i feel the need to simplify my life... although im not sure how i could go about doing that seeing as though my life is already pretty simple. but still, i have this longing to make my life more simple... quiter, calmer, more private...

so im going to create a space. im going to build it and keep it simple. i will decorate with natural beauty and things that i create. plants and art... calming things... its going to be a place where i can sit and read, think, pray, meditate, drink coffee and if i should happen to miracuously (sp?) make a friend, we can sit out there together and do nothing in silence. or have quiet conversation.

the place is going to be outside. a sort of arbor or gondola or a sort of pavilion of sorts. with a wooden floor and a roof... i am going to grow plants all around and vines up onto the roof. somehow i will be able to cover it in the winter time... maybe i can have a fire pit or a heater of some sort so it will be available to me in the winter. i would prefer my space to have no electricity, but i think i will add it so that i can have lighting out there for the evening or the night time. perhaps i'll make it my summer home and string up a hammic to sleep in at night.

sounds lovely. just the thought of it calms my mind...

please pray that i would be able to somehow simplify my life a little more. whatever that means. it truly is my current hearts desire.

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this afternoon after work i sat at tazzaria for about an hour reading my book. i couldnt get into it though with the thoughts rushing through my head about people who were once close to me but now are not. im saddened by the choices that they make and they way that they treat themselves, thinking its the best thing for them. thinking they are making the right choices when they are crushing all the people around them that love them so much. its funny how people continue doing certain things even when its obviously killing off the relationships that matter the most. i guess maybe those relationships didnt matter so much after all?

i know, inside your heart hurts. if it doesnt, then you are more gone than i thought you were...

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tomorrow is beautiful saturday. just about the lonliest day of the week (besides friday night). im going for a drive up to see the snow. i dont really know how im going to manage this yet though considering i have a little over a half a tank of gasoline and only five dollars in my wallet... maybe i'll dig around in the back of my car for the suprise money that randomly throw back there... maybe... maybe i have more in my wallet than i think i do... somehow i'll come up with whatever money i need and then im pulling out of here. im going to blast blind mellon or something of the sort and forget all the stuff that goes on down here in my normal day to day life. im going to concentrate (as much as i can considering im going to be driving) on the (mostly) undesturbed nature and beauty that God created. my getaway, my time to rejuvinate (sp?) and regather myself.

i wont be at the open mic tomorrow night becuase i am agoraphobic and a lost cause. i will never truly like crowds. i will never be comfortable with a crowd. i can only find comfort sitting across from one person with a heart filled conversation.

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sarahcheiko, i think you write beautifly...

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peace...