http://upadanasaddha.wordpress.com/

good morning everybody!






my morning view...

im pretty sure these and others like them might could possibly be for sell some time soon... let me know if your interested...

blue bird

yellow bird

green bird

they just started coming out one day last week... it was weird... these little watercolor birds currently own me for some reason...

a little catch up...

ive been posting on my myspace blog for a little while now, at the time i couldnt remember how to log into the *new* blogger... heres a little catch up...

friday march 9th, 2007...
i think i'll get an ipod so i can listen to the music i want to listen to all the time because thats what i want to do. also, it will probably provide an easy way to distract me and drown out all the problems, thoughts, questions, and maybe, juuuust maybe, Gods voice that seem to be so pestering all the time. it might even provide a good excuse for me to igonore other people and pretend like i cant hear them or just act like what i'm listening to is more important than anything they might have to say to me. yeah. thats a good idea. glad i thought of it.

i.pods are great. but maybe they should teach an i.pod etiquitte class or something. maybe i'm just jealous that i dont have one but most everyone else i have even known do have one.

don't let this offend you too much if you love i.pods. im just sayin...


saturday, March 10, 2007...
i really, really, really think i just heard a dinosaur out there...




i'm serious.



Sunday, March 11, 2007...
one of the things that i have learned... artificial smells (perfume, colonge, smelly, smelly body wash possibly) really, really bother me. i think they congest me and also make me nauseous.

lets stick to the natural smells. dirt. maybe an essential oil every once in a while (preferebly patchouli or sage) and ditch the man made frangrances. they give me a head ache.

Sunday, March 18, 2007...
this is where i went today...






i didnt mean to, i guess. i just started walking and this is where i ended up at. i started at camp and walkity walked through the forrest on a trail... i figured i would pop out on the road somewhere.


conquered that overgrown, hardly walked, rocky backwoods trail i guess.

Friday, April 13, 2007...
genesis 32:24...

so jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him untill day break. when the man saw that he could no overpower him, he touched the socket of jacobs hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. then the man said, "let me go, for it is daybreak."
but jacob replied " i will not let you go unless you bless me."
the man asked him. "what is your name?"
"jacob," he answered.
then the man said, "your name will no longer be jacob, but isreal, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
jacob said, "please tell me your name."
but he replied, "why do you ask my name?" then he blessed him there.
so jacob called the place Peniel (meaning face of God) saying "it is because i saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

God let jacob win. jacob wrestled with God all night becuase he was passionate. God wants us to be passionate with him. he wants us to ask questions, to be relentless, to struggle with him. God doesnt get offended when we ask him questions, when we "wrestle" with him, he desires such acts of passion and we will be blessed becuase of them.

i think i'll keep on asking questions, i think i will keep on being relentless with God. i think thats what im going to do.

i fixed everything. well, for the most part. i finally got fed up and just did some basic (nerdy) html work and got my side bar over there where it is suposed to be, motivating me to write more on here rather than *myspace* where i have been currently.

i would be suprised if anyone still checked here. aparently, allegedly anyway, ive been trying so hard, spending lots of time trying to get everyones attention by making up all sorts of insignificant messages, so maybe you all are still out there. whatever.

ive been having a hard time logging in since i switched to the *new blogger*... its not there fault, its mine. im just confused.

i can't stop eating cheetos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

note to self: don't put anything meaningful on your blog becuase heather marie will come along and destroy it by saying something terribly sarcastic and degrading...

ch. heather.

the ranch house is quiet...

sad day.
started out with a dream.
not enough sleep to suffice,
not a long enough break from myself.
slow start.
postponing life.
anxious thoughts on the back portch waiting.
trying to trust,
hoping for a miracle,
i'm still hoping you will come back...
quiet drive.
i took the life of a hawk against my windsheild.
i saw it go into the bushes.
i saved the lives of some mice,
and probably some bugs and sparrows too,
after that, you drove.
i couldnt drive.
greyhound station downtown.
i love you, goodbye...
are you alright?
im going to cry...

the house is quiet without you.

sipping coffee with a green, one eyed monster
stripes swirl around
the futon matress is lumpy and hard
i can tell by the way my back aches this morning
crushes hard to get over
crushes come from no where
return in my dreams
the fog is thin but visable
its there like its always been
family on the other side of the wall
witnesses of a change of time
b-bank is far
mo is further
oregon is two hundred and twenty dollars away
europe is the furthest of all
the virus continues to eat through my system
i can tell by all the little pop up warnings i recieve
the fish swim in their own little world
oblivious to justin timberlakes voice
blaring where it didnt used to be
the cats side ripped open
the cat needs love
like children
like houseplants
my room is calm
my coffee is cold...
its thanksgiving today...

what the hell is wrong with me?

jiggely puff is dead... someone killed her with their car...

posted last summer...

Monday, July 18, 2005
this is pretty much the most entertaining cat we've ever had...her name is jigglypuff and she is laceys pet. she hates to be held, petted, played with and scritchled.










she really does hate you. dont worry though, she hates me too.

and now she is dead...

i woke up sad this morning so i put on mascarea and fixed my hair and put on a nice shirt to try to make myself feel better. but then i blew snot right through my tissue and felt gross again and the familiar feeling of how outward beauty means nothing, returned to me and i wanted to go put on some ugly cothes to demonstrate the fact that beauty comes from within, not without, but i stopped myself becuase i am no better than anyone else and trying to prove that point might make me seem self-righteous. does writing this make me self-righteous? who am i?

i had a cigerette last night on the portch at about 4:00 a.m. (just to have that experience) and the world was a different place... the placement of the stars was unfamiliar and the moon was different, a moon i dont usually see seeing as though i dont usually go to the back portch at 4:00 a.m. but i liked that experience. maybe i will do it again some early morning...

i just found a quote on this computer desktop that says "a wise girl kisses but does not love, listens but does not believe and leaves before she is left." ~ marilyn monroe... i dont like that quote. i hope that there is not a girl in this house who saved this quote believing it was good and true, because it is not. it disturbes me that is was saved onto this computer, probably with the intent of remembering it or using it some day...

today is friday the 13th... but that really doesnt matter.

rainy days always seem to bring out the best in me... absoulte cynisism and pessimisim... a sense of self pity and lonliness... and i'm cold.

not really. well, not really to that level of drama anyway (ive been told im a drama queen... (if its possible to be a semi-subdued, low energy drama queen, then i would have to agree)...

actually, honestly, im alright. Gods quietly speaking to me today, instilling peace and quietness. its probably going to be a pretty cool day. i'll draw some... im doing a little lod of laundry instead of letting it pile up to ridiculous amounts before washing it, and im wearing gansgter slippers with white socks and rolled up pants. yeah, its a good day.

sometimes my level of bi-polarness frightens me.

i just really cant seem to get aholed of myself in the morning time... waking up in confused daze, wishing i was still asleep and watching the coffee bot brew up my best friend seems to be a consistant habbit i cant seem to break in my life. consitancy is important, right? i guess even that means that i am consitanly grumpy in the morning time, its alright... ive accepted it... i cant seem to stand it when people say good morning, but im getting better at accepting that some people feel the abosolute need to be cheery in the morning, no matter what time... no matter what time, weither that be 6:00 am or 8:00 am... but i still cant handle it. i loose it. i loose it in my head becuase i am learning more control over my outwardly expressions. i'll pretend like im happy to see you, put on a nice little sideways smile and then go about the business or whatever im doing or whatever im thinking about and i'll be alright. but really, you better belive that in my head i was wishing i wasnt smiling at you, not because i dont want to see you or i cant stand you, but becuase i just simply wish i was still asleep.

steven seems to be the only person on the planet who understands this and has continued grace and whatever and he is half a world away in missouri and i am left explaining myself to others.

consitncy... thats a good word. a word i can use to justify my morning grumpiness.

sometimes God throws some random dream in my head in the middle of the night that totally screws up phyce (sp?) for the rest of the next couple of days...

i have no idea whats going on.

thats ok becuase i never really do.

i feel like a mom...

i run a hot sink full of soapy water and stroll around the house collecting dirty dishes. i second check, leaving only bed rooms un-touched on my hunt for the dishes no one washes. i rinse grime them, dump out leftover coffee and tea and carefully scrub, paying close attnetion to the rims of cups and the bowls of spoons.

i semui-grugingly wash all the dishes i have found, slightyly complaining in my head about the mess and how easy it qwould be for everyone to just wash their own dish when they are finished using it... a simple concept of consideration for others...

but the gruge is slight becuase i remmber not washing my fair of dishes not long ago...

i rinse the last dish and wipe down all the counters as the sink drains. i take out the recycles and the trash, about to overflow, and seem to be aware of all of my motions as i replace the liners and put the clean dishes away.

i pour myself another cup of coffee and wonder, whats happened to me? where is this stuff coming from? i try to tell myself i am just makinf up for all the chores i have brushed off in the past, but somehow i dont think that is true... why havnt i cared like this before? what was stopping me?

sometimes there is no explanation to why i didnt do what i didnt do... there is no excuse and no answer...

tony says he doesnt want this place to be my salvation, but rather a springboard for the rest of my life... i agree with that, it would be impossible for this place to be my salvation anyway, only Christ can be that, but this is a definite springboard...

but it cant just be this place that is a springboard, it has to be Jesus... and not just this time, right now, but everyday no matter where i am... i want today to be a springboard for tomorrow and i want tomorrow to be a springboard for the next day and so on...

i have changed. the only explanation for that change is Jesus activly working in my life, and this being the right timming.

i cant make up for the things i didnt do in the past. i can only move forward and be active in this new life...

a little bit from a letter i was writing...

"sometimes i wonder to myself, "who do you think you are anyway?" i really do sometimes wonder that... that among many other things... for instance, earlier i was sitting on the steps of the barn under an apple tree. i looked down and saw several very lareg apples on the ground wich led to the question "i wonder how bad it would hurt if an apple fell and hit my head right now..." wich led me to move to the ranch house, away from the apple tree so as not to have the disturbing thought of giant size apples falling on me and leaving me with some sort of concusion...

but that isnt the only thing i think about...

here are some of the more frequent questions and thoughts running through my head (in no particular order or priority...)

i wonder if it will rain today?
crap, i didnt get enough sleep last night...
i wonder what my lungs *really* look like...
what time is it in texas right now?
will i get my credit card bill paid on time?
i should call mom...
what kind of bug is that?
do i talk too much?
is the truth relative?
how do i really know what the "the right thing" is?
i should eat more fresh fruit and vegetables...
what does sausage tast like?
am i doing what God wants me to do?
thats a big ant! (there really was a big ant on me...)
i wish my sinusus were clear...
what did the woman at the well do with her life after her encounter with Jesus?
how can i non-chalontly break the rules?
when is Jesus coming back?
will i ever have a nice car?
i wonder when my next day off is...
why does he/she look sad?
whats wrong with me?
i hope everything is running smoothly in the kitchen right now...
what kind of plant is that?
why was i made this way?
i wonder if the porsquach is watching me...
do i take long showers?
whats going on? "

things i accomplised today...

cashing my check...
over heating my car...
a conversation with a guy at napa auto parts about my car...
over heating my car again...
leaving my car at the smog shop at bass lake and aranging a towing for it becuase i have a cracked block...

not so hot of a day after all.

things to acomplish today...

avoid the cops on my way to cash my check...
avoid the cops on my way to yostemite smog...
succesfully smog my van...
avoid cops on my way back home after smogging my van...
some other stuff...

should be a good day.

i like reading james lyons blog... he probably doesnt know i read it, but i do from time to time and i like it...

pms'ing amplifies lifes little tragities into spiraling out of control circumstances and chocolate into god.

part of a letter i was writing on a yellow legal pad...

monday, august ?, 2006...

i just accidently bought somewhere near three hundred of these 48 sheet legal pads at the dollar store... it was an accident becuase i thought they sold them 3 to a package, when in fact they sell them 2 to a package and i mistakingly picked up 3 packages, wich would also explain why i had to pay $3.01 at the register... so i am stuck with 6, 48 page yellow legal pads...

origionally, i didnt even go in there for legal pads. origionally i went in there for a nice, bound, composition book... you know, the books with the black covers and the little white flecks... they were out of those, so i got these legal pads thinking at least they have a little bit of sticky stuff at the top to hold the pages together and i wont have pages of writing flying all over the place...

i probably should have also taken into consideration though, that these legal pads came from the dollar store in oakhurst and the sticky stuff holding these 48 pages together is probably, in fact, the absolute bottom of the line sticky stuff and will not hold together for as long as i would like it too...

i will just have to be gentle with it i supose.

(continuing in cursive writing...)

i am also not sure if i should be writing this letter in my handwriting form (wich is easier for me) or print... some people say they have a hard time reading my handwriting (i cant imagine why) so maybe i should continue in print... the problem with writing in print thiugh is that it really doesnt agree with my carpol tunnel syndrom and my wrist usually begins to ache. the feeling is equivalent to a headache in my wrist and i get headaches in my head nearly everyday (if i eat dairy products) so having a head ache in my wrist when i can easily avoid it seems stupid to me...

i have decited that i will switch back and forth between printing and cursive through out this letter...

will i ever have the guts to send you this letter? maybe... maybe not... maybe it will collect and form some sort of funny book at the end... maybe years from now i will gather all these pages i never sent and have a book. perhaps it will be published... "memoirs of april" and it will be a mixed up composition of thoughts and feelings and qustions of a thoughtful, feeling, questioning california girl. maybe, but only after i die, as that seems to be the way with best sellers (i wonder how many best sellers are written on yellow legal pads?)

this is my way of processing... please understand... i truly belive that if i do not write this stuff down, with the intention of sending it to you, my head would explode, leaving a messy, bloody meal all over this table, coffee cup, ash tray and yellow legal pad for the thousands of anticipating flys buzzing around out here. not to mention a discusting mess for someone to clean up and probably some sort of paper work to be filled out as well concerning the disturbing details and reason behind my death. and what would the coroner even conlude the cause of death would be? how could they ever find out that the reason my head exploded was becuase of my thoughts, feelings and questions? he would have quite a challenge on his hands for sure. and what would happen to my things? i have no will... you are welcome to have my van, although im sure it would be more a burden than a blessing since there is something wrong with it... i also wonder what kind of therapy the un-suspecting witnesses would have to go through after seeing a girls head explode... someone would probably be sure to swipe my new package of cigerettes...

keeping all of this in mind, it is absolutly necissary for me to be writing this down with the intention of sending it to you... "

that was just the bginning... i like writing letters...

destination: georges falls...

so, after proving to myself the other day that i could definatly acomplish it, and as a way to keep myself away from me, i embarked on another 12 (probably more like 15...) mile hike today. i kept along sugar pine road, heading ever so slightly uphill (rather than violently vertical like last time) and ended up at soquel meadows...





im back now. my feet hurt.

for those of you who are currently living vicariously through me (i know your out there) i just thought i would let you know what i did today... my list of beautiful distractions...

wake up around 8:00 (damn breakfast bell)
shower
coffee
sketch a little
post silly pictures on friends myspaces
eat lunch
go for a 12 mile hike (mostly all up-hill covering around 1000 feet...)
come back
eat vegetarian lasanga (so good)
chill out

thats right folks... we went on a 12 mile hike today (somewhere around 6000 feet elevation)... it was 12 miles, but really it felt like fifty five hundred million miles...

heres me half way through the walk, feeling pretty discusted...


and heres some other stuff i saw along the way...

hello most coveted/dreaded day off...

so many people running around back and forth through the ranch house... so many girls dressed up in their best casual... so many people excited to be here... people wondering what to do? am i getting in the way? should i be doing something right now? is this ok? whats going on?

i sort of remember my first time living here in community... sort of. i remember feeling a little akward and strange... wondering what this whole thing would be like...

but that was a long time ago.

but still... how can i help? what can i do? what is this suposed to look like for me?

good morning.

i remember having the feeling somewhere around november that this would be a extremely eventful year for me, and i was right... it started off eventful and in a rush and over the course of this past year a lot of "bad" things have happened to me or have taken place in my life...

im a pessimist (frequent readers know this) but im somewhat of a recovering pessimist... a natural pessimist trying to change my ways or at least push the "bad" aside and try to see the good...

at the risk of sounding cheesy and sentimintal, here are some of the good things that have happened over the course of this past year...

matt
steven
michelle
timmy
various conversations with lovely people
a more sure sense of myself
the truth
love
tenacity
jeeps
eric
taking over the universe
snow
the back dock, by the bricks
marc
texas
missouri
corey
a deeper relationship and dependancy on God
a better grasp of my art
loosing about fifty eight bazillion pounds
thank you for smoking
phone conversations
the night sky in the valley
UFO's
the jasmine on the fence
coffee
the woods
the harris family
tree
forgivness
the adicts
paco
everything is illuminated
rachel
writing
confermation

those are in no particular order... and they are just a slight few.

well this is strange... what a year...

does my template work yet?

a nice shower in an actual house made me feel pretty good.

my hands look pretty discusting right now...

sorry this isnt a "deep" post. i'll try harder next time.

i dont write on here anymore... for the past few months ive been trying to figure out why i dont write on here anymore... i might have an answer...

its not that nothing is going on in my life... i think more stuff has happened to me in the past year than ever before... but thats just it. everything thats happened to me has been deeply personal, deeply moving and deeply character altering... things i dont feel like i need to be writing on here for the universe to see... im intorverted, we knew this...

so, anyway, thats it for now i guess. im not completly gone. just about half way gone.

im really glad i am not john malkovich...

im feeling really irratable today... like *something* is bothering me... mom says im probably stressing out over my stupid trip, wich is probably true. im hoping i'll start my period soon so that there will be at least a little bit of a valid reason to be this moody... but shoot, i just dont know... its just that im feeling really irratable and i dont really want to do anything, but at the same time i want to do everything... i think i actually *need* something to do... i cleaned my room. that helped for about five minutes... but then i went right back to being irratable again...

i think it is this stupid trip... trying to figure out tickets and crap is annoying as hell and im feeling really moody about it right now... probably becuase i have to talk to other people i am depending on before i can buy my lously ticket and in the mean time, ticket prices keep rising and rising like a madman. maybe thats why im so damn irratable...

im working on about a bazillion art pieces right now... im jumping on the illustrating fairy tales bandwagon and started a nice little one of little red riding hood... ive heard from several different people that i shoudl illustrate stories... so if anyone out there is a writter and would like to work with me on a story, get ahold of me. the only problem is im not a writer. i can illustrate, but i cant really write, so thats a problem. but if you write and would like to have your little story illustrated, let me know...

i had my first job as a professional photographer the other day... it went pretty well... check out my work if you want to...

roy dressel photography

anyway, i took most of those photos... except for the few at the bottom of the whole cake cutting thing.

i was pushed...

the inside of my dove chocolate said "naughty can be nice"... so, i guess its okay if sex is sold on the trash generated from my favorite chocolate... and i guess i just gave myself two reasons to cease buying dove...

sometimes these things sort of freak me out... at least this first one is pretty acurate... who are these people? how do thy know me so damn well?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

You Play it Cool

You're not in your face, smokin' hot... and it's all by design You have a carefully crafted cool persona, leaving everyone wanting to know just a little more.

Are You Hot?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

alright, want to know hat ive been up too, my faithful scattered ragamuffin readers? well, today i made this...




into this... a sad tower for some dinosaurs and a cave man...




my body is pretty much useless today... physical and emotional stress has finally reached its max and lack of communication has pushed it over the edge, so basicly the only thing i could bring myself to do (so far, there is still a lot of dumb hours left to this day...) was to play with my legos and dinosaurs and one lousy caveman. so, as you can see, in case you were wondering, my creativity has not been all stiffled... i can make one hell of a lego tower out of random legos.

ive alo decited, in my state of confusion, to write more frequintly on here for a source of ventelation and becuase i noticed i still have quite a few hits per day from random places, but a few of them are consitant. thank you to my consistant readers. but seriously, jonesboro?

also, just to let you know, i cant seem to fix the damn layout of this blogspot... the stupid tables seem to be all screwed up and i just dont know what to do with them, nor do i really care at this point.

so, jonesboro huh?

ok, heres whats up...

when i woke up on wednesday morning i was not suprised to find that i was practicly completly deaf in my right ear. i wasnt suprised to find this out becuase it happens to me about once a year. about once a year i get a wax buildup so huge in my right ear that i go practicly completly deaf. no matter the amount of times i wash my ear throughout the year, it still seems to plug up, almost completly about once a year. so, i can barely hear anything, making it impossible to practice plying my guitar and making it so that i have to have my music up so loud that everyone else in the house is probably about to go deaf themselves. also, my balance is off. ive been tripping around and night before last i stepped on a snail outide on the sidewalk. thank god i was wearing my slippers because if i wasnt, sick.

i dont really know what else to say besides all that about my wax buildup. i will try to think of something more constructive to say later on some time i guess.

stupid blog, source of frustration...

i think i figured it out today...

culture shock... im a shut in...

the majority of my days has been spent here, in my little room. ive been drawing, mostly. listening to music (horribly emo music... bright eyes, nuetral milk hotel and iron and wine...), ive been strumming my guitar a bit and doing a lot of thinking and praying. i made sun tea. my diet consists mostly of sun tea, ice coffee and water.

i went on a walk yesterday evening, through the orange orchards. it was the first time that ive walked there for about a year and half. i was suprised to find that it didnt seem like that long ago. i got sad when i was walking east, for some reason... the mountains were beautiful though.

the sweetest part of my day has been late at night. after everyone is in bed, ive taken a blanket and have laid out in the front yard for about 45 minutes just breathing, talking to God, enjoying the cool air and trying to figure out the un-familiar sounds of night in the valley. its different than night in he mountains, sitting in the grass in the apple orchard, dodging bats plummiting into our heads...

im doing well so far.

it was a terrible morning... waking up at 6:00 ish to the sound of the big stupid tractor outside of my window doing godonlyknowswhatbutitreallypissedmeoff was not my ideal way of waking up. honestly, i almost went to the window and yelled something awful into the fresh morning (freezing cold, there is probably going to be a blizzard today) air. but the though of dave davis' response to my foul language brought me to my senses, so i simply got up, stumbled to the window, closed it, stumbled back to bed and prayed with all of my might that i would be able to sleep for just a few more hours.

i did. but i woke up cranky. yeah, what else is new. "boy i feel sorry for whoever you marry someday..." shut up, mark. and im still extremely irratable. my stomach is turning. my head is pounding. my teeth even ache. everyones voice is pissing me off. im not even PMS'ing. im just simply annoyed.

anyway, it doesnt really matter that much.

ugh... well, i was intedning on writing something good here today. something good and right from my heart, something deep about the way that i feel right now concerning going home in a few days... but im way to annoyed by the loud voices filling this room, so im going to go away now.

haha!

focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus, focus,focus...

i dont think i like all of the heartache that comes along with having a deep relationship with someone. so, im going to go find something superficial to drown my emotions in...

i dont like it when people tell me whats wrong with my body... what i should and shouldnt be doing with it to make it feel better or whatever... mostlly im talking about my sleeping habbits... what i know for sure is that my body needs a certain amount of sleep and if i dont get that sleep then i know it and it effects me terribly... what i know is that for the past week i have had to get up at 6:00ish a.m. to be at work at 6:30a.m. and i have been going to bed around 10:00 or even 11:00 the night before. i know thats effecting my body. i am cranky and my eyes feel all swollen. but mostly i am cranky. i feel awful and snippity and mean. my body is worn out. i can barely breathe through both of my nostrils. ive had this head ache for almost two weeks now. i'm emotional and irritable. i cant stand myself. and i know that i need more sleep. i dont care how your body reacts to sleep. i dont care how much sleep you need vrs. how much sleep i need. your body is different than mine. i need a certain amount of sleep and if i dont get it, i'm an awful person to be around. even for myself. so, please dont try to convince me that my sleeping habbits are wrong. i know my own body and i need more sleep than ive been getting...

who knew slow motion could be so much fun? i certainly didnt untill i watched steven and ben in slow motion today for almost an hour.

a conversation i had with my 8 day old headache this morning while i was doing the dishes... he started it...

"hey april, its been a while... "
"yeah, it has been..."
"i bet you thought you were rid of me, huh?"
"well, yah. actually i did think i was rid of you. i guess i was wrong though..."
"heh... yeah... you can't get rid of me. i'm in your genes you know. i'll be here forever... always lurking in the far recesses of your brain... no amount of advil, tylonol, exedrin or any ort of acetominaphin can get rid of me. you should know that by now..."
"well, damnit. i was under the impresion that you were caused by a slight milk allergy, you know. "
"yeah, i remember that whole vegan for three months thing. thought you could self diagnose yourself lactose intolerant, huh? i humored you for a while, but im sick of hiding out. so im back."
"that really sucks. its not anything im not used too though, old friend."

my most faithful friend, my headache.

i shouldnt have watched it again, but i did. i'm not sure why, but its done now and im sort of left feeling depressed and dark. i guess i have grown more sensitive over the past year and a half or so and i should be more careful about what things im watching and aware of how they will effect my mood. now that i know, i will watch out for it.

the movie left me wanting to cry, sleep, hug someone, sit and talk with someone about important things for a long time. eric and matt ditched me, so i ended up sleeping, but now that im awake again, i only wish i were still sleeping. sleep until tomorrow morning would have been ideal, but my bladder woke my up only to find that i had two calls from heather and a yellowjacket wasp in my water bottle.

i havnt drank enough water today. i probably have only had an equivilant of two cups and its 7:30 p.m. so, i dumped the wasp into the toilet and flushed it (fucker) and now im attempting to drink my daily supply of water before i go to bed for the night so i wont be woken up from dehydration.

these things are semi-shallow. they are nowhere near the full extent of thoughts i have been mulling over for the past week or so. im used to keeping things in, but sometimes i get overwhelmed. some things i need to share but it seem like those are the things i cant bring myself to share.

"hey, can we talk for a while?" those words dont come easily to me. do they come easily to anyone? i wish they did. sensitivity and vulnerability is not my forte (sp?). and i feel as though i might be putting people out if i were to aproach them in that way. most "how are you?"'s are out of simple politness. i hardly feel as though people really mean it when they ask me that question. its an expected question to ask. its not becuase they REALLY want to know. sometimes though, on rare occasion, i get asked that question in a pure senscere way. i'll answer your questions, i'll answer anyones questions, if they really care and want to spend time with me. ask me out of sincerety. i would love to spend time with you.

ive been more vulnerable in the past two weeks than i have ever been in my life. well, for the past four years anyway. and im not sure what to do with this. what do i do with these feelings? how do i handle myself? what do i say? the sick feeling remains in my stomach. lurking and deep, it shows up right on target every time.

12 ounces to go before i reach 32. i supose i should probably drink another 32 before nightly sleep in a little while. and chocolate. i crave it right now. i should probably go ahead and eat some chocolate before sleep tonight as well...

God gave me a gift. i have the ability to sit in one place for somtimes hours. today i sat on the back portch and watched buble bees fly around and listened to the house break and felt the new leaves on the trees and saw a little lizard run around on the fence. sitting in one place for a long time is my favorite.

damnit. i wish people would speak their minds. instead of keeping it all inside. talk. talk. talk. tell me. lets talk. am i the only one ballsy enough to tell people what i think? i want people to know. im not ashamed of what i belive in and what i feel. why is it such a big deal? what are you afraid of? ive learned that one of my favorite things are conversation... not simple, shallow, pretty conversations, but the deep, dark, sometimes ugly ones. the truthful ones. i love the truth. i love the truth about how people feel, even if i dont share the feelings or the beliefs of the person i am spending time with. if there is honesty there, it is beautiful. the truth is beautiful, share it with me. i love beautiful things... what are you afraid of? acceptance? rejection? i'll accept you. its easy.

avoidance might be easy. possibly the right way to go. anyway, thats what my brain is telling me. my heart tells me something different, but i dont think i want to listen to my heart right now. im too tired of it. im tired.

pouring out my heart through the keyboard to a computer screen...

i cancelled my credit card account. so i guess i'll be moving to blogger sometime extremely soon...

holy shit!

tattoo convention? well, ive never really been to one. i supose its worth a shot. anyway, it should be interesting.

seasonal depressant... here it comes... theres something about spring time that really gets to me. knowing that the next few months will be filled with bright colors and lots of skin showing sort of makes me nautious. despite my efforts to thwart these feelings, they manage to remain, not far below the surface. im looking forward to next winter already, when i can wear my coat and hats and scarfs and multiple pairs of striped socks under my doc martens and two pairs of pants to keep myself from freezing in the exsessive amount of time i find myself spending outside depite the cold weather and mass amounts of snow piling up, almost reaching the eves of the roofs it tumbled off of.

i have to admitt though, spring time brings the blooming of my two of my top three favorite plants... the dogwood trees up on the giant sequoia trail and the daffodils, right outside of the house and almost everywhere i look. so, see there? i can be optimistic. when i want to be.

ive heard the speech three times, all times to almost completely different groups of people... this seasons coming to an end, we have one month left, lets make the best of this month, this time together, use it as you will, reflect on your life, what happened here, whats going to happen when you leave here, dont check out yet, seek God fevently during this time because he still wants to say a word to you... i wonder how many more times i will hear that... how many more times i will be sitting in the dark living room, on a sunday night listening to brian speaking those words and feeling the effect it has on my heart every time. it doesnt grow old. its real. its the truth. and i cant help but feel a little sad about it but mostly extremely excited.

i owned the kitchen this year. i owned it, it was mine. i feel in love with the kitchen this year. i feel in love with the building, the food, the walk-in, the mixer, the baking area, the dish room, the floor (wich is tiled now, by the way), the back dock, the mismatched dishes and the people who come in and out of the kitchen constantly throughout the day. i love them all. i claimed the kitchen as mine when i came back in the fall and it remains mine. this is where God wants me and i will do whatever it takes to stay untill He tells me to leave. untill He gives me something else to love with all my heart.

this is what spring time brings for me. reflections, love, life, life-bringin conversations, conviction and a closer relationship with Jesus becuase He called me to it.

whats next? who knows. im up for anything.

i dont really know what to write right now. i feel like i should probably write *something* here, but im not sure what. its not that nothing is going on. everything is going on. but maybe thats why im not writing on here. becuase so much stuff is going on.

so, i guess thats that.

You scored as grunge. grunge 55% reggae 45% classic rock 40% Punk 30% country 30% mainstream rock 25% Emo 20% Indie 20% Pop 10% rap 5% metal 0% Pop Punk 0% ska 0% industrial 0% what breed of music are you? created with QuizFarm.com

so basicly, heres what happened...

we went to san francisco in the pouring rain. we payed three dollars to get to san francisco (not counting the thousands of dollars we spent on gasoline) and crossed the thirteen hundred miles over the bay bridge and then cruised around san fran in a major state of confusion, accidently crossed the bay bridge again and didnt want to pay three more dollars to get back into the city, so we went into oakland and decited to head up to berkley to get sea food. up towards berkely, we saw a sign for san jose, so we turned around and went to san jose. we missed all the exits to san jose and continued on to santa cruz. where we ate good japanese food. after that we got confused and roamed around the area of watsonville, hollister and gilmore for about eighteen hours, trying to find our way home becuase we didnt know what to do. finally, we got home around 1:00 and i slet nicely in my own bed untill about now. thats what happened.

awesome day.

yesterday i realized in in the bad habbit of telling people that i am horrible when they ask me how i am doing. its the first thing that comes to mind. im not sure why. i think a part of me really is horrible. but isnt there a part of everyone that is horrible most of the time? all of the stuff in my head that i cant get away from, all of the "life" that im dealing with, stupid crap. part of me is always horrible.

but i realized later, after telling someone i was horrible, that im not all that horrible. im actually wonderful. whats happening in my life? i have no idea! (note the exclamation mark). i have no clue whats going on. whats making me horrible? all of the stupid crap. whats making me wonderful? all of the stupid crap. i love it. i love it. i love it.

im in the middle of an adventure. an adventure with ideas and plans and thoughts, but not a lot of direction. not a lot of certanty. but thats the way i want it.

how am i doing? im lovely, thanks for asking.

sometimes i vacantly stare...

this is where i live. this is some of the fifty bazillion feet of snow i mentioned earlier...

im throwing a pity party for myself today. if you feel sorry for me, you can join me.

theres snow pretty much all pver the place. probably close to fifty thousand bazillian feet of it. its crazyness.

probably close to a year ago, i was driving down blackstone in fresno. i dont really remember what i was doing there, i was on my way back to camp after being home i think. i stopped at a stop light, i dont remwember what cross street i was on, but i remember watching a disabled lady slowly walking across the street carying some things in her arms. i watched as the light turned from red to green and she was still crossing. cars started to drive past her despite her still being in the cross walk. suddenly she dropped everything tht was in her arms. papers were flying and there was stuff all over the crosswalk. i was behind about three cars watching the whole scene, wondering if i should get out and help. would that have been safe? would i have enough time? how long would it take her to pick up her things? would she be done by the time i got out and walked over there? thoughts flew through my head, the whole time i watched her struggle to retrieve her things from the crosswalk as cars slowly passed her by. and then, out of the car in front of me, a young overweight hispanic lady, dressed like a gangster, got out of the passenger side of a car and went to help the lady in the crosswalk. she helped her pick up her things and lovingly lead the lady back to the curb. nearby drivers were hionking and still flying by as the gangster lady got back in the car and the light turned red again, keeping us stuck there for another 60 seconds or so.

i still think about that all the time. sometimes i am ashamed of myself for not being the one to get out and help. other times i think it really wouldnt of been safe for me to get out and help, leaving my car alone running in fresno, even if just for a short while. the thing i like to think about the most though, of that whole situation, is the lady who actually did get out and help. i think she had guts. she had heart. she cared.

i want to love other people. that hispanic lady was an example to me. i want to love others like she loved the disabled lady struggling to get across the crosswalk. i want to use the gifts that God has given me to bless others.

i fall short a lot. im sick of it. im sick and tired of falling short.

but Christ offers us grace. and forgivness. and i claim that. and starting now, i will strive to truly, deeply, love others.

WORSHIP! You're inner Bombshell is the beautiful
Audrey Hepburn. Like her you've been blessed
with a "certain something" that no
one could describe accurately. You are more
reserved than other bombshells, and that
shows in your gentle, graceful nature. You
like doing things for other people and love
volunteering for your favorite charity. Yours
is a rare gift in this day and age. You don't
need to show a lot of skin to be sexy, all
you need is your eyes. To see Audrey at the
top of her game watch the movie
"Breakfast at Tiffanys".

Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla

i wrote this on this day back in 2003. im not sure what it means anymore...

.::{ thursday, february 20 }::.

george isnt dead!!!

this is life as told by ::{ april }:: at 4:31 PM

i took this test a minute ago...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||| 20% Stability |||||||||||||||| 70% Orderliness |||||| 30% Accommodation |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||| 36% Mystical |||||||||||||| 56% Artistic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||| 76% Materialism || 10% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Work ethic |||| 16% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||| 23% Romantic |||| 16% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||| 36% Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 63% Sexuality |||||| 23% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||| 76% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||| 16% Paranoia |||||| 30% Vanity |||||| 30% Hypersensitivity |||| 16% Female cliche |||||| 23%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

im not very good at being a christian.

some people are discusting, others i cant get enough of. what makes them discusting to me though? what makes our minds and thoughts so different that i wouldnt want to be around them? maybe its not right of me to think these things about other people, but its whats honestly running through my head right now... sometimes when i see certain people, i get the urge to turn around and run away and some tinmes i do. sometimes i force myself to stay, to be polite and give them, a chance, but usually i run away. how dare i? what right do i have to feel that way towards other people? do other people feel that way towards me sometimes?

sometimes i dont know how to act. i act akwardly and dont know the things to say to be accepted. i fidget and pace and usually the only thing going through my head is "i have to get away NOW" and since my manners are aparently crap, i tend to avoid social events and make a quick get away when there are more than 3 people in the room (i cant handle 4... its too even...).

i dont like parties. i dont like them at all. too much energy.

sometimes i wonder if i have bad energy...

some people really cant get enough of. some people i absolutly love with all my heart and i love seeing them when they come into a room and when they are around me. i adore certain people, but other people i cant stand.

what right do i have to feel that way?

for some reason, unbeknownst to me, you guys left me comments on my post yesterdAY. its a miracle people still read this lowly, almost dead blog. but, it made me smile and warmed my sickly little heart to see that i had comments. thank you all.

and just to let you know, in case you were curious, sir goldberg and i dressed up in our midevil gear this morning to serve breakfast. i adorned my cardboard crown embeleshed with lucky charms and sir goldberd wore the cardboard helmit and wealded a duct tape sword. the sixth graders werent sure how to respond. it was awesome.

and so... another day of work lies ahead of me...

im a train wreck (remember the time i was on the amtrak for 27 hours?). my guts ache badly, the snow wont stop pouring from my nose holes and i can barely breTHE.

the good news is that i have an optomitrist apointment ononday to confirm my suspicions of far sightedness.

also, the other good news is that although i can barely breathe, i can still breathe.

merry christmas...

carpooling 12 hours
sleeping on a couch/bed
strolling around portland
drinking the best coffee ever
watching tv
watching people
having a good time
ive storm
27 hour train ride
keep my eye on the drunk guy
eat, quick, before the train leaves without you
home
watching the phone ring and not answering it knowing full and well whos on the other end
watching my fish
trading rooms
knit
drive
download
laugh
sleep
listen to music
play the guitar
good conversations
wishing
hoping
making a phone call
playing with the cats

tomorrow is christmas.

be well.

i know, i havnt written in like, two weeks... sometimes i get sick of this blog. its an eye sore, i can hardly stand to look at it. its been sitting here for almost 4 years (or has it been 5 already? i really dont know anymore...) and sometimes i just get tired of it.

its not that i dont have anything to say or im not thinking about things. i dont think that will EVER be the case. its just that right now, at this point in time, my mind has drawn a blank... SO, lets look back in time and see what i had to say on december 12th, 2001... (seems as though i had a lot more to say on this blog back then...)

::{ wednesday, december 12}::

Mmm hot tea. not *quite* as good as ice tea, but its really good when you have so much mucus in your throat. hot tea breaks it down and somehow makes it all better. Mmm hot tea.


wOw. i did *three* hours of homework today. my first final is tomorrow in health and wellness. i think im going to do o.k. after my final i have a dentist apointment. i wonder if he will pull my wisdom teeth... i kind of wanted them to put me out for that, but i really need those teeth out... pesky little teeth... anyway, three hours of homework is the most i have done at once for a very, very long time. i had my fill. no more homework for at least a year. im seriouse about that too, in case you were wondering. especially since im not going to school next semester (except for my one art class, which is going to be fun anyway).


here are a few words i think are cool and sometimes i say them just for the heck of it...
tweezer
skull
and
mucus


cool words, huh? small bit 'O randomness to *brighten* your day.


Mmm hot tea. good for the body and soul. Mmm.....


"Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine...." ~u2, Numb

written by ::{ april }:: at 8:35 PM


the beauty of archives...

sad day.

Pat Morita dies...

its cold in here.

so now im not sure how to respond when people ask me how i am doing... im not well, but at the same time i have a peace about what happened. i think that i cant help but feel not well over this thing, how could i feel anything else? semi-numb, yet not quite apathetic... just unsure, but sure of the fact that i am not well over this... but, there is peace... peace in my heart and peace over this place... its all over the air and in the faces of other people... and a freedom...

its a strange feeling. i feel strange. un-well, but well at the same time... i dont know how else to feel right now. but i think thats ok.

uhhh...

i have a crush on a boy.

damn.

sometimes i get sort of frustrated... frustrated and confused and im not sure what i should do about it. should i confront the person who confuses me? lay it all down, if you will, and explain whats circling in my head? or should i just drop tiny hints towards that person in hopes that the person will pick up on it and give me a break or explain whats going on from his/her perspective... but then again, what am i trying to gain by sharing my thoughts with this person? what am i hoping for, really? am i hoping for clarity? will there ever really be clarity? do i want to speak my mind and ask for the others perspective if, in the end, there is no clarity? no closure? only more jumbleness and confusion? so, whats to be done?

maybe i should just go have some coffee.

ethan and i...

sometimes i am mean to other people. or if i'm not directly mean to them, then i think mean things.