i woke up much earlier today than i had would have liked to. i almost thought that my clock just had to be wrong, there was no way that it was only 7:30 when i woke up... so i stared at it fot a while, actually praying that it was later than 7:30... i actually considered the option that maybe it reached 7:30 and then somehow froze there, and the real time was like, 10:00... so i kept staring at it untill it turned 7:31. by that point i had come to reality and accepted the fact that i just woke up earlier than i had wanted too and i allowed my brain to begin functioning.

last week i didnt go to monday night church becuase i didnt want to have to break off into groups with someone else and share how i was doing with that person. i didnt want to tell some stranger, (becuase usually we have to break off with someone we dont really know, i understand this becuase its good to get to know other people in the body) what was going on in my life and how i was struggeling. i wanted to go, and i considered going and then slipping out the door right before we had to break off, but ended up not going. i came home and had a long conversation with God.

i stood outside one night this past week, it was really dark and the clouds were floating fast, exposing stary sky and then quickly covering the stars up only to uncover them again secons later. it was amazing and i had a long conversation with God.

i know that i dont have full on social anxiety disorder, but i think i at least have a slight case. ive tried to get over this several times, forcing myself to be around new people in groups and trying to include myself in their conversations and i smile and act polite, i smile a fake smile and in my head i wish i was somewhere else, away from this group of people that are strangers to me... but i tried to push those thoughts aside and try to stay focused at what was going on with the group... but it never seems to work out. i get away as fast as i can and then i can breath. most of the time i like meeting new people one by one, or maybe two at a time... but when a group comes in, i just dont know what to do.

my last thought it one that has been on my mind for a few weeks now... Romans 8:6 says... For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace...
i read this verse one morning and it struck me that this is how i want to live my life... this is the exact way of life i have been striving for since almost a year ago when God grabbed me by the heart and threw me for a loop out of my comfortable, apathy stricken life... i want to live peacfully, simply, simply loving and being cruelty free. ive taken several steps towards this kind of life, i am hardly the person i was a year ago... but i feel like no matter how many changes i make, there are always more changes and more things i could be doing diferently... no matter how much i try, i need to change more... i realize it is this way for everyone and it is a constant... and i realize im in a good place, realizing tyhis about myself... but i struggle with wanting to do more... more peace... more simplicity... more love for others... less judgment, apathy, hatefullness, slander and thinking of things that are not of the spirit...

i have a hard time sitting in church next to the same person who outrightly told me that violence is funny and now listening to him singing worship songs to Jesus... is violence funny? should we be entertained by violence? i know that violence in unavoidable, but should we allow ourselves to be entertained by it, rather than being compassionate towards the people who are effected by violence? am i part of some sort of minority? i am confused... and angry... so many guys i know think violence is funny and honestly the majority of those guys are christians. the guys who i know who agree with me on the fact that violence is not funny are my non-christian friends. they are the ones who strive for peace and compassion, rather than entertainment in violence... i know that not all guys fall into this generalizing, this stereo-type i am struggeling against setting in my mind... but those are just my observations so far...

im a walking contradiction... a jumbled mess of questions left unanswered and a stirred heart and spirit.

so, do these questions, these thoughts and ideas, this stirring of my spirit, does that all mean that i am living by the spirit? living... i believe i am living by the spirit. my questions prove to me that i am living... i am alive in spirit, not dead... not stagnit (sp?)... not still... never content with my current state of mind and heart... always moving and changing... listening... watching... learning... seeking...

i will continue today, to strive towards peace and life. i am alive in the spirit...