heres a little piece of my heart for you guys, just to let you know im still here, thinking, breathing, feeling, learning, questioning...

i had a hard time at high school camp last week due to a combination of my poor health and heartaches coming from two different sources. the first being my high schoolers. a familiar heartache, rising sereval times throughout my ministry with them, concentrating around summer camp week. their distractions gravitating towards boys, clothes and music in an alleged distraction free enviroment is amazing to me. i get upset that their parents would pay the amount of money that they do so that their un-grateful child can go to camp for a week just to make out with some "hot" boy from bakersfield and then completly miss the message behind worship, or be so inthralled with the speakers accent that they would comletly miss the message during the word. their lack of conviction, motivation, open heartedness and excitment for God breaks my own heart.

and for the first time since i was called to ministry with them, i doubted that it was what i am suposed to be doing right now... the girls are bored with me. they are a different set of girls than when i first began working with that group and for some reason im having a harder time connecting with these ones... they liked eric a lot. he has only known then for a few weeks and after a few more weeks he will be gone. they like the newness... they dont agree with the things that i belive in and the way i go about ministry, although i have had to alter it to fit this particular group. it seems as though i cant alter it enouh and still stick to my own morals and convictions in order to suit them...

they say they got a lot out of robs speaker time, but they couldnt tell me what they got when i asked them. they said they learned a lot, but when i asked them what they learned, they couldnt say... they pointed out things that they heard and tried to make it sound like it was something that they learned, but when i probe with questions, they cant get deeper than their initial sunday school answer... they cant get past the fact that robs accent was "so cool" and "he really connects with us..." but i want to know WHY he connected with them... they did not like it when rob left and tony took over... they said he was harsh and he yelled at them and that when people yell at them it makes them no want to pay attention... but again my cynism takes over and i wonder if they didnt like tonys speaking becuase he isnt a cute, young australian with a cool accent...

but then again... who am i to think these things? how do i really know whats going on inside of their hearts? is it true that actions speak louder than words? if so, then am i right in my observations? but how dare i? am i limiting the Holy Spirit? perhaps there was something i was not seeing... maybe my sceptisism and pessimistic nature blining me from seeing the Holy Spirit in work... i would like to think that perhaps He did touch their lives, their hearts and worked their minds a bit... i would like to think that with all of my heart...

and then there were my dear friends on staff... it seemed as though everyone who i talked to was having a pretty hard time... and that was hard for me to hear.

and so now im here. sitting in my room at my desk, thinking, breathing, feeling, questions, learning... drinking water out of a laura scutters peanut butter jar. the sky is amazingly blue for the san juauin valley and the breeze coming through the door in lovely... this is life...