with any crap
- im going to tell it like it is
- even if it possibly hurts his feelings
- looking ahead at another weekend of doing nothing at home
- just drank an awesome cup of coffee... creamer and chocolate powder in coffee...
- i can't wait untill tomorrow morning when i can stay in bed and sleep untill 12:00
- im working on an art piece
- what are you doing this weekend?

so, the order was not that good of a movie. i wouldnt recomend it unless you are like me, meaning you have no friends so you have nothing else to do BUT watch movies that arent all that good.

movies i rented this evening include...
along came a spider
15 minutes
deuces wild
chinatown
happenstance
and time to kill

movies purchased inclue...
dude wheres my car and brokedown palace

so, want to come over and watch a movie this weekend?

also, QUICK! someone invite me to become a LiveJournal user so that i might be able to post comments with ease upon other LiveJournal users pages.

ive got a dark feeling down in the pit of my stomach...

i feel like that one scene from the movie Amalie, when she is in the cafe and she just sort of falls into water and is gone... i feel like turning into water and just falling down and then i would be gone...

goodbye...

i just got back from a walk. i think im walking faster and harder than i was a couple of weeks ago... good for me... mind, body and spirit.

if you were here, i would call you up and ask you if you would like to go for a drive with me right now. whoever you are.

well, i had to cancel my date with myself this evening becuase mom needed to borrow my car. i was bummed, but theres always tomorrow afternoon.

blah.

so, the thing that i have very recently noticed is that some people have a lot of talent, but absolutly no creativity. and its usually those people who get "discovered" or "apreciated" before those of us who have both talent and creativity do. becuase those of us who have both talent and creativity are usually the social outcasts, the wallflowers, who sit at home friendless and by ourselves thinking of the one person who we cant have who is usually one of the people who have talent, yet no creativity. well screw you. i want someone with talent AND creativity.

now im going to go eat my lemon pudding and watch the godfather.

so, heres how it all went down...

saturday...
*woke up at 4:00 a.m.
*left the house almost 5:00 a.m.
*stoped to go pee like, three times...
*drove into l.a., zeb called...
*heather got us lost in the industrial district of l.a. for about ten minues...
*finally got to disneyland at about 8:30 or 9:00ish...
*almost crashed into some road dividers
*sped on up through the disneyland parking garage listening to U2
*called zeb
*zeb walked up
*shoved my vitamins into the tic tac container i had in my purse
*walked away from my car to disneyland.
*bought tickets
*purse check at the gate
*rented a locker
*ate a muffin, drank some coffee... Mmmm... muffin tops...
*went on some rides
*sat down for a while
*went on some more rides
*sat down for a while more
*became extremely fatigued and tired from not eating enough food and walking around for too long and lack of sleep
*went on some rides
*sat down
*decided to leave the park.
*went to eat at subway
*went to hang out in KFC for no reason
*drove down to starbucks and drank some coffee
*the barista behind the counter gave me a free coffee drink becuase he thought i was cute. also, they made an extra one and i just happened to be there.
*went to target to buy some batteries... looked around at videos... spent about 20 - 30 minutes talking about movies...
*decited to go back to disneyland becuase we had another two hours before it closed, and hey. why not?
*drove around a couple of times in the disneyland parking lot for no apparent reason.
*went back into disneyland
*battled a ridiculous crowd of people all up through adventure land
*hopped onto the pirates of the carribeans a couple of times
*relaxed through the ride...
*Mmmm.... pirates.....
*haunted mansion
*indiana jones ride twice in a row...
*once again, batteled an insane amount of people as they were trying to get to the gates to go home becuase the park was closing, so i had the idea that it would be better to sit and wait it out. we found a nice little bench and had a seat and just sat there in the night at disneyland and watched people walking by for almost an hour... listening to the background music, watching people, thinking, listening, watching, talking, soaking it all up...
*left disneyland and went to eat
*fell asleep at the table at in & out for all of 5 seconds. i woke up as soon as i drooled on the table. gross.
*went to the hotel
*fell asleep.

so, in all heather and i were awake for about 22 hours on saturday... we both woke up at about 9:30 on sunday morning. heather said she has never stayed awake that long before. one time i stayed awake for like, 30 hours or something like that... i dont know why. *shrugs*

now, sunday was cosmic hilarity (whatever). we went to church at calvary chapel costa mesa, located in santa ana. that makes no sense... but it was a cool church service.

after church we decited to go visit zeb and kidnap him and make him go to the beach us. so we filled up my car with gasoline and headed out to look for burbank...

i got off on the wrong freeway and ended up way over there when we should have been way over here... the next two hours were spent looking for zebs house...

we ended up driving down sunset strip... wich was fun becuase i saw all sorts of things from the movies... i even saw the wolfgang puck cafe. now, a little secret, i love wolfgang puck. i think he is adorable. some day, i am going to go eat there... becuase im in love with wolfgang puck.

we spent about two hours looking for burbank. finally i looked at the map myself and maped out a rout and we got there in no time.

*drove into zebs part of town
*pulled into a gas station
*i got out and asked if'n the guy knew where the swork was.
*he told me where swork is.
*we drove down there
*paid 5o cents for two hours worth of parking
*got out and walked into swork and had a seat
*called zeb...
"hey..."
"hey, whats up?"
"nothing... are you at home?"
"yeah..."
"well, heather and i were wondering of you wanted to hang out..."
"ummm........................... ok............................"
"well, we are at a little place called... umm..... whats this place called? ahh yes... we are at this little place called the swork cafe."
"your at the swork???"
"yeah..."
"you found it???"
"yeah..."
"......"
"come down here and hang out..."
"ok..."
"ok, bye."
*hung up.
*sat there for like, 10 minutes. i guess zeb had to get ready to hang out or something. he was probably sitting up in his apartment in his underwear or something. guys do that all the time.
*hung out with zeb.
*went to target
*rode the escelator
*looked around
*ate dinner at big boy burger
*played some tunes on the music thingy
*drove zeb home
*checked under the hood of my van while heather and zeb just sat there talking.
*said goodbye to zeb
*drove home.

thats pretty much the whole of my weekend. extremely exciting. mosre excitment than what im used to.

hrm... zeb reminds me of alot (most) of the people i know from here (in MOST ways, not all though...). nevertheless, i totally have a crush on him. even though he is one of the craziest (im not joking) people i have ever met in my whole entire life. zeb, i want to tell you all the things you are doing wrong and how to fix them to make your life a whole hell of a lot better. you would probably just end up getting pissed off at me though. but, you have a good heart. it was fun hanging out with you this past weekend. too bad we didnt go to the beach though. meh.

i have this discusting sore in my mouth... it aches... its on the front of my bottom gums. it feels like im cutting a tooth... vampire teeth probably. its right where vampires would have extra teeth, so im probably just getting vampire teeth in so i can be a vampire or something.

today at work sucked. just becuase im so tired and wore out from the long weekend. also, i had some pretty bitchy costumers. i wish i could just quit my job and drive around for the rest of my life in my car. you may join me if you wish, but you are probably too busy and caught up with school and all those other things you seem to get caught up in that make you too busy to bother to be my friend. im going to just get into my van and drive around for forever... i would have a never ending amount of gasoline money and i would just drive around and listen to music and look at the scenery and have the windows rolled down so i could feel the wind... in the winter time, i would have the heater on and the windows rolled down becuase i like the wind on my face.

tomorrow im going to take myself out on a date (since no one else is )... im going to go see The Order and get some dinner somewhere i think... hmm...

*sigh*

"There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine"

~beck "guess im doing fine"

- going to disneyland tomorrow. horray. w00t.
- *sigh*
- the only thing im NOT looking forward to about this weekend is the lack of sleep that i just know im going to get...
- we got a deli case today
- i washed my car today. inside and out, so it doesnt look majorly crapped out anymore. just normal crapped out.
- i have a crush on this boy named jacob... he lives near me and he goes to my church. hes a nice boy. i think hes cute.
- maybe im a lost cause?
- where are you??? its friday night and im not doing anything...
- who is "Ink"? im intrigued...
- i never recieved any phone calls from you. you are crazy.

this song is about me...

"apple blossom" by the white stripes

Hey little apple blossom
what seems to be the problem
all the ones you tell your troubles to
they dont really care for you
Come and tell me what youre thinking
cause just when the boat is sinking
a little light is blinking
and i will come and rescue you
Lots of girls walk around in tears
but thats not for you
youve been looking all around for years
for someone to tell your troubles to
Come and sit with me and talk awhile
let me see your pretty little smile
put your troubles in a little pile
and i will sort them out for you
ill fall in love with you
i think ill marry you

fair weathered friends... get away from me. i dont need you...
potato chips... die and go to hell. you make me fat.
jack white... come back here with my heart...
54 inch television... you rock... im glad my living room is your home...
disney land... look out, here i come...
gasoline prices... you will be the financial death of me if you keep this up...
you... whoever you are... come find me... im bored without you...